stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Some SERIOUS introspection! ugh. the weekend overall was good...a few hiccups here and there, but overall pretty good. this past week i've been trying like a mad fiend to cut a video for a pitch presentation we have tomorrow. so wednesdy-friday night i was at work pretty late. not completely burning the midnight oil or anything, but late enough that it made it really difficult to get up at 6:30am to attend class at 8am. :- so the schedule for the weekend was as follows... friday - work late into the pm to avoid long day on sunday. saturday - wedding in SB @ 3pm with reception and dinner at 5pm saturday - halloween party at my good friend's place @9 in LA. sunday - work @12-1pm so, friday night i work fairly late, but also make plans to score some HAM (another word for illicit narcotics) for the wedding and the party saturday. i get an order of 2. our dear friend fluffykitty rolls by and picks up the HAM for me then comes over to my office to drop it off. we then collectively decide to hang out and partake in some HAM back at the homestead... ...needless to say we didn't get to bed...at ALL. it's 11am in the morning and i feel like ass...headache...stomach churning...not sure if i'm hungry and need to eat, or if i'm going to throw up...but i DO know i need sleep, BADLY...AND sleep does not fit in with the "leave the apartment at 1pm to make SB by 2:30pm for the wedding" regimen i'm supposed to be adhering to... fluffykitty breaks out and heads back to get ready for the wedding. i try to convince her to just bail and take it easy...i'm hurtin', jelly's hurtin', she's hurtin'...let's just vanish for the day... she ends up pullin' her shit together like a champ whereas i, your dear narrator, just couldn't maintain and ended up completely bailing on the wedding like a complete asshat. this makes wedding number 3 that i've completely bailed on this year. the truth is i just couldn't do it, but i was faced with an incredible level of guilt and regret over the whole thing despite. so, feeling like ass i just slept it all off... ...i awake at around 6-7pm. a bit better, but still drained and feeling like i'm the grinch that stole christmas... in any event i vow i won't miss EVERYTHING i set out to do and shower, shave, and dress in my costume (a cop...same as last year). jelly dresses as a sexy cop as well (and she was INCREDIBLY SEXY let me tell you) and we make our way out to our buddies house for some beer and good times. the party was fun. the dj was a guy we met several months ago through them and he spins some pretty tight shit, so we danced and had a good time. in my case, i had AS GOOD OF A TIME as i could...because in the back of my head i... A) - was being eaten alive by the sensation that somewhere, a happy bride and groom were hexing me for completely blowing them off and wasting like $300 of their hard-earned dough. mind you, these aren't "friends" of ours directly, but rather people we met through mutual friends. still, i felt that a full bail on such a gesture was grounds for an eternity as "that flaky bastard who dissed us on our wedding day"...which, mind you, i actually did to MY BEST FRIEND IN LONDON THIS SUMMER and I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN HIS WEDDING PARTY AND our good friends M and D who JUST GOT MARRIED IN AUGUST. suffice it to say, my "Friend-O-meter" is now at an all-time low. i feel like a complete and absolute jerk off. what happened to the StarDustCboy of old, huh? the one who could pull a party all night and still be ready for action on ZERO hours of sleep? what happened? am i really getting that old and grizzled? anyway, that's besides the point...the point is i felt more rotten and dastardly than i think i've ever felt in my entire life...EVAR...AND to add insult to injury... B) - i had to fucking work the next day! of all the shit-rotten-fuck-ass-cock-whore-donkey-slut-bitch-cunt weekends! i really, really, REALLY think i could've managed to make the wedding had i not had the looming threat of work on sunday over my head. C) - Finally, i was still fucking feeling like shit physically. here i am, at a great party...one thrown by a buddy of mine i honestly haven't seen in like...at least 4 months...and i'm just not having AS MUCH fun as i think i should be. fucking. weak. all this added up to a complete and total sensation of "meh"-ness...one that i might hazard saying that i've never in my life felt until now. jelly says it's cuz i've been guilted by fluffykitty and the BAX's (our other friends who went to the wedding and through which we actually MET the bride and groom)...but you know what...i really don't think that's the case. i think it boils down to the simple fact that OVERALL, i don't feel like i've been a very good friend to the people in my life who matter most this past 1.5 years. missing my best friend's wedding...not being in as close contact with my dear cousin, the MAC OR his sister the MAC-ETTE. not being able to see and hang out with my other LOCAL BUDDIES like BiG D and his wife, or my bud THE ARCHITECT...or my other really good pal The HERMIT...or any other number of people. last year this time i had just thrown several million parties during the summer and was preparing to throw more for the holiday. now where am i? i feel like a complete and utter failure as a friend. what the hell happened to me? is it the WOW? is it the HAM? is it just cuz i'm fucking tired? is it cuz on a friday i'd rather hang with my wife than drive out to the far end of space and pay inordinate amounts of money at some bar? i honestly don't know, and i'm REALLY digging deep for it here. i think on some part i actually am...well...exhausted from last year still (if that's possible)...and i think too that right now in my life my number one focus and priority is to pay off the last of my debts, get a car to drive, and move THE FUCK OUT OF MY APARTMENT into something nicer...whatever that something is doesn't matter...i just want it to be fucking nicer. i don't feel like i can entertain guests in my apartment...it's fucking 7 years old! i've seen the same fucking four walls for SEVEN. FUCKING. YEARS. and in all honesty... i HATE it!i need a goddamn change of scenery already. i want to invite all my buds over for fucking movie night and popcorn and drugs and booze and mad-orgies. fuck. i can't do that in this run-down shithole i call an apartment. i can't be proud anymore of it. i want jelly to have a bigger kitchen and a nice bathroom and more closet and cabinet space. i want to PROVIDE something nice to her. EVERYTHING is secondary to that...and truth be told...i think it's this feeling that basically drives me to full-on herm' mode. i don't buy nice new clothes because i want to save money so i look like a fuck-tard when i go out...fuck...i need a goddamn haircut and instead of paying fucking nearly $100 for a style, what do i do? i fuckin' shave my head...which looks goofy because i've gained weight and i feel like it makes my head look like a big fuzzy brown ball...so i just let it go shag-style and try to do stuff with it that's sorta' funky. then i just give up. i wanted to go to the wedding...i wanted to go to ALL of the weddings...but in the case of my bud the Mad Scientist in London...i just couldn't afford a trip to london...not with my goals and my single-minded dedication to them. in the case of M and D (the Sexy Spaniards), i was embarrassed that i didn't have a nice suit to wear...and honestly, that's also how i felt about this last weeks lil celebration. it was a "semi-formal" gathering...looking in my closet...nothing. i don't own a suit. i don't even own a pair of nice slacks or even shoes for that matter. my shit is threadbare and old and more than likely COMPLETELY out of fashion. so again, full herm' mode...i just plug in to WOW...or grab a bag of HAM and hang with a select group of peeps or just me and jelly. which is nice...but when it comes down to a weekend like this last one...it just ends up being a painful reminder in some odd way of all the people that i feel i've completely blown off in the past year...and it sucks donkey balls. then i have to get up and slog to work and i'm here until almost 3am cutting up this video and making it pretty and for what? it's not like i'm fucking getting extra cash for it...i should've just let my supervisor do it all...shit, i laid the groundwork and he isn't married...he doesn't even have a fucking girlfriend to my knowledge... *sigh* i'm ranting...and i'm depressed...and i'm grumpy. i think i'm just tired and hungry really. like i said i'm beat. despite really not DOING anything this weekend, i feel completely washed out. i think i'm going to bail on work wednesday and just relax at home. nothing like playing hookie to cure all woes eh? meh. it still doesn't make me feel any less the villian...and it certainly can't buy back time that i've lost with the people i love...and it certainly isn't helping me make new connections with people who could possibly be some of the best people i might know. i want to get back in to the "lifestyle" thing, but i don't feel sexy...and even more than that...how can i do that when i don't even feel like i spend enough time with the people who really, really REALLY matter? is this some sort of big "being 30" thing that i wasn't told about? i used to love going out and hanging around people...maybe i'm just being over-sensitive and over-dramatic. it's not like i HAVEN'T gone out...i dunno...whatever...point is i still feel a bit rotten about it. i wrote the couple an e-mail and tried to apologize and offer up a possible way of repaying them and righting the full ass move of the weekend...but hey...i'm a realist...and that being said if they hate me then that's what i live with. can't please everyone right? again, i think that the root of this is my own feelings of inadequacy when it comes to those in my life i actually CARE about. like going to this wedding might have somehow "made up" for the times i didn't go...or the people i didn't support... gah i'm running around in my head with this shit, trying to figure out why its having such an impact... lol. reading back a bit...i realize that my original statement of "the weekend overall was good"...after all that...is sort of unsupported. lol. yeah, i'm tired. but really, there was a silver lining to the weekend... 1) - fluffykitty, jelly and i had a discussion that...in all honesty, has been a very long time coming...and i feel that in so many ways we've all grown greatly by knowing each other. and the even cooler part is that i feel we're all closer for it. this is a good thing. 2) - i DID get to hang with Dmei the estranged ex of fluffykitty as well as my good friend i haven't seen in a while. this is a good thing. 3) - Jelly is FUCKING HAWT as a cop. i can't tell you how fantastic her tits and ass looked in that outfit...holy-jeez i wanted to lick 'em! 4) - the video actually looks pretty fuckin' slick and i'm really happy with what i'm learning in regards to digital editing and motion graphics. 5) - the DVD of "SLITHER" is awesome. i love that movie. 6) - a giant pile of food from Jack-in-the-Box and a plate of left over pizza in bed at 3am in the morning is honestly still the shit...even though it gives me some seriously bad gas (and probably is responsible for my lil ponsa "belly"). 7) - i was reminded of how much i do care about the people in my life, and missing them isn't really a bad thing, it just makes me have to face the fact that i've probably not been as "there" as i can be. 8) - Jelly looks hellah sexy in a cop outfit...but she looks even more sexy passed out in bed in a white robe at 3am when i come home from a full sunday of work...and when i give her the leftover jumbalaya pasta from CPK...her sleepy smile makes the world perfect. 9) - i had some seriously deep internal revelations about certain people and things in my life...i'm not really sure if i can discuss them now...because i feel that maybe it's not QUITE the right time; but regardless, i feel like this is a positive...if not interesting and somewhat exhilerating and unexpected turn of thought...perhaps more on that as time goes by... 10) - finally, i can't let my past regrets ruin the moments in which i live. i do owe people in my life, i owe them A LOT, probably more than i can pay in my lifetime; but so help me i promise to be better...as well as not overdo it with the HAM when i know i have other obligations the next day! :-P no matter who you are! so yeah, not SO bad really right? the regret and personal disappointment are still there, i have to be honest. however, i think that i may need times like that to realize i can always do better for the people i love AND the people who love me AND those in my life who i may grow to love and vice-versa. this is a good thing. over and out everyone. HAPPY HALLOWEEN! ~B-) 3:16 p.m. - 2006-10-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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