stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary

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Play Seperately?

hello all!
thought i'd drop by and say hello, as well as throw down a few ponderings i've had as of late.
G and i went to a nice lil "lifestyle" cocktail party in our neighborhood last weekend and it was quite interesting. jelly was recovering from a bought with the flu so getting crazy was out of the question...that and we had a birthday party to attend later as well. the weekend turned out great, and the evening overall was quite fun.
the couples at the party were a nice mix of pretty cool people, and it was really cool to sort of sit with the "experienced" crowd and hear some of their experiences and thoughts on the "lifestyle" and stuff. one thing i still have a hard time getting my head around is the sort of...mmm...elitist "special club" attitude that sometimes permeates it...insomuchas special slang terms and jargon like "vanilla" (in reference to non-swingers) or "play" or a myriad of other lil quippy terms and phrases. it's odd, but interesting. i dunno...i don't really consider myself a "swinger" per se...open-minded definitely...sexually adventureous, that too...but full on swinger? i'm not sure.
it seems that there are certain criteria that need to be met to have such a label...and it's criteria i'm not really comfortable with, or even interested in for that matter. in fact, i'd hazard that many in the lifestyle would consider my wife and i "posers" or "wannabes"...we don't fuck all the time...in fact, we're an INCREDIBLY LOW circulation type of couple. mostly because we're supremely picky about who we invite into our bedroom and life, but also because we don't define it as our lifestyle...merely PART of our lifestyle. in other words, we were this way before the lifestyle, the lifestyle just happened to be an outlet. there are a myriad of things that i consider myself to be, and not one singular thing defines me as a whole...rather, it's the whole kit'n'kaboodle.
so meeting a group of people who were i guess..."dedicated" to it was very interesting. and i also realized just how much of a newbie i am. as a single (as i've mentioned before) i had several different types of experiences; but as a couple, there's still a whole lot for me to learn. i can count on one hand the number of couples that jelly and i have had intimate moments with, and i can count on one hand the number of singles that we've shared, and furthermore i can count on one hand the number of times that we've slept with said couples (as a WHOLE). so that being said, there's still a whole WORLD of exploration i think.
one thing that sort of got me to thinking was when the wife of a particular couple mentioned that her and her husband "play seperately" (another lingo sort of thing) and after, when jelly and i were off to our other engagement, she asked me what "playing seperately" meant. to which i replied "it means they date, sleep with, and engage partners without each other present."
it actually got me thinking about that sort of dynamic and the purpose/motivations/etc behind it.
i then wanted to ask that couple all about it...perhaps another time.
but in any event, i've been rolling it around in my head.
playing seperately. up until now, i've always seen my enjoyment of others as part of my enjoyment of jelly and vice versa. i didn't give much thought to playing without her, and overall would find more enjoyment in playing if she were present to share the moment with me. BUT, that being said, i can see why we are low circulation...because we rely on meeting people that meet BOTH of our requirements for play. this tends to reduce the number of viable partners/play-friends that we could meet, because obviously both jelly and i have different standards of beauty for BOTH men and women partners. a woman i think is hawt, my not be up to spec with jelly; and a man jelly thinks is sexy may not be my cup of tea; or she may think that the two parts of a couple are "do-able" while i may not really be interested in pursuing any sort of sexual or even platonic relationship with them.
so then that being said, i begin to understand the IDEA of seperate play. using the above-mentioned couple as an example; they may elect to play seperately when either A) - the other partner is not into it; B) - the other partner is not able to play (work, other schedule conflicts, etc); and/or C) - the other partner PREFERS to play alone! this is a very interesting concept to me. as i realize it takes and INCREDIBLE amount of trust and security between the two parties involved to pull off. i'd imagine that the couple in example are as devoted, in-love, and comfortable with each other as they possibly can be if they can elect to do the seperate play thing. it would be very tough for many i'd imagine. that being said, what about me? what about jelly?
that's the next step in reasoning and questioning in this case.
putting myself into a hypothetical situation i imagine jelly approaching me and requesting a seperate play situation with another person/s. thinking on it, i try to imagine what my emotions/thoughts would be in relation. at first i think "well, it would depend on WHO." but then i think, "why? why should i be able to decide? she's her own person, and i shouldn't determine WHO she plays with IF we do have a 'hall pass' (another term for permission for seperate play)." so in the end i would have to allow her that if that was truly the case...man, woman, couple or any other possible combination thereof. then i realized that jelly has a lot less INDIVIDUAL experience than i do. that she hasn't really gone out on a date with a couple...or a girl...or another guy in a while if at all in some cases. whereas i played around and explored quite a bit before becoming involved with her. this then makes me think that i DEFINITELY would allow her a hall pass, simply to allow her to have fun and discover what she likes and what she enjoys and how she enjoys it. so i'm actually surprised to find that i would be fully supportive of it. that's not to say that i wouldn't be nervous...but i think that's natural...especially if it was another man and she really enjoyed that other man. not-so-strangely-enough, i wouldn't be as threatened by another couple or woman as i would be by a single man. in reality it's my own insecurity, and that (i think we all do this) i would "measure" myself to him. how is he? is he better? bigger? faster? stronger? etc. whereas it's easier to discount another woman because OBVIOUSLY she is just a totally different case...and even a couple because they are a couple and are indivisible (overall).
so then i wonder if this is what goes through jelly's head when it comes to these discussions and experiences. if she gets jealous or offput when we play with others even in the most slightest sense? i remember when we hung out with M & A and actually started playing for the first time with them...we had all done some E and A and i were doin' some coke while jelly and M did not partake. i remember looking over and seeing jelly cuddling with M and feeling a slight twinge of jealousy and...well...i guess nervousness or something...in any event it was offputting. so that being said, when i was going down on A...or even later when we played with Mr. and Mrs. Dick...did jelly feel the same sort of emotional "twitch" or "sting" i guess?
again, it's all very interesting because RATIONALLY i know that jelly will always be with me, and that she loves me above all else even if she loves someone else (if that makes any sense). but there's that INSTINCTUAL reaction i think that maybe we all have. fascinating.
now in MY case, when it came to seperate play...i think i'd be able to do it. i actually think, particularly, it would be more reserved for women as i feel that if i'm going to be with a man then i'd DEFINITELY want jelly in on it. however, with a woman, jelly and i have different tastes and oftentimes i find that women i like (or would be interested in playing with) she's not all that into. that's not saying we disagree all the time, on the contrary, we tend to agree quite often...on who we DON'T collectively want! :-P
overall though, just thinking about it...there are probably only 2-3 women that i would be interested in having "seperate play" with outside of my relationship. IDEALLY, it wouldn't be seperate, BUT realistically i think it WOULD be if it ever were to be discussed or whatnot. this is primarily due to the fact that the girls i like and want to be with outside my relationship are pretty much girls that i/we are friends with, and jelly doesn't really like to cross those lines with friends...whereas i'm quite the opposite...in fact, i prefer friends if i'm going to be intimate because i can really relax and enjoy it. when i was single this is usually how i played it. i would sleep mainly with the 2 or 3 willing female friends that i had in my life and keep it at that. they all knew each other, or knew OF each other, and all of them knew where i stood and such; and it made the times fun and without pressure. i can say definitely that i would still play it the same now. again, that being the case, i can see how a seperate play situation would emerge in this instance. otherwise, i'm content as-is. there are couples that i may find attractive, but i'm not sure if i'd want to play seperately with them...i've played seperately in some cases with the male half of couples we've been with, but that was really only once; and the whole time i remember thinking how great it would have been if jelly was around! :-P
in the end i think that's probably what i'd be thinking most of the time regardless of partner if jelly wasn't involved...i'd be thinking how much BETTER it would be if she was. lol.
in any case, the whole idea is intriguing and might be something for later discussion. i think that as a couple these are all things that jelly and i have to consider and evaluate being who we are. ultimately, i know for certain where and how i stand with my wife; and exactly what she means to me. i can't ever see anyone or anything coming between that...regardless the situation; and in line with my last entry...who am i to try to control? my love does not entail OWNERSHIP, it entails freedom and understanding and mercy and compassion and all the great aspects of my nature. if that is truly the case then as with polygamy, my mind and heart should remain open to possibility, and be able to love always regardless!

~B-)

5:18 p.m. - 2006-10-25

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