stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- As wild as they make it seem...Bisexuals, true ones, have a hard time fitting in... so i've been thinking about teh sex lately. i really, LOVE sex, and because it's 2000-SeXxX and part of my goals for the year is more of teh sexxx it's been on my mind; and i've found myself pretty damn horny pretty much all the time. anyway, i've seen some entries around here lately regarding bisexuality and such in regards to the "main-stream" if you will. the major point being that girls are doing it more, or that there is a sort of "trendiness" to being bisexual that gets girls attention. i'd agree. more and more i've seen FEMALE bisexual scenarios and themes on television and in media; and needless to say it's really nothing new overall. girls kissing girls has always been okay. the only difference is that people are more open about it. maybe in the past it was taboo to openly display female-to-female sexual relationships; but it certainly didn't mean that it wasn't happening. i can't relate how many girls i've known in my life who've had at least one same-sex experience, as opposed to men to whom the mere thought might make them gay (not to say that boys don't dabble either, but good luck ever getting them to admit it). and that's what pisses me off. the double-standard of bisexual behavior. it's a-o-k for girls to go at it, but as soon as man touches another man in a "non-manly" way suddenly they're gay. there's no middle ground!! it's one or the other with men. it fuckin' sux dirty goat snatch. why do women have an acceptable middle-zone, but men are black and white? i've been fighting this fucking dicotomy for the better part of my 20's. it's lame. anyway, i see female bisexualiy becoming more and more in the lime-light. you'll have plenty of posers and such, but no one is going to mind. it'll be a billion years before men will reach this level. which sux, for those of us (men) who are openly, admittedly, and practicing bi. though despite the greater acceptance of bisexual women, there is still some trepidation. i was talking to a friend of mine who is with a bisexual woman; and he admitted to me that despite the FANTASY of two women, and possibility that that fantasy will come true, he is still quite uncertain if he can go through with it. he basically said that he felt more intimidated by the idea that his girl would be involved with a girl because said girl could bring things to the table that he never could. in other words he was more threatened by his girlfriend having sexual relations with another woman, than with another man simply because it was an area he could never possibly tread. i thought this was interesting. how many other men share this position? it's all fine and dandy as long as it's not YOUR woman? he asked me what i thought, and i basically gave him my two cents on the issue. i think that bisexuals, both men and women, have the unique ability (or inherent attribute) to seperate love from sex. in fact, i would go so far as to say that a bisexual persons brain works differently than a straight persons brain when it comes to feelings of love, lust, attraction, and friendship. using myself as an example, i feel that feelings of "love" occur in a totally seperate part of my brain than feelings of "lust" and "sexual desire". that's not to say that the two don't intermix, but i have absolutely NO problem keeping the two seperate. just because jelly likes to fuck the new, hot, chocolatey, stud neighbor by no means quantifies (in MY mind) that she loves him. she may love to fuck him, but again to me the two are wholly seperate. if she fell in love with him AFTER fucking him it still doesn't mean that the sex lead to the love. there are WAY too many factors in the emergence of love in my mind, and though she had a great time fucking his brains out, i wouldn't say that the love developed SOLELY BECAUSE of the fucking out of the brains. the same goes for jelly and a girl. sure, a girl has anatomical features that i can never, and will never, possess; BUT again i don't see that as love. just because something is different doesn't make it a threat to me because different doesn't make love, again there are several factors that lead to the development of love between two people. sex and sexuality, though possible factors in this development, are certainly not THE definitive factor. thus, the same can be applied to myself. i've said it before, and i'll say it again... sex is like food. in fact, it's in the same centers of the brain as the need to eat, it's libidinal, wholly instinctual. thus it cannot be quantified as part of the higher aspects of our minds, the thinking and deeply feeling parts because it just doesn't take place in the same location. using the "sex is like food" analogy (which i'm sure i've used before), there are plenty of tasty dishes out there in the world...sushi, curry, corn-beef hash, pizza, macaroni and cheese, filet mignon, etc., etc. i might have one or two FAVORTIES, dishes i just couldn't imagine my life without, but that doesn't mean that that is ALL i'm going to eat for the rest of my life. i LOVE variety. i LOVE the thrill and excitment of new things, new sensations, new experiences. sex, food, or anything else for that matter. does that mean i like pizza or jelly's carne asada any less just because i like sushi? NO. to me, love is like the best meal on earth because it is not only filled with all sorts of fantastic, mysterious, and complex sensations but also because it is the most nourishing and strengthening of foods. it's a banquet, a nine course meal, a FEAST. a quick romp in the hay with some cute latin boy, or a sexy red-head to me is like candy or cookies. it tastes fantastic and makes you feel tingly; but it will NEVER fulfill the deeper needs that love fulfills, ever. what jelly brings to the table for me is in abundance, there is no end to the nourishment and sensation; but that being said, it doesn't mean that i don't want a chocolate eclair now and then just because i have a sweet tooth. get it? that's how i put it to him anyway and i think he understood. i was basically trying to tell him not to worry and just enjoy the opportunity to explore and experience something that, honestly, very few people have the balls to experience. though it got me to thinking...is my outlook on sex and love...wrong? is there something wrong with me? i've been accused by all my girlfriends in the past of being over-sexed. i don't think i've ever met a girl who could match my appetite for love-making...or a boy for that matter. i wonder if i have some sort of satyrism (nymphomania for boys) or sexual addiction? anyone? thoughts? what i want to know is WHY? why is it so wrong to enjoy sex? why is it wrong to be a sexual creature? to enjoy sensation and flesh? that's what i have a really hard time understanding. how can sex and love be one thing when they are totally different parts of my brain? how come sex and love have to be catagorized into one group, when OBVIOUSLY there are many in my life i have loved and not fucked; and many i've fucked and not loved? furthermore, what about the ones i've liked and liked fucking, but never LOVED in the sense that i love jelly? jelly is unique to my life, that's why i married her, because she is a one-of-a-kind and i believe that no other woman could ever fill her shoes. they may get close, but really, they'll never fill that role in my life. that's my point. that what i share with jelly cannot be severed. that's the difference. that my love for her TRANSCENDS flesh, time, space, and everything else inbetween. how can this be wrong? how can what i feel be wrong? obviously there are many people in the world who live as i do. men, women who've learned to be who they are and exist as that without having to repress themselves. i don't want to be one of those people that represses themselves to a point where the inherent NEED becomes subversive. i see it happen all too often, AND i myself have done it. i HATE that. it's why i broke up with ali. because THAT IS JUST NOT WHO I AM. after all these years i've spent understanding that, i'm certainly not turning back and i'm certainly not going to be suddenly "CURED" of my nature or just "forget" that it exists. so that was something i related to my friend. i told him he can't MAKE his girl un-bisexual, and he can't MAKE her un-sexual. that he shouldn't repress her desire because in the end it blows up in your face. it's not easy. TRULY bisexual people have an incredibly hard time finding truely loving and fulfilling relationships because it is difficult for regular "straight" people to understand and cope with. it's a double-threat. but i think that it's necessary for people to start extracting love from sex. sex is flesh. love is divine. all are within the realm of experience, and thus the body of God. people just need to understand that being TRULY bisexual isn't easy. there is a lot of soul-searching required, for both bi men and bi women. it's harder for bi men to be accepted, not only in the "straight" community, but amazingly enough in the "gay" community. i think that bi women probably run into the same problem to a somewhat lesser degree, but it's there none-the-less. woman have the luxury of "being experimental in college". men have no such luxury. if i told my uber-straight male friends that i "experimented in college once by sucking a mans cock to completion"...well...you can pretty much guess what the reaction would be. hell, even some GIRLS would find that odious. there were a lot of potential mates in my single days that i could have totally loved, but being who i was alienated a lot of them. to me that was the saddest and most painful aspect of myself. that i lost so many to a simple label. that even WOMEN were narrow-minded when it came to a relationship with me and always it ended with the ultimatum... "stay and be what i want, or forever be exiled." i chose exile. i'll choose exile every time. i'd rather be completely alone than not be allowed to be who i am. 11:10 a.m. - 2006-01-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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