stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FUCK YOU Mr. Brightside i always feel like people forget that i have shitty days too. that things don't work out the way i want them to, and that sometimes i just feel like crawling under a rock and hibernating for a 1000 years. all the time people say that i have this sunshine demeanor, that i'm always amiable and personable and seem to know what to say and when to say it. i have a way of making people happier, of brightening days and spreading infectious cheer and generally having a good disposition. but really that's just what i show. it's how i choose to handle the bad things that happen to me in my life. lately though i'm getting pretty sick of this whole "Mr. Sunshine-Happy-Pants" shit. when do i get to piss all over people and act like an asshole when my day is shitty? when do i get to bitch and moan and rail against god and the government and my parents for handing me the dirty ass-fuck end of the stick? it's about time that people feel MY pain. it's about time that people SUFFER for all the shit that's happened to me in MY life. because i'm sick and tired of always having the positive attitude, of always trying to be cheery, of reaching out the helping hand and bringing people up when they're down. it's fucking too much goddamn work. no one else fucking does it so why the fuck should i? the world is fucked. people are fucked. nothing ever turns out the way I WANT IT TO. no one ever does ANYTHING i say. so fuck everyone. i have hopes and dreams and desires and needs just like everyone else. what makes their pain and suffering and bad days so goddamn special? what makes them more important than me and MY shitty day and my shitty life? why should i even try to help them? they don't do anything for me? so fuck the bozos. no one does a cute dance and flashes a smile and a wink and brightens my day. they just load more shit on me. i must seem inhumanly happy to people. inhumanly indomitable in character and disposition. just once i want to cry and scream and smash things. just once i'd like to show people that i too can fuck up, that i too am sad and sick inside. i want them to feel it as much as i do. i want them to feel it so much they vomit. because that's what i feel like doing. i want to impose my regret, hatred, anger, sorrow, pain, disillusionment, depression, disdain, disenfranchisement, and disenchantment. i want them all to wallow in it like pigs in a slaughterhouse filled with shit and mud and detritus. i want to breath fire and smoke and lay waste to all of humanity so that nothing is left standing. not one human remains. because when has it ever been worth it? what great things have we done that haven't been completely obscured or eclipsed by folly or tragedy. sick little dirty monkeys. wipe the slate clean. set everything to zero. burn it all away. i want to be selfish too. i want to tell everyone to fuck off and that life isn't worth it and you might as well just get a shotgun and end it with your brains on the wall. because no one cares and the universe doesn't care and there is NO GOD who cares. it's easier that way. i want to be lazy and shitty too. because doing the opposite is just too much fucking work and people just aren't fucking worth it in the end. life is a giant fucking joke. everything you think is important isn't, and everything you think you do that makes a difference really doesn't and the world keeps spinning and no one fucking cares. welcome to MY dark side. i'm putting it up for all the world to fucking see. here it is. the devil inside. what do you think of Mr. Brightside now? the callous and uncaring side, the malicious and malignant side, the hateful and merciless side, the side that is filled with nothingness and darkness, the side that wants people to hurt in eternal agony and dispair? nice huh? *sigh* the truth is that just isn't me. i can't do it. as much as i'd like, i can't. but no one sees it. i feel it is all taken for granted...but maybe it isn't. it's always the little things that bring so much happiness...and it's always the little things that go unnoticed...maybe that's why? everyone suffers, what makes mine any more or less important than anyone elses? at least that's what i ask myself. that, and the fact that there is a five year old child dying of AIDS and starvation somewhere in the world...paints a different picture of my "pain". makes it rather trite and insignificant. but maybe that's the wrong way to think about it? what the fuck do i know? i just count my blessings. i could die tomorrow...sometimes i wish i did... ~B-) 5:37 p.m. - 2005-11-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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