stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A growing evolution today we celebrate our one month anniversary! so far so good, though we've had more hiccups in the past month than we've had throughout the 3 years we've known each other prior. i suppose that it is just an adjustment phase as we adapt to our lives together. shortly after we were married (like the day after) people would ask... "so you feel any different?" which i was rather puzzled by. why would i feel any different? what changes could possibly happen that would make it any different than the day before? at the time it was silly; but actually after a month i'm beginning to understand a little. it can't be helped. adjustments just happen. i think too that since marriage has a level of finality to it - in that it isn't easy in any sense of the word to just pack up and walk away from it - you actually have to stick around and work on keepin' it together. i think that in and of itself changes the dynamic of the relationship. that, and because we are a unit, a single mind, our priorities have just naturally shifted to a more practical and future-focused method and philosophy. gone are the days of spontanaeity. even spur-of-the-moment impulses seem to have to be carefully planned out and within budget. frivolity has been replaced by a level of pragmatism and forethought. goals have shifted and thoughts are more on a future with children and family...car, house, stable finances, carreer, etc. in some ways romance and passion seem to be somewhat of an afterthought to saving money and dealing with day-to-day stresses and worries. i think to that part of the adjustment is that the last of any pretenses that may have existed have completely slipped away, and the last of any expectations are being snuffed. we are left with who we are...no frills, no veils...nothing is hidden and everything is in plain sight. i think that this is a natural progression, and a very healthy one as well. what is most difficult is the reconciliation of two very different people. the trick is finding the comprimise without complete sacrifice of one or the other to one or the other. it really is quite fascinating on an objective level, but definitely quite a challenge on a personal/emotional level. there have been days when i've been quite depressed, and then there are days that i've been ecstatic. there are strides in some directions and steps backward in others. the play of power is very interesting, and it is even more interesting to see and understand who really holds power in the relationship. in many respects i've been trying really hard to alter myself. i just wish to live a normal life of a normal person. at one time i was quite proud of my crazy and abstract ways, but more and more i fear that those very same ways will be my undoing...and moreover, the undoing of the relationship. i don't feel that who i am and what i am is jermaine to what we are trying to build and what is necessary for the sense of security and comfort that my mate desires. that being said, i have been focusing on the time of my life, long ago, when i was more naive...around the highschool era. at that time i had not tasted the forbidden fruits of the world and was as self-righteous and noble as anyone could be. i didn't smoke, i didn't do drugs, and i didn't sleep around. i was a virgin in every sense of the word. lately i've been trying to return to that state of mind...trying to walk back down the paths of memory to that time...trying to recall what it was like to not feel the lust, or the hunger, or the cravings of the flesh. i try to think of a time before my indulgences and my experimentations and my regrets and sorrows...a time when a kiss was an unspoken commitment, and there was only one girl of whom i dreamed. if i can remember it, what it felt like, who i was, then perhaps i can recreate it into a new form and shape for myself now? worth a shot i suppose. all i know is that i need to evolve again, to reshape my essence. though the arguement to the contrary is that who i am is who is loved...that all of what i have become and grown into is the object of desire and love...but, i feel that despite, it is exactly who i am and what i've become that seems to cause so much friction and uncertainty. so much fear and insecurity. it's not a matter of loving it...it is a matter of LIVING with it. it is the latter that i fear is not possible. what matters most, and what is most important to me, is that i made a promise...a vow. to do whatever it takes to make you happy, to do everything in my power to maintain a sense of security and safety, love and devotion, loyalty and understanding. if my nature runs counter to that in any way, then i must change it. otherwise what good is my promise? i will tear down and destroy everything that i am and rebuild from the ashes for that promise. it is even moreso now than ever. i do not take these things lightly and i never will. it is this that i have sworn, and it is an oath greater than blood or time or anything. so be it. ~B-) 11:27 a.m. - 2005-06-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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