stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i'm terrified, alone and depressed my wife and i have become bitter adversaries in a war of wills it seems. every day i grow thinner and thinner. and i have never felt so utterly, inneffably alone or depressed in my entire life. to realize that i have no one i can really talk to anymore. that the one person i have faith in and believe in doesn't have one shred of trust left for me. i sort of had a creeping suspicion that she was digging around in my things, that she has been going thru my phone records...possibly listening to my voicemail...for what? so as a test i locked my phone before i went to bed, and this morning i heard her pressing the buttons on my phone...??? i don't understand this behavior. i haven't been hiding anything at all, yet she deems it necessary to snoop...she distrusts me THAT MUCH... every day it hurts to wake up. to know that i've lost my partner and my confidant...that we've become the bitterest of rivals. that i can't share anything with her for fear of what may happen, what she may do, and the wrath and further emotional turmoil that comes from it. i wish i could just vanish...but at the end of the day i just keep moving...hoping...waiting...like some spirit in purgatory, for some answer or some resolution... once long ago i feared...even believed that there was no one for me...that i would be alone for the rest of my life. that i would have, at most, friends and perhaps lovers; but i would never be like my mom and dad, or my aunt and uncle, or my grandma and grandpa. that i would never have a family, never have children, never love the way i wanted to or hoped to or dreamed to. that i was destined to walk this earth as i am and on my own. then one day i found someone who proved me wrong...who rekindled my faith and helped me to believe that maybe that was just my fear and lonliness. that i could be happy and live happy and have all the things i wanted and still be okay...still have someone...even if it wasn't according to "the rules"...even if it wasn't "conventional" by any means. i was proud of it. i loved it greatly, it was mine and on my terms...and moreover OUR terms... but now...now i'm lost again. lost for words...lost for time...lost. i've talked until my tongue and eyes are swollen with tears and my heart is wracked with sobs...talked until every word is gone...and regardless it seems that everything i say is twisted, misread, or just not heard at all. everything i do is scrutinized, cataloged, dissected, analyzed...i'm powerless. all the actions and words in the world will not win this battle, and every day i grow more weary, more worn, more frayed at the edges. i feel pointless and empty...and i don't know how much longer i can fight...fight for what i believe in...fight for what i feel is true...fight for what i feel and what i love...fight for my wife. she would give this other person all this power to destroy and i fear more than anything that she'll never realize the only person destroying anything is herself. that my heart hasn't been "won" or "stolen" by anyone...but rather it's slowly being crushed by the very person who it belongs to. that i haven't been taken away, i'm being pushed away. that the more i hurt the more i withdraw...the more i begin to try to cut out all the parts of me that feel until i can't feel anymore...until i'm a shade...a ghost...a wraith...a haunt...a shell...as gutted as a fish at the market. no heart, no lungs, no stomach, no soft insides that ache or burn or wither. just emptiness. not because i don't love and certainly not because i love someone else...but because i love HER greatly and i can't begin to quantify how indescribably painful it is to see it slowly strangled to death by our own hands...to see the mistrust in her heart and to in turn mistrust her...to see the fear and the anger and the hate burning under the veneer of her smile and in turn smile to hide from it and keep it at bay... THAT is the monster she fears, not this other girl, this construct that she would give dominion over the earth and the heavens and all things...it is THAT and it will devour everything around her. it will push every friend away, it will kill every love...then after everyone is gone...it is all that she will have left...just her and her anger, hatred and self-loathing. i can't save her from it...nothing i can say or do will make it go away...it'll just keep feeding and feeding...it'll change shapes and faces...one day this person, the next day another, until finally it'll be me...and then... ...like a star that has collapsed into a black hole, it will become so dense that not even light can escape it... i know in my heart what i feel and what i think...and i know in my heart what is the truth and what is fear...and above all i know what love means to me. i will stand by it even if it tears me to pieces...even if it means my ruin...even if it leaves me alone and broken... prove me wrong. or prove me right. now if i can just get the courage to press "done!"... 1:28 p.m. - 2007-03-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||