stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ivy is a creeper...so is envy... so i don't know why, but lately i've had this indefineable feeling. an insidious and negative feeling that is completely foreign to me. envy. i finally put my finger on it. after weeks of wondering what this dark and twisted poison was that had tainted my view. it's envy. which is new for me. normally i just don't give a shit. but recently i'm filled with a vile hatred for anyone that has something i want but don't have. a lil malicious and melevilent part of me would like nothing more than to see everything they love, everything they hold dear, every trinket, trophy, triumph...burn...burn to ash. it's an evil little thing this envy. and it's odd because taking a step back i really have nothing to complain about...i just don't have what I WANT. so then this lil demon in my head sees others who have things i want, or are doing things i want to do, or seemed to have, somewhere along the way, managed to work their life out "perfectly"...and it hates with all its sick envious heart. i don't like it. but you live in a city like LA for long enough and i think you become infected with it. a lil parasite that burrows down into your medula oblongata and pulls at the threads of your mind. gnaws on the good parts of your heart until nothing is left...just a hallow emptiness that aches with longing...aches to be filled by something...filled with money...or power...or anything, no matter how fleeting or flimsy, anything...anything to fill the hole. *sigh* so yeah, i've got it. i only hope i can somehow purge myself of it. i feel like i live as honestly as i can...that every day i strive to live life on my terms and overall make a good experience of it for myself and anyone else who wants to come along for the ride...but it seems that no one cares...or moreover, it doesn't pay off worth shit. be as nice as you want but it doesn't buy you a fucking house or a new car or anything. so i envy. i envy those who have houses and homes and high-paying jobs and nice cars. when i hear someone got a new job or some other mundane accomplishment, my heart darkens with this foul lil emotion. and behind my smile, my teeth grind, and i hate them...hate them for what i just can't seem to be...hate them for everything i don't have...hate them for all the desire i have that is unfulfilled and unfulfillable... it burns so hot sometimes...i'm surprised they don't burst into flames from it. i hope i can shake it, i'm really going to try. there's no point in it really. but it's hard. just need a lil perspective maybe...maybe i've got too many expectations i need to drop... anyway, at least it's friday. ~B-) 4:57 p.m. - 2006-12-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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