stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One for me...One for my homies... i'm deeply depressed. there is a lot that weighs upon my heart right now. i feel like i haven't really been a good friend to the people in my life that matter the most. i haven't seen some of my groomsmen since i got married. distance makes it hard for some, but the ones here in town...well...i feel that it is inexusable of me not to have reached out to contact them more often. it sucks not having my own vehicle. i can't just hop into my ride and go out for a few pints with my boys. it saddens me to no end. i guess it really just hits me hard as of late because i don't have a lot of people at the moment that i can confide in. not only that but i've watching certain events and situations unfold over the past couple of weeks that just remind me of how important good friends are. friends who won't turn their back on you, or pass judgement on you, or force stupid ultimatums upon you, or steal from you, or overstay their welcome, or be katty or two-faced or mean or spiteful or fair-weathered. that and i miss male companionship. i miss just laughin' with the guys. boys are so much different than girls when it boils down to social interaction. there is a whole level of stupid, irrelevant, and vicious politic that men just don't get into. i don't really understand it. i don't understand the difference, but lately i just desire my ol' buddies again. i'm going to make a better point of reaching out to them and letting them know that i think of them often. i feel pretty lousy about it all and i feel that it's important now for me to get out there and reconnect. i need a place to breathe deep and relax too, i need people who will listen to me...people who aren't involved in ways that others might be. i oftentimes find myself in the precarious position of "the middle". i always end up in the middle of things. on one hand it offers me an interesting perspective of events and situations...i can see the pieces and how they fit or don't fit...the machinery...the big picture...but it also is quite tricky because even though i'm in the middle i'm still a part of it and suddenly it's about taking sides, or who's right and who's wrong...stupid bullshit politic. no one communicates, people see only what they want to, hear only what they want to, or don't even bother to listen at all. in the middle i can see all the elements and how they're falling into place. i know the history and circumstance of each element. in the end nobody is fuckin' right or wrong. there is no "side" to take. it's just people being vicious and stupid and cruel and petty. i know i'm being a bit vague. but i think that we all can relate to this in some sense or another. we've all been caught in the middle of an arguement between two people, or groups of people at one point in our lives or another. in my observation most people end up choosing a "side" just to avoid suddenly becoming the one everyone hates anyway. we choose the side that will most likely be the victor, the side that has the best odds or the side we agree with more or the side that will further our social agenda or social influence. humans are fucking stupid. some would say there is no truly altruistic act. that nothing anyone ever does is without some hidden goal or purpose. whether it be to feed the ego and make them feel better or to put them into a position of power over another person or allow them to find more ways to manipulate people, always there is a motivation...a selfish motivation...thus, there is no truly unselfish act. if that's the case then what is friendship anyway? what does it matter? do we hang out with people who make simply make us feel good...about ourselves, our lives, our decisions, our mistakes, our pimples and flaws and everything? is friendship just another human method of validation? of making oneself feel good? the more i look around the more i feel like that's more often than not the case. and i'm painfully reminded of all the good friends i haven't talked to in a while. and i miss them. a lot. Starfly! if you're listenin', miss ya! hope your weekend last weekend was rockin' crazy and you had a nice good debaucherous time. to all my other homies, i promise you'll be hearing from me soon. let's get out and toss back a few pints. talk about nothing in particular and just let this silly little world with its silly little people slip by us for a few hours. i'm reading you. 5:35 p.m. - 2005-08-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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