stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary

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Dawn of the Dead

DAWN OF THE DEAD

strange dreams last night...

like Dawn of the Dead...

fog enshrouded suburb, a run to the mall as the government rounded up survivors. taking cover in the mall, running with friends and strangers through labyrinthine shops and corridors with seemingly no end and no beginning. delving deeper and deeper into darkness, trying to stay alive, hunted by the hordes of undead. i fought for them, the people who were with me, fought with knives and guns. splattering icor, rotted brains and entrails...i was covered in blood...but all of them, all of those i loved were turned, and i had to kill them too...

then it would play again from the beginning. fog enshrouded suburb, a run to the mall as the government rounded up survivors. finding a way inside, then delving again through limitless halls and shops...deeper and deeper...fighting, killing...hopeless...

the third time i awoke becuase i had left my guns and weapons somewhere else in the mall, somewhere else in the dream, and i was alone again, all of my friends, all of the people i was fighting to protect had turned. i had locked them behind a rusted steel security door and ran down a flight of curving steps to what i only assumed was the parking garage or basement. as i approached the glass doors the dead were on the other side...clawing, scratching, moaning, hungry...i was trapped...

***

i was awake...

the amber sunlight filtering through the windows took an ominous and foreboding cast and i couldn't shake the feeling that a part of my dream had awoken with me...

in part i had a good weekend, but now i am left with regret.

i feel as though the world has changed without me; and deeds, now done, cannot be undone try as i may. there is only the waiting now.

the waiting and deepest of introspection. my heart is silent and my mind is a tempest - the bittersweet clash of calm and calamity.

things are different now, and all will change. how? i do not know and cannot divine from omens and signs; but i cannot shake this feeling that something has died...

"goodbye"...spoken like any other morning, but today it was different...different than the days before...sad. it rang of a thousand years and thousand miles of distance, an unbridgable gap...of leaving forever. maybe not in body, but maybe much worse...a great gulf yawns like an awakening beast. i fear it will swallow us whole.

i only know that rarely is it ever as simple as we say, and rarely does it resolve in a way that we expect.

a million questions buzz, things i try to correlate and cannot understand. many things must change to strike a balance, that is all i really know.

in time...who knows?

faith.

regret and anger are the two most destructive emotions. the latter like a wrecking ball, the former like termites. one is blatant and explosive destruction, the other more insidious. a wrecking ball crushing, smashing, rending the foundations of the soul, to the bonds between people...brothers, sisters, friends, lovers...
the termites...eating ever so slowly at the structures...eroding and weakening the strength of the things that hold it all together until it is riddled with holes and crumbles to dust.

i am afraid and sorrowful...and i regret.

faith.

let it fumigate me.

i must take the insights and understandings, of myself and others, to build something better.

to find balance and resolve things back to an equilibrious state.

i must cut away and kill the dead parts, to protect those that i love from being devoured...or else be alone...trapped in the subterranean catacombs of my mind with nothing but my dead parts...hungry and devouring, scratching at the doors...

~B-)

8:41 a.m. - 2005-06-07

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