stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary

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4 DAYS AND COUNTING!! leaving my fear and my doubt at the door!!

4 MORE DAYS!!!

that's right ladies, 4 days and i'm officially married. i know, i know...it breaks your poor lil hearts to know that the omnipotent sex-god stardustcboy is no longer available in stores near you, but never you fear, i plan on making mass-produced clones for ladies around the world!

so everything is falling into place. things are set, there are a few lil bumps, but nothing that i already didn't plan for overall.

outside that just trying to finish up my work here at the office so that i won't be too sorely missed for the next week. after today i'm off!!! woohoo!!! that's not to say it's gonna' be smooth sailin' from here on out. all my family comes in over the next few days so i'm sure i'll be runnin' around entertaining them and getting them up to speed on all the wedding preps and other such unsundary details.

everyone keeps asking me if i'm nervous. i'm really not. this step seems wholly natural to me, and if anything i'm pretty excited...not only to proclaim my eternal and undying love for JeLLy from the mountaintop; but also just to be done with this whole ordeal!! jeez!! soon our money will be our own again!! soon we can just get on with our lives together and have all this zaniness behind us. that's not to say i don't look forward to saturday, on the contrary, i think it'll all turn out fantastic; but all this prep and stress and worry, it'll be nice to have it all out of the way and just relax in the jacuzzi tub in the honeymoon suite in santa barbara with my JeLLy!! that's all i'm talkin' about! aw yeah!

in the end what matters most to me is that even if the cake gets squashed, or it's pouring rain, or our guests are fist-fighting during the ceremony, or even if all of california starts sliding into the ocean - that above all that, beyond all that, JeLLy is standing before me in front of the reverend. as long as she's there all hell could be breakin' loose and i really wouldn't notice. that's all that matters to me in the end.

but on the subject of nervousness...i'm resolute in this decision, and as i stated earlier, it feels natural and i really can't see a day in the future without my JeLLy. i wanna' have her babies, i wanna' love her all the long years of her life. i'm not the type to make these kinds of decisions hastily, and a lot of forethought and calculated planning went into our courtship...much to JeLLy's chagrin! :-P

in the end i have absolute faith in our love for one another. that's not to say there are things i won't miss, or things that i am apprehensive about. thinking about it i decided to write up a little list of stuff starting with...

THINGS I WILL MISS AFTER I'M MARRIED...SORT OF...

- i do like the excitement of dating. the variety, the spontenaity, the opportunity to woo and charm women around the world. it really is a fun lil thing for me, and i've met many a good people from my dating years. i'll admit to missing the thrill of the hunt, the chase, the dance. the surge of endorphines and hormones, the welling of passion and intensity, the butterflies; and the ability to mark a target and just go for it balls out.

- hangin' with the ol' homies. it's true that marriage re-arranges your priorities. there's no doubt about it. my number one priority is my wife, all other priorities are rescinded. i love all my friends, but they are no longer responsible for my care. i will miss being able to hang with them at whim and random; but overall they themselves are moving into new areas of their lives, some are engaged themselves, others live in far-away places, and others still have their careers. it's not like i'll not be seeing them again, not by a longshot; but our relationship and our meetings will be confined to when i have time or when i don't have plans. this isn't a bad thing, it's just the natural way. i won't be able to go out as much with them because my role will be different. i really can't "fly wingman" at a club or bar because i have a wife to come home to. i'm sure they will miss this, but they understand and so do i.

***

that's really the only things i will "miss" per se...even though with JeLLy and i dating is still present, just in a different sense of the word; and it certainly is not a common occurance overall. more fun and social than anything, but it is dependant upon a concensus between the both of us. i am bound to her now. that then leads me to...

THINGS THAT I FEAR...IRRATIONALLY OF COURSE...

- i suppose i'm used to seeing relationships, and marriages, fail 7 times out of 10. that being said i fear just the natural change, and ultimately entropy, that can work its way between two people. i've seen it happen first hand, i've seen it happen to others. sometimes we just have our different paths and there is nothing we can do but let go and head our seperate ways. this is probably one of the hardest and most painful processes of the human spirit, and i have faith that our growth from here on out will be in parallel directions together...but you never know, and therein lies the doubt and fear

- i guess i also fear that what brought us together in the first place - the heat, the spark, the electricity will fade into the commonplace and that we will forget or take for granted the energies that bound us and brought us to one another. going back to the first point, i've seen first hand this process. the slow ebbing of desire, the fading of flames to embers to coal until there is no lust or passion, just mechanical routine.

- i also fear that now that she's got me married, she'll stop being who she is...that everything up to this point was a pretense to get me to this point and that now that i'm here, the pretense drops and suddenly she's not the same person. again, these fears overall are irrational, and in the end i am guided by my faith in her and in my love; but this happens, and it has happened to me before. all fun and games and freaky-deaky up to the "committed" part and suddenly it's rules and commands and nagging and...hey where did the girl i met go?

***

again, all this is faith. faith in her, faith in me, faith in our love. it's like God. we know that the world sucks ass, and that suck ass things happen, but we walk with faith in the divine that despite the suck assity of it all, we will survive and be tempered and humbled by it and that in the end we are made better and wiser. such is love. i must say that there are definitely...

THINGS I WILL NOT MISS AT ALL!!

- the reverse side of the coin of dating is the uncertainty and stupid human retardation aspect of it all. there is, i'm sure you all will agree, a gigantic list of things i WILL NOT miss about being single. let's not romanticize it shall we? there are things in the single life that are just hands down suck ass-a-riffic and moving past them, i'm thankful that i'll never have to deal with them again. i won't go into great details because i'm sure everyone here already knows what the hell i'm talking about.

- coming home to an empty apartment. it's nice to have a little life in the place, a bit of a woman's touch and care. it's almost a symbol of my heart. before she was around it was messy and dusty and dark, untouched and uncared for. then she came along and opened up the curtains, cleaned up the cobwebs and the mess, and put pretty little things all over the place. it feels like home now, it is our place...my heart...my apartment...same thing.

***

i'm sure there are a few other things i'm missing, but overall that sums it up. i may not be able to post for some time after this so never you worry. i'll be back soon enough with the WPR, tales of the wedding and the honeymoon, and other such things!!

i wish you all well out there in d-land and beyond. much love everyone!!

i'm reading you...
~B-)

11:12 a.m. - 2005-05-10

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