stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- \"Neither feign affection, nor be cynical about love...for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass...\" ~desederata
such a wonderful day out here in socali, i just wanted to jump in a spread a lil bit of the sunshine. seems like things are goin' all right on average...a little disgruntlation with relationships...typical, it always seems to happen during spring time in my humble observations. i think it's due in part to the fact that people, deep down inside, know that the summer time is not the time to settle down. au contraire!! it is the time to get out and get crazy! go on adventures, have fun, enjoy the weather and definitely not bog oneself down with the burdens of maintaining/developing/nurturing a deep emotional relationship. i think all you single katz and kittenz out there should stop thinking so much and just enjoy life. be yourselves! you know, sometimes i wonder if people really understand what being in love is all about. oftentimes i think that people are more IN LOVE with the IDEA of being in love, than actually BEING in love. it's like a drug. the high you feel when you meet someone new, the tingle of confidence and rush of various chemicals through the blood-stream, the attention, the doting, the whole dance. i think one of the greatest errors people can make when it comes to dating and hooking up and all that jazz is mistaking these basic biochemical/physiological processes as love. i've said it before and i'll say it again. butterflies, fuzzy feelings in the loins, and mind-blowing orgasms do not a love make. period. love, or at least in terms of what i think people really are seeking in a relationship, happens AFTER all that stuff. it's easy to think that someone is the bees knees when you're high as a kite on endorphines and dopamine. but as that stuff settles out the feeling wears off a bit then you have to deal with the ACTUAL PERSON. yep, you actually have to accept them for who they are. you have to actually find a certain amount of cuteness in their bad habits and stubborn nature or whatever. you have to LEARN to communicate with them because, crazily enough, love doesn't make people psychic. and even more so, they actually have to do the same for you. sure, sure...you're perfect in every way and should be treated like a queen/king all the time because you're infallible and gorgeous/handsome and well hung or have big tits or whatever various personality traits you have that you take pride in...well sorry to break it to ya but...you snore when you sleep, or you have a habit of picking your scabs, or you leave your dirty panties lying around, or always flush your used tampons down the toilet, or never clean the dishes, or have smelly feet, or don't shave your beaver or don't look like brad pitt or WHATEVER. the point is no one, not even ourselves, is perfect. when the high of romance and all that is gone, you have to deal with what lies beneath...the real stuff...THE PERSON and PERSONS involved. raw human. sexual attraction can take two forms, as we all pretty much know...the physical lusty attraction that can happen between two people...or...the cerebral and intellectual attraction that can bring two people together. again, these connections don't make it LOVE. they make it infatuation, affection, chemistry, and a myriad of other things...but LOVE comes later...when all that wears off and you're left looking at yourself (as you really are) and the other person (as they really are). ideally, the feelings of butterflies and daffodils and spring sunshine happy bunnies will transition nice and smooth into the reality of the two people. it takes a bit of humility and patience on both ends for this to occur in a balanced and non-violent/argumental way. it'll totally fail when the two people involved instist on holding each other to whatever rediculous ideals of LOVE they have in their wacky lil heads...and remain stubborn and insistent on maintaining the fading happy-fuzzy-bunny feelings of their first meeting. you see, we live in a little place that i like to refer to sometimes as "reality". believe it or not, movies and television aren't "reality" even though a lot of people have and do confuse the two quite a bit. in movies love is a nice and simple little formula that fits into less than 2 hours of time. in television it's even less! on tv love can fit into a 20 minute (not including commercials) episode. it's nice and easy and fast and convenient and...well...let's just face it... UTTERLY, REDICULOUSLY, AND HIDEOUSLY TRITE AND BANAL. LOVE doesn't fit into a 2 hour movie. it doesn't fit into a 20 minute television episode...i don't care if it's the fucking "bachelorette/bachelor" or fantasy fucking reality island. LOVE may actually take all of your life to figure out. it's like god or religion. it cannot be summarized or catagorized as one thing or another. some people think God is the supreme being while others think it's mohammad or shiva or whatever. same with love. you gotta' find the person who shares your same views of love. you can't CONVERT them to jesus...or your idea of love...just as much as they can sell you on the idea of atheism...or love. are we getting the analogy yet? we walk around our lives filled with all sorts of rediculous expectations of everyone and everything including ourselves. then we try to force everything and everyone including ourselves into these pie-in-the-sunshiney-happy-cloudless sky expectations we have, and suddenly we're all sad and pissed because nothing works out the way we want it to. does anyone take the time to examine their expectations anymore? or do we just throw in the towel and walk away in search of the next victim to push our wacky ideals onto? for cryin' out loud we need to fuckin' relax a bit. our society is seriously driving us all insane. dates should be easy-going and relaxed, considered more as a possibility of meeting a new friend and not so much of a screening for marriage material. i know, i know...in today's hectic, fast-paced, hamster-wheel world who's got time? we want it all! we want it NOW! fuck patience! how long does that take? goin' into a date with the "is this girl/guy possible LTR material" is a pretty hard-line mindset. i mean, isn't that already setting yourself up for disappointment? let's face it, no one in the world is going to live up to the fantasy idea of prince or princess charming that you've been developing since you were 13. the best is to just take it easy, encourage your new friend to take it easy. serious relationship talk shouldn't even happen for 6 months to a year in my opinion. co-habitation is fuckin' yesterdays news for people unwilling to commit to marriage. for cryin' out loud if the idea of marriage is still a foreign concept then for the love of god don't live with the person! love, marriage and children aren't just another step up the ladder. they're ephemeral phases...intangible moments...non-material states of being. as i said before it can't be summerized or compartmentalized into a 2 hour, 2 day, 2 week, 2 year or even 2 decade plan. you've got to be willing to move with it, and be capable of realizing when it just isn't happening. we've learned to objectify everything to such a degree that it totally impairs our intuitive reactions. finish school, go to college, get a job, marry someone, get a house, have kids. on paper that sounds pretty simple. but in practical application it can (and will) span decades of time and it certainly won't go according to your schedule or your plan. you may jump around a bit...move forwards, move backwards...sideways, zig ways, zag ways and 40 ways from sundays. that's part of the fun. meeting new people is fun. hangin' out and enjoying good company is fun. finding someone to jump on the bed every now and again is fun. having a buddy to help you have fun when you feel like ass is fun. friends who make you feel better are fun. LOVE IS ALL OF THE ABOVE AND MORE. disagreement is fine. punching someone in the face or making them feel like shit because they disagree is not. having standards is fine too. being realistic about those standards is what counts. is it realistic to expect a woman to be completely shaved, have an never-ending sexual appetite, have a "perfect" body, clean, cook, do laundry, massage your back, and be made up and pretty all the time realistic? we have to learn to apply realistic expectations to people we meet. we have to learn to accept the limitations of both ourselves and those around us. there are days when you just don't feel like getting all dressed up. days where you just wanna' lay around in your comfy pajamas and not clean or go out or do anything. there are days when you'd rather just order pizza and grab a case of beer from the store. there are days when you just wanna' cuddle and not get freaky. there are good days, and bad days...sunny days...rainy days... the trick is finding a companion who will walk all the days of your life with you and be able to enjoy it and vice-versa. someone who realizes that there are all sorts of days and can understand what it is to have "one of those days". not get pissy because you had a bad day and just want to relax and sleep instead of fucking or going to a fon du restaraunt. the point is to remember that all this takes TIME. when it comes to LOVE you can't rush into things. it's gotta' happen naturally and i garauntee you'll intuitively know what is too fast or not fast enough. a good rule of thumb is... if you're even questioning it, it should be considered more deeply. when something is natural, feels natural, it just happens. there's not a lot of "oh, should i do this?" or "oh no! what if this happens?" or "why isn't this happening?" or "should i say this? or do that?" the fact that there is hesitation or questions to begin with should already send up a red flag. why? only a question you can answer. sometimes things start out right and seem to go the right way but then just sort of fizzle out. this is okay too. that shit happens. bygones. try as hard as you can to avoid letting past experiences pollute your current experience. so many times i've seen people fuck good things up because they're like... "well, when i was with so-and-so, she did this and that and it hurt and i just don't want to deal with that pain again. i can't handle it. i'd rather just leave than have to go through that again." SURPRISE DIPSHIT!! the person you're dating isn't "so-and-so"!! the entire situation and your relationship to it should be taken on a case-by-case basis. if you find yourself with similar people over and over and over and over and over and over again you might really want to start examining that deeply. you're developing a modus operendi (M.O.). do you want to be a serial monogamamist all your life? and yes, deal with the fact that more often than not you're going to get hurt. there is a really mind-blowingly large number of assholes out there in the world. ideally, you want to be smart enough to spot 'em on site. if anything, you need to be strong enough to keep on goin' after having to deal with one directly. quit yer bitchin'. finally, life is impermanent. it doesn't last all that long considering how old a lot of other things are (the sun for example). thus, you'll find that things tend to be fleeting. that happiness and all that comes and goes seemingly at random. that's just how it is. that being the case, nothing lasts forever. even when you find that person, that companion, to share your days...sorry to break it to you...one of you is going to die someday, and eventually both of you will be dead. i know, it's morbid, and it isn't something people like to think about. but in the end it's what should be the driving force behind all your interactions with people, friends, lovers, family and the world around you. because whatever you do today, whatever you say...it better damn well be good...because tomorrow you might be dead. end point. live well ya'll! summer is almost here and i highly recommend you really, REALLY get out and enjoy it. not because you have an itinerary, but because you love to ride the wind wherever it may take you. ~B-) 3:25 p.m. - 2005-04-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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