stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary
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WEEKLY PORN REVIEW: SNOOP DOG'S 'DOGGYSTYLE VOLUME 1'
before i begin with the review, i'd like to welcome you all to my new weekly (or semi-weekly depending) column, officially entitled the Weekly Porn Review, or the WPR.
just a few quick notes about the rating system of my review before i begin. first off, the ratings are on a scale of 1 to 10 much like my regular movie reviews. this number then represents a percentage of success. thusly, a score of 9-10 is a 90-100% (or an 'A'-'A+'); a score of 8 is an 80% ('B'); a score of 7 is 70% ('C') and so on. a rating of 6.9 or less will denote a stinker of a flick in both the WPR and any other movie i choose to review.
in the case of pornography, the score is a cumalative representation of the films artistry, eroticism, sensuality, sexuality, acting, inventiveness, sound, sound-track, and general quality. as a disclaimer, this is merely my opinion of a film (though remember i did attend film school) and should be considered critically. relax.
so without further ado...
WEEKLY PORN REVIEW: SNOOP DOGG'S 'DOGGYSTYLE VOL. 1'
this DvD was given to me as a gift on my 29th birthday. i immediately laughed at the idea of good ol' snoop d-o-double-g hosting a hard-core porn flick, and overall i must say that i was fascinated by the novelty of the idea. when i first popped in this baby i was actually quite impressed and excited by the production value and star quality of the whole thing. sadly, by the time it was over, the film only managed to build up my expectations then dash them against the shoals of disillusionment. this film sets up so much great material, but in the end totally fails to deliver.
the film opens with a short lil monologue from none other than snoop himself, welcoming the viewer to his crib, and inviting you to sit back and enjoy the wild house party and fly ass bitches 'n' trix. i couldn't help but giggle because his eyes were like tiny lil red slits, and it was utterly obvious to me that he was stoned out of his gourd.
so the party begins. after the quick opening intro by snoop, the film launches with a wild x-rated hip-hop music video! my immediate reaction was...
"yeeeeaah!!! that's what I'M talkin' 'bout! booYAH!"
fly ass hoochies shakin' their all natural tits and asses, rubbin' up on each other, suckin' clit and nip. seeming miles of shakin' dark chocolate to tempt, tittilate and tantalize. all that AND to some bomb ass tracks by snoop himself. aaaw yeah! i whipped my cock out and got ready.
the first scene involves MARC ANTHONY, an incredibly well hung (i'd guess around 9-10" and thick) and well built black man, in a one-on-one scene with OBSESSION, a gorgeous all natural opium-fine vixen...a bit thin for my tastes...but the booty is good and she can suck one mean dick. they're in what appears to be a waterfall like pool area at some big mansion (i only assume it's the DoGGy-DoGG mansion). the scene goes well. both fuckers seem to be into what their doing and overall have a great deal of showmanship. they're movements are nice and sexy, not over-the-top or too rough, but a nice blend. the video quality in this first scene is quite nice, and the shots themselves are well choreographed and framed, certain to get the right type of action at the right moment. there are no cuts, instead dissolves move the viewer from one angle to another and the hip-hop track in the background plays nicely with the action even though it gets a bit repetative. the voice dubbing is subtle, unobtrusive and well delivered. sad to say, however, the money shot was HORRIBLE. all that hot lovin' for what seems to be bad camera timing or editing when the money was to be had. one moment MARC ANTHONY is goin' to town with OBSESSION, sweat beading on his brow, he pulls out - sudden cut to his facial reaction - cut back to the last pathetic dribblet of cum dropping on to OBSESSION's tits. from the looks of it they only got that last part on film because OBSESSION is coated.
"what the HELL just happened?" i asked, my building orgasm subsiding pitifully.
cut to music video #2.
this film utilizes the videos as interstitials or segways from one porn scene to the next. cut into the video is some guy walkin' around talkin' about how crazy the party is and shit. whatever. like i give a fuck about what this retard has to say? i'm still pissed i didn't get to see MARC ANTHONY blow his creamy load all over OBSESSION's tits. oh well, hopefully the next scene will be better, and at least this video has some seriously hot ladies shakin' their thang...i hope i get to see them take an 11" cock soon!!
wrong.
the second scene stars CUBA, JACK NAPIER, and BRONZE. it sets itself up to be a hot MFM 3-way...
BRONZE, a good-looking, fake-boobed starlett starts the scene by suckin' on JACK NAPIER's incredibly sized member. i'd hazard a guess at it's size...around 12"...no less than 10"...it literally looked like someone grafted a horse's cock 'n' balls on this guy. it was ENORMOUS. while BRONZE is servicign JACK, CUBA does a lil box chowin'. BRONZE has a nice pussy overall, trimmed with a big clit and CUBA does a good job eating it. then somewhere along the way CUBA just vanishes??? what the??? did aliens abduct him? did he get up to find a condom and get lost in the massive house somewhere?? who knows...and no one ever will because he never returns. i'd imagine he went to find a condom, lit up a BLeeZy and then wandered off somewhere and forgot what was goin' on. the scene then continues for a good time with BRONZE being impaled on JACK's hugemongous cock. he's pulls out and i'm thinkin'...
"oh yeah, this is IT!! that big cock's gonna' spray her down with so much semen..." as i start pulling on my rod a bit faster. then...
A COMMERCIAL FOR SNOOP DOGG'S 900 HOT-CHICK-PHONE-PARTY LINE??!?!?!??!?!?!
*cock immediately goes limp*
"what in the FUCK!!" i shout at the television, stirring the sleeping JeLLy slightly.
then it's immediately on to video #3.
by now i'm pretty pissed about this no money shot deal and my balls are swollen and begging for release. but i'm not poppin' til i see some big black dig blast some hot mamma' in the face and that's all there is too it. so i sit through the third video.
the next scene is a girl on girl starring CHARLIE and INDIA. both incredibly gorgeous black women in their own right. CHARLIE has much lighter skin, and she lightened her hair and her boobs were either weirdly shaped or fake or both i couldn't quite make up my mind...so i just focused on her beautiful face and pretty tight lil pussy. her counterpart INDIA is a VERY dark-skinned woman and utterly natural and gorgeous. it was enjoyable to watch them both play and overall their performances were good. some dildo action, a lot of fingering, some 69 fun and all that jazz. again, no money shot.
i'll pretty much end there. the film slowly degrades in quality after that. i do have to give props to ANNA MALLE in the 4th scene because she actually squirts a bit near the end, as well as JADE MARCELA in the 5th scene who gets so sopping wet her pussy juice is dripping all over the place like a faucet. thankfully the end of the film has a lil redemption. otherwise i would have pulled it out of the DvD, balls swollen, and chucked it out the window.
in the 5th and final scene starring JADE MARCELA, KAIRE, and MISTER MARCUS in a semi-hot (only because of JADE's performance) FMF 3-way. MISTER MARCUS made up for the lack of money shots throughout the film with one helluva' gusher. blasting JADE in the face two or three times AND arcing it completely over her head!
needless to say, my expectations had still been dashed. it didn't quite live up to what it had originally presented, and i couldn't help but ask...
"why didn't they get some scenes with them DAMN FINE dancers in the videos? that would have been HAWT!"
my balls still swollen i thought about giving JeLLy a 2am surprise, but instead just rubbed it out real quick and went to bed. :-P
so despite the flash and dazzle in the beginning of the film it slowly degrades into sub-par porn crap by the 4th scene only to be saved just a tad by the 5th and final scene. the hot dancin' girls improved the rating just a bit overall, as did the squirters and big cocks. i definitely would have liked to have seen a more consistent quality throughout the film both in talent and in image (the film gets grainy and dark later - a contrast to the bright sparkly opening scene). not only that, but snoop's shameless plugs for his K-9 clothing company and his even more cock-limpifying-shameless plugs for his 900 number RIGHT DURING THE MONEY SHOT on TWO SCENES pretty much kept it at a level.
final rating: 7 out of 10
cumming next issue of WPR:
CHLOE'S BIG TIT CONQUESTS (an all girl lesbian flick)
stay tuned!
~B-)
2:05 p.m. - 2005-04-13
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