stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This Quiz got me thinkin'... goood HuMp DaY my loves!! figured i'd post a lil sumthin'-sumthin' here for your enjoyment... brought to you by mr. grey and Jenny Turpish Slapped Me: Quizzes. my results you ask? check 'em out... eXpressive: 7/10 You are magnetic, charming, and impossible to resist. You have no problem with approaching your target sex -- it just comes naturally to you, and the thrill of warming up a stranger is one of your great drives. Still, very few people really know you. You don't just *feel* misunderstood -- you are. You are probably nursing a heartache that you never let on. You're calm in a conflict (almost *too* calm -- a more emotional partner may wonder why you're not more engaged) and quick with affection. Fighting makes you uncomfortable, but as you avoid direct conflict your frustrations can manifest in the cold shoulder and passive-aggression, which is no better! Still, you make a loving, doting parent -- giving more love than discipline -- and your children prefer you. Like an XSYG, you put so much thought and effort in what you give to your partner that you feel dismissed and unappreciated if you don't get the same in return. You also give and think so much that you can also talk yourself into cheating -- physically or emotionally -- and this can lead a cycle of conflict, guilt, conflict-avoidance, chilly atmosphere and then more cheating. But you'll stay with your partner in the long run from guilt and a desire to please. You've got to open up! You express and give so much of yourself in other ways -- don't be afraid to express what's bothering you. ... interesting eh? i suppose i can see some truth to all that. in my last relationship i got tired of constantly living up to the expectations of my partner. i'm the type of person that completely adapts to my social environment; and oftentimes, when in a relationship, i assume whatever role the person i'm with defines for me...perfectly. because i don't like conflict, and i don't like to argue (i have a tendency to start yelling in an arguement, not on purpose, but mainly becuase my voice goes up a few decibals when i get excited) i tend to just push away and invalidate what i feel for the sake of keeping the peace. what happened in my last relationship was that i don't think i ever communicated my expectations to my partner. that i spent a lot of energy conforming myself to her (oftentimes rediculous and unnattainable) standards; but never really feeling like she was living up to my expectations and needs. so i just broke up with her one day. out of the blue. it came as a total surprise and shock, she felt like everything was perfect and couldn't believe for a good deal of time that it was happening. even after 3 years i think she still held a candle of sorts, hoping that i would return...and never really knowing the real reason WHY i ended it with her. i just...vanished... *poof* i have a tendancy to just walk away from things that i don't like or that i grow tired of. i don't express what i feel because i often feel that it is pointless. why say anything about a certain issue when you know that it isn't really going to change? i mean, you can't change people, they have to change on their own. so by making an issue out of something it really serves nothing because that's like forcing someone to do something they don't want to. instead, i figure i just shut up and adapt, transform...fit in. it always comes so easily to ME...but never really to anyone else. anyway, where was i going with this? oh yeah...the quiz just sort of reminded me of my past relationship and how it all turned out. i DID cheat on ali...several times. but after a while i felt that i should do something about the whole situation. i'm not a liar, and i'm not going to live a lie. that was my way of thinking at the time. in the end i think that i still have to work on allowing my emotions a bit of room. i tend to compartmentalize what i feel before it "gets out of control"...because in all honesty...i'm an incredibly, deeply passionate and feeling person - so much to my detriment (in the past at least) that i have learned to reign it in before it completely overwhelms me. when i'm sad i'm not just a little sad...i'm DEPRESSED. when i'm angry i'm not just a little angry...i'm RAGING. when i'm happy i'm not just content...i'm JOYOUS. i don't just feel a little bit of any certain emotion...i feel it in its entirety no matter how insignificant the source or circumstance is. thus, i usually cut my emotion off at the pass and put it in a box for me to examine. i then make a judgement as to the "level" of that emotion...it's strength, it's purpose, it's relevance. i objectify it. when that is done i have an easier time communicating it. i think that's what this diary is for. it allows me, in some cases, to just throw down what i feel off the top of my head so that i can examine it later. JeLLy is always saying i should learn to communicate with her OUTSIDE this place...or chat...or e-mail. face-to-face. but it's really hard for me to do. because when it's face-to-face i have no control over what i feel, and thus, what i say or do. in the grips of a negative emotions i tend to strike out in defense...a sort of twitch reaction. i've been in arguements in the past where i've been cornered. where the person raised their voice and just wouldn't let up or give me the opportunity to escape the situation. i ended up smashing something...either throwing an object across the room...or punching the wall...it was an intense VIOLENT reaction, and i DON'T like when i feel that way...because again, i have no control. in any other case, i have no control over what i SAY. when i'm upset and angry, i WILL say things that hurt...a lot. my tongue is incredibly sharp, and when needs be i can cut people to the quick with it. i'll hit you with the lowest blow in the world...and you may never forget it...or forgive it... i don't like doing that either. i like to keep it on a level. be diplomatic. take a step back and analyze the situation. in some cases this works. but i suppose in some cases it doesn't because i simply invalidate what i feel before i get a chance to express it...then later down the road i feel that i've done all the work, that i'm always at the other persons whim and that they never do anything for me when the real fact of the matter is they're OBLIVIOUS...because i've never said anything. again, that's what this diary is for i suppose. we all deal with our shit differently, we all come up with various ways of coping...some constructive and some not...but we're only human, right? it's a process. i just...hmmm...well...another time perhaps. that is enough for now. i hope everyone's hump day goes well! just remember it's all down hill from here!! weeeee! rock out with your cock out!! 9:50 a.m. - 2005-04-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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