stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- out of step it doesn't have to be so fatal. it's not like we'll be losing our jobs next month. i really wish i had some money...that i had some silver spoons pokin' out of my mouth. instead you'll have to deal with living in a shitbox, with a shit car, and a mediocre wedding. no trumpeting fanfares, no fireworks, no live band. i'm sorry. at one time our relationship...our love...wasn't represented by those things. it was something else. we didn't need those things. i feel like there was a time when everything was full of vigor and energy. when an evening didn't end at 8pm. when we could barely keep our hands off each other. i feel that i've taken second seat to a ceremony...a ceremony that is supposed to be about us...about our love. i really wish i could give it all to you. in my eyes you could be wearing nothing but paper bags and you'd still be a queen...MY queen...but i guess you don't see it that way. i try to remind myself this is just a process. that two months from now it'll all be over and the summer will begin and we can return our attentions to each other again, and not to invitations and gift registries and cakes and chair rentals and petty fights... i try to remind myself that two months from now the bills will be paid. that the dry spell will end and everything will be in proper order. i pray every day that what we had before all this will emerge again from the aftermath of all the hustle and bustle and we can enjoy it together. because right now i'm just out-of-step. the music grows to a feverish intensity and i can't keep up with the beat. so i stumble a bit and i feel awkward and inadequate, and it seems that every day something's got you down, and every day i'm powerless to do anything about it. and our needs are replaced by the needs of a THING. i try to remember what brought me to you, and i keep it close to me. because after all the pomp and circumstance, it will be all we have til the end of our days. i keep telling myself that we're building this together...brick by brick...and that one day, years from now...we can look at the life we've built and KNOW that it was of OUR making. that the sanctity of our hearts and our love was built with bricks fired from passion and earth, and mortared with the sweat of our labors together. so that it may stand all things. i haven't lost my faith. have you? ~B-) 5:12 p.m. - 2005-03-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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