stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Moving Beyond Boundaries...Real...Illusory...Here...There... goood morning my dearest loves! how is everyone doin' in the land, hmm? 'tis hump day and you all know what that means, right? it's time to get your hump on! :-P seriously, i hope that so far everyone's week has been going well, and that you're all recovering from the International Hot Monkey Fuck Day, whether it was good or bad. ne'er you fear dear cyberfriends, the week is nearly at an end. today i thought was going to be all cloudy and gloomalicious; but thankfully i was wrong, as the sun is now out and shining and the day is relatively warm. things here at work have been rather wacky. over the past couple months the client has changed their minds on a myriad of things leading to massive cut-backs in all areas of the game. we adapted accordingly and continued along according to the new changes that had been set out by the client. it always sucks when you do a ton of work on something only to find out that what you were working on is getting the cut and all your time was utterly and irrevocably wasted. THEN, it happens again! the client then decides to scale back on the project more which at this point in the game is pretty much scrapping the original idea and starting over with a new one! stupid fucking cunts! *sigh* soooo, for the past couple days things have been in a holding pattern until we find out what the hell the clients want to do. a lot of fenagling, money talk, re-scheduling, etc. and at last today we know. needless to say my role in the whole thing is over and done. which on one hand is good because i was getting pretty sick of it, but on the other hand sucks ass because i put a lot of time and love into it. not so much as to be totally crushed and heartbroken mind you, but enough to find it annoying. so that's the work front. i'll be moving on to other projects and such so the job security is all the good; AND my one year review is coming the first of march! we'll see if my employers step up to the plate with a bit of a raise. that would be nice. but i expect nothing really. my salary now is nice and it pays the bills well, so no extra money won't hurt all that much; but extra money is always welcome! bills, bills, bills! that's the other thing that seems to have come to the forefront of my life. it seems that lately i've been turning and facing all sorts of financial obligations that i've been dodging for the past few years. though it's a pain in the ass, and it certainly cuts into the profit margin, it actually feels really good to finally be able to DO something about it all. it's like the light is getting closer, i don't feel so much that i'm clawing my way out anymore, but rather actually walking and making steps towards it. it's a good feeling overall, and i hope to keep it up! if i have to refrain from buying LEGO for a while or going out to eat then i think that in the long term the benefits are definitely there. in three years all debts are settled, i didn't have to file bankruptcy, and i haven't accrued any more credit for the past 4 years. thus, the slate (though a bit worn and scratched up) will be clean and i can once again resume with building myself some equity...maybe get a house...new car...something along those lines. it's a good feeling i must admit. so that's about all really. i was wondering...how many of you have given your diary link to someone you know in real life? friend? family? lover? what do you all think about that? for me this diary is VERY private. not in the sense that anonymous readers from across the digital void can't view it and read it, but in the sense that no one TANGIBLE in my life knows nor reads it save for my JeLLy. in some ways it is this set up that allows me to be completely open here in this space. JeLLy is the only person in my life who reads this and if i can't tell her to her face what i write here than what the hell i say? but what about others? i'm pretty open here, i speak freely, and i don't do much to really mask or hide my identity. i've given a lot of my real life information here so to all intents and purposes a stalwart bloodhound could conceivably sniff me out and find me in the real world outside this digitial space. some would be freaked out or paranoid about it. what if some psycho comes to find me? what if someone i know finds it and shows it to others or gets mad at things i wrote? those sorts of things. i don't really worry about it for some reason. am i being too relaxed? i don't think i'd mind if someone i knew found this site and read it and then forwarded it to everyone else i know...i mean...i am who i am. here. there. inside. outside. so someone discovers the raw and uncensored me, maybe they don't like it, maybe they think i'm pure evil, maybe they talk all sorts of shit behind my back...but in the end that's their deal not mine. i'm happy and contented with what i am and what i've become i have no qualms with being honest about it. most of the time it just boils down to asking me the right questions. my good friends and people i love already know some of these things if not all of these things and i figure if anyone else finds out then they're the ones who have to deal with it because...well...i'm at peace. anyway, just wondering what everyone else thinks. it's strange that we share so much of ourselves here, never really knowing who is on the other side of the void...through the miles of cable...through the monitor...through the looking glass...yet i can imagine that in our lives outside this place we appear as something...mmm, not different per se...but...watered down or diluted. that if i were to run into lifeasme66 on the street i may not recognize her right away, or vice versa...would we just jump into convo like old friends or would we dance around each other...testing...gauging? or if i met chickpea981 or pretty-pussy or phangasm or pipersplace or < a href="http://mrgrey.diaryland.com/index.html">mrgrey...we read each other, we've peered into each others minds and experiences...yet...what if we were standing, face to face, no void or monitor or distance seperating us save for a breath and the walls of our own hearts and minds...would it be easier? would it be the same? would we have anything to talk about or would we just stare blankly and awkwardly at each other sort of shuffling our feet and mumbling? what prevents us from being what we are here...thinking the way we do here...in actuality? in the world around and to the people around us? maybe it's a matter of too much proximity? maybe the closeness is uncomfortable in person? threatening even? to have someone know so much about you and not even have really seen them or physically formed words on your tongue to speak to them... interesting and worth a certain amount of thought. but if you all wrote in and sent me your phone numbers i would call you all and say hello. for serious! why keep it here? food for thought. anyway, i guess what started this little ponderance is that the other day i gave links to pages in my diary to people here in the real world with me. i didn't really specify that it was my diary per se, but if they took the time to read deeper into it...to click on the profile page, to read the about link, to dive into the older entries and rings and such things...well...they would know a great deal about who i am...more in many respects than i probably would have offered up in reality. but again, what the fuck? why not? the information here cannot be used against me really because THIS IS ME. i cannot hide it, i cannot...WILL NOT deny it. i stopped lying to myself a long time ago and something that sort of comes with that is that you stop lying to others... *shrugs* it fascinates me to say the least. well, my dears, i best get back to work. until next time... i'm reading you 11:23 a.m. - 2005-02-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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