stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- open letter...

would it make you feel better, dear child, if i told you that i love you? even though i've never seen you, even though i feel not the want and the pain of your heart, would my love still count? if i told you that i believe in you, would it help to ease the sickness that gnaws at the belly of your soul?

i have stared, eyes-wide-open, into the yawning abysses of the human soul. i have looked, blinded, to the brilliant heights of human compassion. i cannot tell you my love that you are any different than anyone else.

does this scare you? that you are just like everyone else? does it terrify you to know that your pain is not wholly singular? is that why you cling to it so?

we all are suffering child, we all are growing old. we all lose those we love, or worse, watch those we love kill themselves.

i'm watching you.

but i cannot heal you love. i cannot free you from the chains of a bondage that is wholly your own minds making. i cannot garauntee to you that tomorrow will be sunshine and all the world is a pretty and safe place.

i would be lying, and i am not a liar.

it is true that chaos surrounds us. it is true, that there is cruelty and misfortune. and it is true that everything is fleeting.

but i must remind you my sweet love, that there is much more than that alone. for it is also true that chaos defines order. it is also true that cruelty defines compassion and misfortune defines luck. it is true that as the day fades before the night, so too must the night fade before the dawn.

i cannot save you child. NO ONE can save you. no one can make you disappear, no one can take away your pain...

except yourself.

it is a tragedy indeed. for this is something you cannot see.

you cannot see your own value. you cannot see how much the world will change without you. you cannot see how much you are loved.

you are blind to all the good things around you.

perhaps it is because in all your short years all you have seen is the worst of people? perhaps those who have raised you have not shown you how to become better because they themselves are not strong?

you cut, you bleed, you starve, you fade. is this truly the fate you deserve? is this truly the story you want me to tell? when you are gone, and you have succumbed, and finally vanish from the face of the earth, from me...what story am i to tell of you? what memory will you reside in?

shall i tell a story of a beautiful young girl, beset by misfortune, her own worst enemy who found herself, her salvation, and became something greater because of it? a story of love lost and won, of good times and bad, of triumph? will the ending be happy? will she live happily ever after? will she have positively touched all those she met? will there be a great many people to mark her gravestone and tell this tale?

or shall the story be of suffering and pain. of a girl who despite having all the promise and potential in the world became a wraith, a shadow? an insubstantial ghost of a substance...just a dried leaf blown by the winds of misfortune to an inescapable and anonymous end like so many others? just another quiet headstone hidden amongst all the others adorned with just one flower.

i would like it to be the former. but no matter, i will always see through you. i will always know who and what you are.

a scared child. afraid to become a woman. afraid of the world. afraid that everyone's out to get you, afraid that death is always near you, afraid to leave your house, afraid to love, to live, to be. so afraid of life you wish you were nothing.

but i love you. i believe in you. no matter what you think you are, i believe you are better. no matter how much you hate yourself, i love you more. i will keep you until the rage is gone. i will watch you until you fade or shine. i will listen until you have no voice. i will speak your name when you are gone and remember your life.

isn't that what matters in the end? that someone was there? that someone remembers? that the legacy you leave is not built upon stones of regret, pain, remorse, guilt, hatred, or loss; but instead, it is fashioned of joy despite the sorrow, good intent despite misfortune and error, and friendship despite the emnity?

i put my hand out to you my sweet child, to grasp when you cannot stand. it is all i can offer you. it is your choice to take it, whether you do or you don't, i will still hold you in my heart...and i will always remember the beauty of your life, even as you fall...


4:16 p.m. - 2004-11-03


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