stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary

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...Beyond the Threshold...

today it seems that many of us are feeling a deep sense of loss.

ms. chickpea is faced with a difficult decision for a dear friend of hers. give her your love.

mr. hamiltonian has also recently lost a dear friend.

my heart is with all of those who are sharing in this experience. it is difficult indeed.

however, i must share with you all something that i feel may bring a certain amount of peace to your heavy spirits. it is something that changed my life forever...

when i was a child, i felt the shadow standing beside me, and for a brief moment, looked beyond the threshold of death.

i was 11 years old and was cross-country skiing with my aunt, uncle and cousins in the rocky mountains. it was december. on our way back to the campground my cousin shea fell into a bush. it was a huge production pulling him out, and i became bored with standing around waiting while he screamed and kicked. i decided that i would be able to make it back to the campground on my own and was certain that i knew the way back no problem. so mustering up my resolve, i left my family behind me...

there was a definite point where i knew that i was lost...and retracing my path in my mind...i knew exactly what turn i took that sent me down the quiet, snowy stretches. twilight was falling, and fine powdery snow accompanied the waning light. i remember screaming for my aunt, my uncle, my cousins...and after a pace...my mother and father, god, anyone...

for a pace i had been following a dirt road through the woods, and had figured that it would eventually lead me to civilization. the skis on my feet were heavy and my body was cold and weary. i resolved then to take off my skis and travel by foot, figuring that i would make better time. fudging with the latch on the skis i lost my balance and went tumbling off the side of the road into a small creek.

by the time i had gathered myself and clawed my way back to the road i was soaked to the bone in ice-cold water.

it was at this point i decided to throw my skis and ski poles into the middle of the road and sit beside a large pine beside the road. i remembered that in my survival classes they used to say, "if you are lost, the best thing to do is hug a tree". the idea being that if you're wandering, the more you wander the more lost you become, and it is easier for search parties to find you when you stay put than if you continue trekking through the vast mountain wilderness.

so there i sat for an indeterminable amount of time...waiting...resigned...

i distinctly remember not feeling my body after a while. the freezing-burning sensation in my fingers, toes, ears and extremeties had subsided. replaced with a soft, tender, warm throbbing. my shivering had ceased altogether and i merely sat contemplating. by this time my screaming had left me hoarse and my voice was but a whisper. i cried, but then i was filled with warmth and all i wanted to do was drift off to sleep.

it was at this time that i felt it. standing beside me. a presence of some sort. at first i thought that someone had come to rescue me, and i called out in soft delerium. i realized that there was no one there, but yet i could not shake the sensation that something was very near to me. my mind wandered, memories like soft dreams fluttered behind my closed eyes and i was filled with a deep sense of awe and mystery...peace and comfort. the fear i had felt melted away and i realized that i was dying. this revelation seemed more of a simple afterthought, and i looked at it in an almost detached perspective outside myself. i still felt the presence, it was like a gentle hand upon my shoulder...and as i began to slip away i could see a void of pure whiteness. it did not burn my eyes or hurt my brain, it was soft and welcoming. thoughts of my mother, my father, my sister floated lazily through the ether. i saw soft shadows dancing and it was as though i was being picked up and carried away...

i awoke to a searing hot sensation upon my flesh. i was nude, wrapped in blankets next to the nude forms of two people who i don't really recall. fire was burning down my throat...i realized they were feeding me warm cherry jello from a thermos. i had been found!

it seems that at some point, a man in a small black pick-up truck had found me on the roadside. from my incoherent mumbling he deduced that i had wandered from the nearby campground. it didn't take him long to bring me back to the arms of my family, for they had been searching the woods for many hours. and when he arrived in camp, a small frozen child in his arms, he was immediately directed to my aunt and uncle.

rushing through the mountain passes we arrived at a small hospital. the doctor said that i had hypothermia and was amazed that i was still alive.

"you're a very lucky boy, young man. it was smart of you to sit by the road and stay put."

i also had pretty bad frostbite on my ears and nose, but nothing too scarring. they attributed it to the wrapping of my scarf around my head and the fact that i had retreated my arms into my jacket next to my body.

my aunt and uncle called my mother and told her the story. they were all much relieved to have found me. afterwards, we returned to our hometown. i was starving. we stopped at a small restaraunt and ate pizza.

it was the best pizza i have ever eaten.

the point, my friends, is that i have seen death itself and felt its embrace.

and though "death be not proud" it certainly is not painful in any way. in the arms of the shadow lies a blissful, bittersweet reverie...a soft relenquishing of the material world, and a tender resignment.

i can tell you too that beyond the threshold are worlds and vistas far more beautiful than you can possibly imagine, and upon crossing past that doorway into eternal sleep, your spirit soars across the stars unbidden and unhindered to new realms of light and energy.

it is this experience that has left me without fear of death in whatever form it chooses to take. for i know that at some point, the shadow puts its hand upon your shoulders and takes away all the pain. it lifts you up and carries you, free from the bounds of the flesh, to another place and another time.

so be at peace with it my loves. for it is all part of the great design, and like all things has its purpose. as i have said before, even the stars doth fade, but in their final exhalation, new life and energy is released and the cycle begins anew.

for ever and ever amen.

my heart is with you all, wherever you are. my you find your peace and contentment. i love you.

my heart is full.

~B-)

11:01 a.m. - 2004-08-27

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