stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary


...Expecting the Worst, Hoping for the Best...

hello all my dear cyber-citizens. i hope you're having a great friday! your dear narrator is still a bit under the weather, but is on the mend. i'm just pushing out all the phlegm and snot now...gotta' love congestion. ;-P

outside that, there's a little something i have to get off my chest. a worry, inscribed to the digital voids...

relationships, as we all well know, have their share of ups and downs...trials and tribulations...these are but merely litmus tests in the end. ways of solidifying and/or dissolving the bonds that develope between two people. in the end, we must know that love conquers all, and that in the face of that truth, all things can be forgiven and forgotten.

my darling JeLLy dropped quite a bomb on me this morning. i called her from the bus stop this morning at around 8:46am after seeing that had missed a call from her a mere minute or two before.

she seemed upset.

i asked her what was wrong, to which she replied...

"i have to talk to you tonight."

now, every man and woman knows quite well the death knoll of this statement. my heart seized.

"what's the matter? are you angry at me? was it something i did?" i asked nervously.

"i really can't talk right now, there are people around. it''s something i'd rather speak to you about in person." she replied, i could hear her tears as the statement caught subtly in her throat.

"why? what? what happened?" the dread began to set in.

"i...i just...well, i did something stupid; but i just want you to know, that i love you." was her only response.

"okay...i love you to hun." i said, the novacain of my soul beginning to take hold.

"i better go. i love you, i'll talk to you more later." she said quickly.

"all right sweets...have a good day. i'll talk to you later." i said.

that was the end of the convo, but my mind had already started to racing. what happened? what was wrong? what is it that she has to talk to me about?

immediately my brain began to click off a myriad of my minds eye, i see myself at home with her, it's early, around 6:30pm...she puts her bags down, looks me in the eye and says...


"honey, i've been unfaithful. there's this guy...and...well...i've caught HIV (or some other irreversable STD)."


"honey, i've been unfaithful...i'm pregnant...and i'm not sure if the baby is yours...or his..."


"honey, i'm pregnant."


"i have a gambling problem...i owe millions of dollars to a bookie...he's found me and it could mean my life."


"i've been embezzling money from the company i work for, the heat is on, and sooner or later they'll find out...i may have to go to jail..."


"i've been living a lie...i've been married before, and i have a child from that relationship..."


"i threw away all your drawings."


there are a million different things that could mind is buzzing with terrifying possibility. i hate it. couldn't she have just waited until this evening? now it's going to consume me ALL fucking DAY.

that being the case. when i got to work i called her again...

"listen sweetheart. you can't drop a bomb on me like that and then just expect me to go through my day like everything is hunky-dorey. it's going to stress me out until i get home tonight and you tell me. so, instead of killing myself with all the possible reasons for this "talk" i want you to call me on your lunch break and at least clue me in to what i should be expecting. this will allow me time to think about it...mull it over...if it's as bad as you make it that we can have a calm and objective discussion this evening when we get home. can you do that for me?"

"yes, i'll call you on my lunch break." she replied sheepishly.

"thanks sweets. i'll talk to you then...i love you." i said, and hung up.

so my dear friends...what could it be? hmmm? i find my mind reels out all the worst possible scenarios; but a part of me hopes that it's something"i overcharged our account." or something like that.

i suppose i am soon to find out. her lunch break is in an hour...

that being said, i would like to say for the record, that no matter what the case may be...i feel that my love for her is boundless, and that i will find myself forgiving her even in the worst possible scenario.

i wouldn't pledge my life to someone that i couldn't forgive of the most heinous crimes.

she is my friend, my companion, my love.

if this is to be the test of that, then i shall rise above it, and we will carry on despite whatever may have happened or will happen...

so here's hoping my loves. until then...

my heart is full.


10:38 a.m. - 2004-06-25


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