stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ***RUNNING SYSTYEM DIAGNOSTICS*** HoooooOOOOoooooooWL!!! *snarl!* i'd kill for a steak right now! for god's sake, SOMEONE give me some red meat!! aah!! i don't know if i can take it anymore...the cat is starting to look mighty tasty... gah, another one of those nights fellow cyber-citizens. i ALMOST fell asleep, i was watching Witch Hunter: Robin, a new anime i ordered from netflix, and i was beginning to doze slightly at the end of the fifth episode. G was already asleep on the couch, and JUST as i was starting to slip away she got up and went into the bedroom. feeling drowsy as well, i took that as my cue to follow her into dreamland. alas! dr. insomnia nabbed me between the livingroom and the bed. foul blackheart! i tossed and turned, and turned and tossed, and i finally just got up and went back out into the living room again. anyone have a hamburger? double? bacon? mmmmmmm....gaaaaaah...*drool* i'm fiending something fierce for red meat right now. what the hell is wrong with me? am i pregnant or something? wTf? my craving is so strong that i can't even sleep... i've been riding my bike to work and back every day, probably a good 4-5 mile ride one way (and thus a total of 8-10 miles total)...maybe more. i think this abundance of activity has kicked my metabolism up to its state circa 1994-99 (i.e. - when i was 18-20). thus, this whole carbs thing just ISN'T CUTTING IT ANYMORE. i burn through them like nothing. i need protein...dense...bloody...delicious...grrr...mmm...proooooteeeein... i swear, G made pasta tonight when i got home, it was delicious don't get me wrong; but i was hungry like 15 minutes after i ate it. it had chicken in it, which is meat, but forget about that...i'm talkin' RED, RED meat. i've got steaks jumpin' around in my head. so enough of meat, that's not really ALL that's jumpin' around in my head. the other thing is i'm really astonished at the lack of updating going on around here. *motions to the screen* i figured with DsL AT HOME, i'd be writing shit every day. what the hell's up, huh? fuckin' slacker! 21 days since my last entry! that's just not acceptable, and to you, the dear reader, i apologize. *looks around* ... *sound of crickets* ... okay, maybe there aren't THAT many people RUSHING to their monitors every day to see what great, witty, and fresh new material i've put up but still... HEY! i didn't say i was any Mark Driver by any means, sheesh. cut me some slack. the guys a genius okay? he really did change my life you know...oh yeah...i was going to write about that a while ago... how mark driver changed my life. hm, that's right... well, i'll tell you about that later anyway...now's just not the time. i suggest reading his material...and rumblelizard...she's funny too... *lights up a cig* nicotine...it seems to quell the ravenous, carnivorous urges within me... i wonder if i'm turning into a werewolf? naw! i just saw matrix revolutions for the first time. not as bad as everyone made it out to be. though i must admit, i had the LOWEST of the low of the LOWEST of expectations. thus, i actually enjoyed myself... but i also didn't pay 10 bucks to see it in the theatre. HAH! overall, i feel that it wrapped up the series adequately enough. maybe it didn't quite tie up ALL the threads nice and neat, but in some ways i think that was sort of the point. like...the universe doesn't work that way people, and all in all, that's what this whole trilogy was about. life, existence, the universe and steak...oh wait...maybe not steak...though that sounds pretty good right now... FINAL RATING: 7.6 out of 10 *ahem* so i think i'm just about done with this whole swinging thing. *gasp!* "what's this?!?" you say. well, i'm just tired of constantly screening the e-mails, constantly setting up times to meet people...it always falls on me, and in all honesty, i'm done. all the work, and i just don't feel like my tastes fit G's bill. we're on opposite ends of the world. last weekend she said something strange...a friend of ours was asking us what we liked about it all... "i just like being spoiled. i like it when people buy me drinks and food, and take me out. i don't care about the sex or anything..." she said. what? i was sort of floored by this statement. at the time i sort of let it slip by, but the more i thought about it, the more it sort of bugged me. i mean, what the hell does that mean? did she mean that she likes the attention and the flirting/dating aspect of it? or is she just in it simply to take advantage of people's generousity? if that's the case...well...i don't know if that's really all that well and good. swinging, in the end, is about JUST THAT...swinging...sex...fuckin' i don't know. i just sometimes feel like she's doin' it just to appease me or something. okay, put it this way...would she EVER have looked into this lifestyle if i hadn't come into the picture? hmmm? was her experience with another female a one time curiousity thing that without me as part of the equation would have faded into memory? i keep asking her to be more proactive. to visit the sites, to update our profile, to answer e-mails, to shop around and look at other profiles. but she seems so dodgey on it. when i get on and am like... "hey, check out this e-mail we got today" there's a certain lack of...well...enthusiasm. like it's a chore, or like it's the LAST thing she really wants to do. then i'm like... "oh, and here, look at them!" and she just sort of blows by it and then wants to do something else. i dunno, maybe it's in my head. this whole way of living isn't for everyone that's for sure and there was a time about a year ago when she said she didn't want to do it anymore, that it wasn't her thing. so i guess maybe that still haunts me a bit. i just don't want to be one of those husbands that pressures their spouse into the whole thing, only to have it blow up in my face ya know? i'm not THAT guy. i keep at it because i thought there was a genuine interest and curiousity as well as a certain level of adventurousness and excitement. but if she's not there then...well... then that's just not cool. though i must say that over the past few months her behavior has been somewhat out of the norm. i think that her work is making her miserable. this is only causing her stress and overall dissatisfaction with the state of her life in general. i don't doubt her feelings for me, in fact, i think that in some ways i'm the only thing that keeps her going sometimes; but this is also frightening to me. i don't want her to become dependant upon me as the SOLE source of her happiness and well-being. this is unhealthy. she works all day, comes home, eats, and usually falls asleep by 9pm. i'm not sure if that's good or not. i mean, there was a high level of energy i remember her having and i wonder if somehow i've diluted it or something? all of this only leads to the beginnings of a vicious cycle. she complains that she's gained weight, that she's fat, blah blah blah...but then she eats and then sleeps. this isn't going to help the matter, but at the same time, work makes her so exhausted mentally and physically, that by the time she gets home that's all she wants or has energy to do i think. but as you can see, this pattern can only fold back on itself. work, stress, eat, sleep, weight. work, stress, eat, sleep, weight. ad infinitum. if anything, throw in a good couple of hours of really racous sex in there...i promise i can work it out...500-750 calories...i mean every little bit helps right? RIGHT? ;-P i think it's a common loop that people can fall into. she started running and exercising near the end of february, but then while running she hurt her ankle and had to stop. when that happens it can be easy to slip back into previous behavior as well. i try to think of things that i can do to help her feel more activated. i think she's considering going back to school, a step i'm in great favor of. she's also trying really hard to find another job that's more to her liking, i'm behind her 100%. she wants to start running again and doing exercises (our friend brought over his pilates book for her to read), again i'm all about goin' for it. there's just one catch. she wants someone to do it with. partly because, if she runs, then it's safer as a woman to run with a partner. i don't have running shoes. when she first started i tried to run with her using the pair of vans sneakers i have, but let me tell you...oh...the pain! vans ARE NOT made for running. there is absolutely NO cushion or support for the heavy impact that running brings upon your ankle and knee joints. needless to say, there was a point where i just couldn't even walk because my knees and ankles hurt so much. i think the other reason too is that having someone to run or workout with gives you that extra "oomph" you need to push yourself beyond your max threshold. overall though, there was a couple weeks when she ran by herself and ended up doing like two times the number of rounds that she had done when i was running with her. what was the point i was getting at? oh yeah... i think it's actually better for her to do this on her own. there are just some things that one needs to reserve for oneself...you know...ME TIME kind of stuff. i don't know if she gets any of that? i worry sometimes that her prolonged exposure to me drowns out her own wonderfully fierce and independant nature. "me time" allows you moments of reflection to yourself, time to contemplate your day and run system diagnostics checks (like the one i'm running right now), and the opportunity to evaluate and assess all the data you've aquired during the day. hobbies are good for this too. whether it be crafts or art or writing. these are like little moments of zen. very important to stay healthy in the big city i think. she loves to write, but rarely do i see her doing so. she has a sketchbook, but she hasn't touched it much in the past year. i think that sometimes she equates herself to me a bit too much. i worry that she doesn't pursue these hobbies as much because she constantly compares her skill with mine or something. again, am i drowning her out? moreover, she desires to be the center of attention. am i giving her enough? am i allowing her her time in the spotlight? or am i taking it away? does my proximity drain her light and energy? is she trying to be something for me that she is not? is she so intent on not ending up like her mother that she's racing blindly to some "normalized" destination with me? is her...mmm...i think discomfort might best describe her energy...a symptom of this unseen progression? or is it merely the buddings of a new and profound personal growth and change within her? i know who i am. i'm pretty certain that she is aware and in love with who i am. but can she REALLY live with it? is this process her adaptation? what about me? what adaptations have i made? am i giving enough? am i nurturing without being over-bearing? strong without being domineering? gentle without being wishy-washy? i only ask because i love her so greatly, so vastly, that i want our life together to go on and on and on. i don't want this to fail. i don't want to fail her. i want to look back 60 years from now WITH her at all of our truimphs, our love and our growth together. i want our desire to continually renew itself in the light of our love. i DON'T want it to fall on its face in 3 years...5...8...10... i DON'T want to join the ranks of all the other bitter divorcees out there who bemoan and regret their lost love and broken dreams. pheh...i think too much sometimes. *sigh* and i all i wanted was a steak. *looks in cigarette carton* hmmm...only one left. do i smoke it now, or save it for tomorrow morning? heheh, i'm such an impulsive bastard sometimes... *lights cig* THINGS I NEED TO WORK ON (or THINGS I'D LIKE TO ACHIEVE IN THE NEXT TWO YEARS): 1) - pay debt to Washington Mutual and reinstate my checking/savings account ($700) 2) - pay all outstanding debts (2 credit cards, a loan, a defaulted bally's fitness membership from 1999) 3) - get current on all student loans 4) - pay off all vehicular fines ($1200, $1400, and approx. $500 in various parking fines) 5) - purchase a moderately priced, used, economy car THINGS I'D LIKE TO DO IN THE NEXT 3-6 MONTHS: 1) - paint the living room and kitchen 2) - buy a new computer 3) - buy a new matress CHARACTER FLAWS THAT COULD USE SOME FIXING: 1) - avoiding obligations in favor of instant gratifications 2) - learn to be a bit more tidy 3) - definitely could stop the whole smoking thing...mmm...grrr ... HOLY! look at the time! 1:50am. wow...i didn't mean to put ya'll through such laborious self-...fuck...what's the word? man, feeling tired...sleep...coming...brain...failing...winding...down... self- self- self- self-EVALUATION! or something like that...still doesn't sound quite right. aaaaaanyway, be good out there you sleeping cyber-kids...all snuggled in your beds...visions of sugar plums and such. tomorrow i get paid and one of the above mentioned debts will be gone forever. not only that...but i will...mark my words...I WILL eat a big, juicy filet mignon...aaah, won't that be heavenly? hm? until next time my loves... licksucklicksuckfuck ~B-) 12:29 a.m. - 2004-04-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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