stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ...he's a NYMPHO-maniac... why am i so hungry? i'm not talkin' for food either... my inner nymphomaniac is emerging...i want it hot and i want it now. in some ways i miss the single days, when i could just pick someone and go off for a fuck-fiesta and not have to worry about calling them back or any other obligations. i liked the anonymity of the situation...no chit-chat or small-talk...just fucking. there is a certain danger-factor that is also rather enticing...the thrill of doing something "naughty"...the rush of meeting a stranger... i keep wondering why i get these urges sometimes. what in my psychology triggers it? what aspect of my subconscious needs this and why? in most cases it is easily suppressed and i just go about my day-to-day without any problems...but...after a while it becomes a craving and a hunger that is almost bigger than me...it impells me...pushes me...claws at my insides... Baalgorgon awakens... ...that darker side of my self. when i was with ali and the hunger began it was as though i put myself in some sort of post-hypnotic state. utterly detached from my conscious, dreamlike, i would walk out into the night in search of... ...a thick cock to ride or stuff in my mouth... ...a wet pussy to press my face into, finger and fuck... what is it? i keep asking...what is it this impulsion...this intense and dark desire? is it because i'm not satisfied? mmm...not really...though it is becoming apparent that the honeymoon is nearing its end. the usual bedroom romp-fests are waning...4 times a week...3...2...1... 4 hours at a stretch...3...2...1... i feel that sometimes g isn't so much into me as she was. you know, the familiar same-ol-same-ol...easy to sort of let slip when you get comfy... it's always there, right? it can wait, right? i've gotten pretty fat really...i hardly fit into any of my jeans without putting up quite a struggle to get my big ass in them. maybe it's become a turn-off for her or something. maybe i'm just uninteresting or unexciting? the same old hat, the same song-and-dance? maybe she's just stressed? who knows? i'm just voracious for whatever reason or another...i need to feel desired...no, no...i need more than that... i need to feel worshipped as a sex god...not just by one...but by many... lol i know, i know...it's silly. but back in the days of anonymous sex and one-night-stands there was a great feeling of power and control. being capable of bringing a partner to orgasm after orgasm, woman OR man, is quite the ego booster. not only that but there was a great amount of variety to it all AND when one was out or away you just bring in the other...you know...like crop rotations. aHA! know we ALL know that i'm a complete nymphomaniac...only a nympho would say something like that, right? so...do i seek help? you know...go and see a shrink for it? check my head...dig deep into my memory and psyche and unearth the deeper reason for this...mmm...compulsive behavior? is it compulsive? is it unhealthy? i wouldn't say it's driving me to any dangerous or unhealthy behavior...it USED to...but even then...well, obviously i'm still quite alive and well, and moreover...healthy... i've never been to a therapist...perhaps it's a good idea? my relationship with g is very important to me and UNLIKE ali, i DON'T want to let that "darker" side come out...i DON'T want to let it push me out into the night...hungry...wanton... i don't think g feels this way...she doesn't get these weird sort of desires that just well up from somewhere in the limbic system...the "lizard brain"... maybe it's just a male thing? motivated by surges of testosterone i feel more aggressive...more sexualized? a few nights ago we had quite a good romp...i was a bit inebriated so it took me a while to finish off, but once done i was down for the count. then last night, we get a little touchy-feely...she played a little with my bum (which seriously gets me hot), kissing, i fondled her breasts, ran my hands down her stomach...then... "i'm laying down now." um...ok... so there i was all fired up, hormones raging, and she's ready to turn in. i swear...sometimes i think i'm having an affair WITH MY HAND... but better my hand than anything else i suppose. thankfully, 30 is fast approaching (just 3 more years) and by that time my hormones will start to decline, i'll be more mellow, probably find my "favorite chair" and just enjoy a good game of football, or a movie, or just a videogame rather than a romp in the hay. the sad irony is that g will be surging with hormones by that time and will probably be humping at my leg for attention. heh...life sure is funny that way... *shrugs* i think that once all this moving stuff is sorted out, and my apartment is all clean with new carpets and stuff we'll reconnect and be feeling a bit more frisky and stuff...at least i hope... before i actually DO find my "comfy chair" and am no longer part of the "horny male population". lol i'm only partially joking. the truth is that the more closer and comfortable i get with someone the more ravenously horny i get for them and more kinky/freaky/wild i want to be. does that make any sort of sense? fuck man, i'm a giant connundrum... i think i DO need therapy...god help me... ~B-)
12:28 p.m. - 2003-09-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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