stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ...My Own Space...War of the Sexes...and some other crap... 21 days... 21 hours... seems fairly appropriate...and much of a number coincidence. anyway, i'm at work as usual. checkin' out my favorite diaries that have been recently updated. as per usual though as i sit down to write my diary i draw a total blank. i should probably start writing in an actual journal and then transcribing what i write in that to this. hmmm?... anyway...i think what i was going to talk about was "THE NOT-SO-ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLES"...but perhaps i'll wait. this weekend is g's super-mega-crazy poolside 25th b-day celebratione and there will probably be a whole slew of peeps showin' up. if anyone stays after 9pm then the pool will become a "clothing restricted area"! >;-) in other words...if peeps are gonna' take a dip, they're takin' it in the buff! :-P it should be hellah fun. the beach bon fire g and i threw was phenomenal and got rave reviews from all who attended. it seems that when she and i whip up a suare we really make it count! outside that things are all right. i can't tell you how much i really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY, really, REALLY, REALLY, REEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAALLLLy miss having a car. i feel like a caged animal, like i can't get up and go do whatever i want. i feel like i'm constantly relying on g and her vehicle to the point where it's like i'm locked into her schedule like some domesticated animal. blech! it's almost like a privilege to go home...the MY OWN house. whenever i say i want to go she gets all mopey and pouty. i don't know if she even realizes it, but it's hard as hell to resist. so i put it off, and put it off, all the while a building resentment grows within me. like she's purposefully confining me or something. which is probably totally my own head trip. ali was a controlling nag who devoured my friends and locked me in a box so if i'm a bit scarred and apprehensive about it happening again forgive me. it's just that not having a solid and independant means of transport really cramps my style and makes me feel like some caged bird...i can't work on my computer...i can't play on my playstation, i can't just sit around MY OWN SPACE, as shitty and messy and hellish as it is, it is STILL MY OWN. therein lies the point of contention. i know that g is really wanting this whole "move in together" thing. it's just that i'm so DONE with it. on one hand i think it would be great because we're like two peas in a pod, but then on the other hand i'm terrified of giving up MY OWN SPACE. i swear to god, even if i was married i'd probably still rent an apartment so that i could just go there. i guess i'm the type of person who likes just having my own quiet-time...and the more i DON'T get it...the more ansy and aggrevated i get. i start bottoming out on energy levels...i get antisocial and angry. you see...for me...the problem with sharing a close proximity with someone is that i feel like i start to lose my identitiy...like i adapt so completely to them that i forget what i need and that they then just walk all over me and it's demands, demands, demands...get me this...do that...nag, nag, nag, nag... but i'd imagine that this is what is natural right? sharing a space means delegation of chores and sharing of duties so if one side is slacking and the other side is picking up said slack then that leads to resentment and an increased usage of the statements... "you never..." and "i always..." then there's the emotional/physical ransoming...withholding...score-keeping...and on and on... these are things i want to avoid. they kill a relationship dead. but i can't help but fear that they are inevitable to any given relationship between a man and a woman...perhaps i am jaded...but in the least it's obvious that i am just not ready for this whole "moving in thing" for several reasons... A) - i hate to clean i just don't see the point. it's so futile, you do it once, you have to do it again and again and again...i'd rather just have my mess and not have to bother anyone else with it. B) - i need money. i'm so in debt that to move in with someone would curse the poor sod to be swallowed up by the black hole of my own financial ruin. C) - i have no car. if i'm going to be sharing a space, for fuck's sake let me at least have a means of escape from said space otherwise i'll go crazy cabin fever style. D) - i'm still too bitter and angry about all the wasted time i spent with the other bitches i lived with. i don't need to bring that into another living situation with me...i need to get over it. E) - as i've said before, i promised myself i wouldn't live with another girl until i was engaged to marry her. if i can't keep a promise to myself then what the fuck good am i? what can i say? i'm just a man. rumblelizard said that we're all terrorists and children who refuse to grow up. well...maybe she's right in her own dark, depressing, hopeless and bitter way... if that's the case, and you want to make broad generalizations then women are terrorists who only want to take you hostage until they've sucked you dry of money and left you an empty, broken, tortured husk. honestly, i don't really feel that way about women...i can't help but marvel at, love and appreciate their complexity and mystery. it's what makes life fun! for fuck's sake what fun is existence if you know everything about everything? i just wish that women would appreciate, love and marvel at mens absolute simplicity. we really are simple creatures...we aren't really all that hard to figure out you know. it doesn't make us dumb or stupid, it doesn't make us terrorists...it just makes us...simple. there's not much to hide being a man...even on a physiological level it's all out there...right in plain sight. thus, we're always afraid of getting it cut off, stepped on, laughed at, etc. so we compensate by being aggressive and stubborn. women are much more hidden, everything's inside. you've got to get in there deep to fully understand the layers of meaning and symbol...the subtlety. they're always afraid of getting violated so they keep things closed up and out of sight. can you see now why we need each other? so quit bitchin' at each other and tryin' to prove who's better or who's worse. it's yin-yang baby! creation, destruction...night, day...death, rebirth...all in one. such is love...such is god...such is the cosmos. micro-macrocosmic. anyway, that was a tangent. i'm just sick of all this sex wars and shit. it's stupid... we're all human. the sexes were meant to procreate, no more, no less. if there was only one the whole of humanity would be doomed. so suck on that for a while. anyway, i'm rollin' out with rob and jake to go smoke some bowls and chill. g is out of town tonight so i'm gettin' in all that "personal QT" and "own space" stuff while the gettin's good. i'll talk about the swingin' thing tomorrow or sometime when i can get to it. take care you cyber-kids. ~B-) 5:01 p.m. - 2003-07-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||