stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ...To the only cat I'll ever Love... R.I.P. ~ Trouble the only cat i will EVER love... 19??-2003 it's a sad day for your dear narrator my fellow cyber-denizens. alas, last night Thursday May 22nd, 2003 at approximately 9:54pm i had to put my cat to sleep. i came home to check on her and she was in some bad shape. not only was my apartment like 250,000,000,000,000 (two hundred fifty thousand million) degrees (fucking valley), but my poor baby had run out of water! instead of her usual greeting i was astonished to find her lying lethargically on the kitchen floor barely capable of producing even the faintest and painful of mewlings. terrified i picked her up and pet her and rubbed her and cooed to her. i hurriedly filled her waterbowl and brought her to it. she didn't even have the strength to drink. i took my finger and dipped it in then rubbed it on her nose and tongue. her breathing was shallow and she was generally unresponsive. i was terrified. i thought that she had heat-stroke or was dehydrated so i cranked the aircon up to max...opened up all the windows and doors and brought her outside into the fresh air. placing her bowl next to her i sat and watched her. feebly she would rise to drink then collapse, the strain too much for her to bear. i was worried by this time. i called G and told her that trouble looked sick and that i was trying to cool her off. after sitting outside with her for an hour i decided to take her to the emergency pet hospital near my place. she still was not her usual self when i got there and filled out all the paperwork. every now and again she'd let out a faint meow. eventually the nurse brought her and i into a room in back and took her temperature. she was a degree or so over normal. he said that they were going to treat her for dehydration but that they wanted to do some bloodwork too; and he'd be back to give me an estimate of cost. the receptionist came later and presented me with the bill. $659.00 ...this included the office visit, fluid injections, 24 hour observation, fluids, blood tests, etc. i shook my head in dismay. "i...i...there's no way i can pay this." i said defeated. the recep looked at me then said, "well, let me talk to the doctor and we'll see what we can work out. we don't have any payment plans and we require at least 75% of the cost up front" so i waited, with my ailing baby in the vapid room for the recep to return. she wasn't looking any better, but at the same time she wasn't looking any worse either. the recep returned and told me that they would charge for the office visit and then the blood tests and see where they needed to go from there. i agreed. they took trouble into the back and i went out front for a smoke. a slow feeling of dread began to creep over me. that odd sort of intuitive feeling you get in the pit of your chest...i called G and told her i was at the vet and that i was going to be a bit late coming over to her place. i stated the doc thought it was dehydration but wanted to do some blood tests just to be sure...there was a lump forming in my throat... 20some minutes later the doc called me in... ... he had that look...that hollow, detached sort of gaze that basically summed the situation up to me before any words even left his pursed lips. trouble had developed a severe case of feline diabetes and as a result had kidneys that were on the verge of total failure. i just stood there looking at her lying upon the stainless steel slab in the room...purring softly...eyes half shut. "are you sure? i mean, i had her checked out a little over a year ago and the tests didn't show any signs of diabetes or anything." he shook his head. "diabetes can form in a matter of months depending on diet and activity, etc., etc., blah blah blah..." the rest was lost to me. he broke it down for me as clinically and up front as he could. he said that it would easily cost me $1500+ just to get her through the night, then further check ups and monthly visits for insulin would cost close to $500 per month for the rest of her life. there was no way i could make $1500 magically appear in my pocket...though i wished my hardest that it would. the doc told me to consider the quality of her life. that even if i did pay and even if i did bring her in every month, there was no garauntee that there wouldn't be any other problems associated with her illnesses...toxic shock...infections...etc. he said the best thing would be to put her to sleep. i shook my head...my heart sinking... "there's no way i could keep her until i get paid then try to work something out then?" i pleaded. he shook his head. "her blood sugar is near 700. she's close to going into a diabetic coma...if you take her home tonight, she'll be dead tomorrow morning." i breathed a heavy sigh, i felt like i weighed 2000 pounds. i looked at her, purring ignorantly on the metal table... "can i have a minute?" "take as long as you want. let the recep know when you're ready." he said as he left quietly. i called G and told her. she began to cry which only evoked in me the emotional response i was trying so hard not to let overwhelm... i picked trouble up off the table...held her, cuddled her, kissed her and cried into her soft fur. after a while i finally went to the front desk and told the recep i was ready. i returned to the room where my baby lay and held her until the nurse came in. they took her to prepare her for the injection. i waited there, tears streaming down my face until the returned with my kitty one last time. her right forepaw was bound with gauze and a small IV stuck out above her foot. i comforted her (though it was probably more for me) sang her a lullaby and stroked her head and chin just the way she always liked it. the tears were non-stop as i awaited the doctors last visit. "trouble, if you want to cash in on any of your nine lives, nows the time baby." i said sobbing. "or if you want to pull any miracles out of the bag you best hop to." she just lay there, purring as i pet her. "what if they were wrong?" i thought to myself. "what if tomorrow she turns out just fine and it was all just a mistake or something?" i caught myself fighting the inevitable. so i kept singing to her softly and petting her. the doctor came in with a small syringe filled with bright pink fluid. "it will happen fast, she'll go right to sleep don't worry." my face was wet and i sniffled uncontrollably. i put my arms around her and held her, my nose nuzzled into her neck. he inserted the needle... i felt her fade...her body relaxed...her purring faded... "good night sweetheart..." i sobbed. "goodnight..." i held her for a very long time...it seemed like forever. the doc left me quietly with her... eventually, i composed myself and returned to the front desk. i payed the remainder of the bill and stepped outside for another smoke. she is gone. i was acutely aware of my own mortality, and the mortality of all things. i looked up into the heavens at the faint stars and was all right with the fact that they too will one day burn out and fade. nothing...NOTHING...is static or permanent my friends. the cosmos keeps on spinnin' around in a vast dance of light and matter, and everything is always in motion even when you stand completely still. the sooner we can come to terms with this the better we will feel. i still haven't gone home yet. i went straight to G's house. i'm not sure if i'm ready to pack up all of troubles belongings and toss them in the garbage yet. i'm not sure if i'm ready to come home to a house with no trouble in it...silent...empty... *sigh* it's funny how the grief sorta' comes in waves. like, i'm all right one minute, then it just dawns on me. no cat. no more greetings when i get home. sux. but ya'll have to understand what kind of cat lil miss trouble WAs. i've never really been a cat type of person...in all honesty i've always been more of a dog person...yet... on my 21st birthday a girl i was seeing brought me to the pound. there seated on the highest ledge was the most chillest cat in the whole joint. i reached out and she just nuzzled my hand. i was sold. don't ask me how or why, it was just destiny. i took her home, and despite her name, she really is quite the opposite. it's a misnomer. she was no trouble at all, in fact, she was an angel. she had the most vicious claws...but never used them...she took to the litter like a pro...and overall did absolutely NOTHING wrong. she was and always will be the coolest cat ever. i'm sorry, you all can debate how great and wonderful your cats are...but she's the penultimate in felines. she was my familiar... now her spirit form moves on to wherever and points inbetween. i'm glad i got to spend the time i did with her and glad to have known such a good kitty. she is truly the only cat i will ever love. next up it's gonna' be a puppy...and that's only when i get a yard for it to run about and frolic in. it sounds sappy i know, but she's the first pet i've lost so this is all sorta' new to me. either way, there is melancholy which will eventually fade as all things do, and sooner or later i will have to face my own inevitability... be good out there cyber-citizens and enjoy it while you still can... until next time... xoxo! ~B-) 2:34 p.m. - 2003-05-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||