stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ...Odd dreams... ah yes... the warmongers have at last made their move and those in favor of peace clog the streets and freeways of cities nation-(maybe even world)-wide. some odd dreams as of late. strangely, all of them in japanese. yeah, i know, what the fuck is that all about? i can't really say if it's real japanese or some strange psuedo-japanese created by my strange brain. *shrugs* either way, i'm speaking it and i'm understanding it in my dreams. the last one i dreamt of a certain situation from 3 different points of view. there was a wife, her husband, and their child (all japanese). i dreamt first from the wife's point of view. she was arguing with her husband and he said he was leaving. he went to the bedroom and began to pack his suitcase. she grabbed a wakazashi off the wall and proceeded to dice him up right there in the bedroom. so much blood. she stuffed his body in the closet and then tried to clean all the blood up. "out, out damn spot!" all to no avail, it was soaked everywhere. she looked up from her cleaning to see her son standing there watching her. the dream froze, then shifted. i was the husband. he had just finished up a clandestine love-making session with his mistress, a robust and sexy red-headed american woman around her early forties. after some discussion he confessed his love for her and said he was planning on leaving his wife so that they could run away together. fast forward to when he gets home. the wife is angry and the argument begins. fed up at last with the bitching and the nagging he ends it. confesses his love for his mistress and states plainly he is leaving them. he then goes into the bedroom and starts packing. he didn't even have time to react to the first slash of the wakazashi, barely even knew it was comin'. then the dream shifted again and i was the little boy. mommy was preparing dinner in the kitchen and he was playing with some die-cast giant robot-like toys (manzinger?) in front of the TV. daddy comes in and kisses him hello then goes into the kitchen much like every other day. then mom says something and dad's tone changes. next thing you know they're yelling at each other. he says he's done with it, that he's taking his things and leaving then storms into the bedroom. the boy still plays with his toys. then mom runs in after him screaming, there's a shout then nothing. the boy hears his mother sobbing accompanied by some faint rustling. the boy stops playing with his toys and goes into the bedroom. "mommy?" so much blood. "where's daddy?" then i woke up. again, it was all in japanese. weird eh? wonder what in god's green earth it represents/means? then i had a seemingly regular dream the other night. i was standing at the convergence of three paths in the center of a field, sort of a "Y"-shaped intersection of roads. all around great mesas stood in the distance. it was a sunny spring afternoon, i could tell because the sun was warm but the air was still a bit cold. throughout the field flowers were in bloom. overall there was a great sense of melancholy in the dream. as i stood there my ex-gf alison showed up and we began talking. she asked me how i was and such, your basic small talk and haven't-seen-you-in-a-while sort of conversation. i then saw three children approaching from one of the paths. two girls, around 9-10 and 7-8, and a little boy probably about 5. it was evident they were siblings. they were all dressed rather well, as though they had just finished attending church. they passed and stood at the beginning of one of the branching roads. they looked as though they were waiting for something. meanwhile ali kept on chattering away at me. i came under the impression that they were waiting for their father, almost as though he were returning from somewhere. the girls had flowers woven into their hair and they had all the innocent expectation of a child waiting for their parent they haven't seen in a while. i was reminded of children waiting for their father to return from war. watching them as ali babbled away i felt the sense of melancholy increase, as though what they awaited would never come. and it was as if they were frozen forever in a picture of innocence in a world of change, awaiting something that would never return. i turned my attention from them back to ali. she had asked me a question a question that i cannot consciously recall. however, i do remember my answer and it was... "somewhat, but not nearly what i expected." and i awoke. strange indeed. the representations of that dream are more easy to decipher to me, unlike the japanese ones. *shrugs again* dreams are strange indeed. anyway, outside of my nightly phantasms life is plodding along. trying to get a job so i can pay rent soon. stressin' it a bit but trying to stay focused and sharp and not allow the doldrums of depression and doubt wear me down. thankfully, my dad is here visiting and that helps me. we've been fixing up my apartment and it's lookin' pretty nice...livable actually. we celebrated his birthday yesterday which was nice. the birthday-kareoke celebration on sunday was hellah fun. i can't tell you how drunk i got. so easy when someone else is driving and drinks are on everyone else! ;) that's about it my fellow digital friends. and don't be disheartended about the war. my grandmother once said... "there will be wars and rumors of wars..." it is much in our natures, and so far things aren't going all that terribly i suppose. but hey, it's only been a couple of days... either way, we all need to learn to live for the day anyhow. tomorrow has yet to be and yesterday is but a memory. all that matters is what stands before you at this moment. at this moment i'm sitting in my friend gina's office. it's 80 degrees out, sunny, slight breeze. a car just drove by in the parking lot. my soda is almost gone. i'm craving a cigarette. there's a gentleman approaching the door. he just opened it. he's dropping off a package. he's about 6' 2", piercing in the left eye brow, sorta' scrawny. no sooner had he entered, he dropped the package and left. my hands can barely keep up with the events. the phone just rang. now it is quiet again. in that single descriptive moment a million things just occured, but i merely saw a fraction of it. a countless number of events led to that moment, and by the grace of the cosmos i got to be witness to its wondrous simplicity. if i was worrying about tomorrow or regretting yesterday i would have missed it. such is the way. so be there for it my friends because in those single instances you never know what good fortune may be waiting for you. i wonder when all this war stuff is done with what people will do. i mean, so many people have things to do now that it has all started. picketing and protesting, news coverage...when it's all done what'll they do? sometimes i wonder why people protest. it's obvious our words are going nowhere. why not just join the red cross instead and go down to iraq and the middle east and actually DO SOMETHING about it. actually HELP the people who are in need and support all the troops who may or may not be feeling like what they're doing is worth it or even supported by their fellow americans. quit sittin' in the street and bitchin' about how evil our country is and go out and do something if you really have a beef. not that i'm for the war or anything. i feel that it's time for us lil humans to grow up. violence is a retarded way of dealing with problems. in an ideal world we'd all work out our problems diplomatically...shit...in an ideal world there'd be NO PROBLEMS. we could run free and naked and never be hungry and never get sick or grow old or die. we would be children forever. free to wander and wonder at the stars and the heavens and all the amazing things. but this is reality and there are cruel people just as there are compassionate people. such is the human spirit. we...you...i have a choice. in any given moment i can either be compassionate or cruel, loving or hating, giving or selfish, positive or negative. sadly, a lot of the time (as i've said before) it is easier to do the former than the latter in all those cases. we could argue until we're blue in the face about god and the meaning of the universe and politics and all that; but what matters, what is REAL is human life and human emotion. there is no one in the world who does not experience either of these things. my mother asked me once, "what do all people have in common? love? hate?" and my answer was... "there are two things that all humans on earth share in common. that we are all born, and that we all die." everything else stems from these two things. emotion is the breadth of experience between point A (birth) and point B (death). so there you have it. do with it what you will. choose to define your life and the lives of others by race, values, morals, beliefs, etc. or simply accept that we are all the same when you strip away the bullshit we like to use "identify" ourselves. take care party peeps and live well. until next time... peace ~B-) 2:06 p.m. - 2003-03-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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