stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary

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...\"When it rains, it pours\"...

"when it rains it pours" they say...

what a crazy past few months it has been for your dear narrator. there seems to be some sort of slow stripping away of things in my life. the powers that be are busy attending to other things in the world and the universe, and it seems that my minute existence has fallen to the wayside. however, all my ills are things that i alone can fix, so here goes...

as always i need money...it seems to be the root of all my evils. hated god money! i denounce you! phe!

sadly, capitolism is the teachings of the prophets of god-money so in order to survive in this republic i need to have some of that dark and insidious currency. ah, in a perfect world...

more on that later...

the point is that without a car it makes it very difficult for me to do anything (as most of california is engineered for people who have cars); and now that i have no job, it makes the whole money issue much more difficult to attain. so here i am, scouring the net and the world for some sort of new job. i'm not too upset about the loss of my job, as i was already preparing myself for a move; it just happened a little earlier than expected so now i've had to replan my schedule accordingly. thankfully they gave me some severance pay (although slim) which will be nice to have around in the possibly long hiatus from work.

until then i'm just enjoying the time off really. spending some extra time learning more about various animation programs, updating my demo reel, playing videogames (Dark Cloud 2, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City), cleaning house, building with LEGO, and whatnot. my dad is coming out to visit me on the 17th and he's got plans on helping me renovate my apartment, so i'm pretty excited about that. it's always good to see him and it'll be fun to do a bit of home improvement with him.

other than that things are goin' all right. G has been acting strange, i think that our energies are misaligned as of late and it seems that we want opposite things at opposite times. i figure it's just because of all the recent happenings and it will reharmonize when things become a bit more stable.

last weekend we went down to san diego to visit a couple we've been "courting" for a while. we had dinner and drinks and returned to their place for more drinks and some conversation. they're really cool, sadly nothing really came of it. we had to leave simply because G had to go to work the next day. unfortunately, they are moving to texas tomorrow and we probably won't be seeing much of them anymore.

a few days later G informed me that she was backing out of the whole swinging thing and that she feels it's not her thing. i was a bit disenchanted and discouraged and have yet to really figure out what it means to our relationship in the long term. i suppose we'll see. i really enjoy G's company, and consider her a great friend/lover; and overall am not too particularly concerned. i don't have much time for the lifestyle nowadays anyway, but when i do? who knows? i suppose only time will tell.

i enjoy the erotic nature of it all; and find it fun to "play" with other people. i mean, i don't want to live it (meaning the lifestyle) alone, i really was looking for someone to share it all with. i thought G was interested in exploring it with me, but such is not the case. so all in all i'm reconsidering the need for it, but also reconsidering our relationship as a whole. is this something necessary to me in a relationship? can i live without it? is G worth sacrificing it for? she said that i could continue doing it myself...but what's the fun in that? if was going to keep doing it, then i'd look for a girl to do it with me. if that's the case, then wouldn't it just make more sense to alter the dynamic of our relationship and begin looking for a partner once again?

i really am not sure yet. and as i said before, it isn't really the priority at this point in my life. what's more important is that i find a job, pay all my debts, get my car back up and running and generally begin building a "solid financial future" for myself.

i figure i'll get to that when i have the time; and moreover, these things have a way of working themselves out on their own a lot of the time...

so that's about it for me, your dear narrator. wish things were better, but overall they aren't as worse as they could be. hoping everything will begin to fall into place, and that some afluence and good fortune will again grace my little existence. until then...i take it in stride and live happy knowing that at least i can rise to see the sun...

~B-)

2:52 p.m. - 2003-03-05

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