stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *sigh* i don't have to tell you how stressful things have been lately. it seems this energy is present in the lives of many people. many people i know have been working hard just to survive and make ends meet, me included. but i foresee that this will come to an end within the next four months or so. i have this feeling that there may be a few more troubles, but when they are done and gone the sun will come out and we can all play! let's hope i'm right! G is definitely one of the people weathering through the rough times, and i can tell that sometimes it really wears her down. if i was in a better position i'd help her out, but i can only manage so much with everything else in my life. i just hope that things work out for her soon. it makes me sad to see her in such a funk all the time, and sometimes i find myself missing the fun and fancy-free girl i met. i try to keep her spirits up but sometimes she is just too weary. lately i've been feeling naughty. i've been exclusive with G since march last year and i can say that the transition to this more monogomous state has been fairly easy and quite natural. in some ways i miss the people i was involved with before...if only for their company. lauren doesn't even talk to me anymore after the last time we hung out...no returning my phone calls or anything...so that makes me sad. she was important and special to me and in the least i miss her friendship. this seems to be another commonality as of late. my friends are moving around and a lot of people i used to hang out with quite regularly have dropped off the face of the planet or rarely contact me...michelle...lauren...erica...kendie... only the boys seem to stick around. i suppose this is natural when you become involved in an exclusive relationship. i miss them, and wish that they would call more often. i miss hangin' out with them, catching happy hour in hollywood on a tuesday night, hittin' the bars in pasadena on sunday afternoon. these were good times... sadly, this is in most part due to lack of funds and an increase in work/career. i guess i'm growing up, eh? but i long to play again, and hope for a day when G and i can just pack our bags and go somewhere for a weekend or hit the finest sushi joint in town followed by a night of dancing... but right now it seems that we both just don't have the energy nor money for it. i've been itching to explore the swinging thing with G more lately. we belong to a few dating sites for such things and it seems that a lot of people have been writing to us wanting to meet. but G doesn't have access to a computer anymore (save for my house) and so i end up replying to most of the e-mails, if i even reply at all. i tell them to write her at her e-mail and send pictures but i don't know if she even gets them...or even cares for that matter. at this point in her life, i have the feeling that this sort of thing is the furthest thing from her mind...and overall there seems to be a general disinterest in the whole idea. though she sometimes talks nasty to me about things...saying how she would find it fun to put hidden cameras in my room to film me with people i'd pick up from bars or whatever...or mentioning the cute girl at her work... i really want to bring a sexy boy home for her, sadly, it seems the only men we get are 40+ divorcees who are exploring their sexuality...which is fine...i've had my share of such men...and i think that maybe it would be a "safe start" in many respects...a sort of "ice-breaker". i'm definitely not as picky as her. i realize that MOST people in the "lifestyle" are just your average people...a lot like ourselves...so finding the kickin' superhot, supermodel couple is a rarity and even then they could be total assholes. when it comes to this sort of thing i just look for a good-looking couple who are intersting and mentally stimulating...complimentary to ourselves as a couple...it's a process though and i'd much rather have her make the decisions and moves when she is comfortable, and so i don't really say anything to her about it. but whatever...all in good time i guess. she's been talking a lot about her weight lately...i think she's been feeling unsexy or something. "none of my clothes fit me anymore!" "am i getting fat?" "would you tell me if i'm getting fat?" what the hell? "NO!" and "YES!" but the thing is...to me...fat is when you're over 200lbs. i've been with women who were 350lbs (and still had a great time)!! so that's my unit of measure...NO WORRIES BABY!! still...it's strange to hear her talk like that...so unlike her. i mean this is coming from the girl who hates "froo-froo" girls! if there's anything "froo-froo" girls talk about more...it's their weight and their clothes! it makes me sad to hear her break herself down so much. i'd imagine that due to all the stress and turmoil in her financial/career sector she's developing insecurities, fears and anxieties in her personal sector as well...and i'm sure that i can cause a lot of discomfort and worry too... but like i said, it's so unlike her. i always thought of her as a rough-and-tumble sort of girl who wouldn't put up with anyone's shit and pulls through despite the circumstances...but we all have our moments...me especially... when i get all this car and financial shit sorted out i really want to take her out shopping. by her some fancy new threads and sexy lingerie...plus she needs some sexy shoes too. you wear too many tennies baby! ;-) heehee! i dunno'...sometimes i think that maybe i don't do enough for her to make her happy...or that i'm overpowering her own sense of identity. i tend to do that to girls and i don't know why. they start off really independent and self-assured then over time they become dependent and needy and insecure. what's with that? i mean, it HAS to be something i'm doing or saying...why this sort of transformation? or maybe... they're like that on the inside? and the hard ass independent attitude is just a front? a protective shield against the world? maybe i break through that mask and reveal the child inside? maybe they feel comfortable in revealing their softness and vulnerability to me? i don't know...it just seems to be a pattern, and it seems that most of the women who were truly independent just got sick of my shit after a while... i've been trying to correct some of my character flaws. trying to be better with money (not so successful yet), pay more attention to details (fairly successful), be better at picking up after myself and maintaining a level of orderliness...that sort of stuff. it's sort of my new year's resolution...eventually i want to stop smoking...but that's the toughest one of them all i think...but we'll see how well i've done by year's end... in the end i realize that i still have a ways to go before i'm happy with who i am and what i have become, and there are things that still seem mutable to me. who knows what the future will bring, right? best be ready to roll with it...and just enjoy what you have at any given moment because it may be gone tomorrow...that's my philosophy at least... perhaps it's a dumb philosophy? 5:07 p.m. - 2003-01-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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