stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ...Restless Nuetron Star... ... i am restless. there is a deep emptiness growing within me. as though my heart were a star on the brink of collapse...it is becoming heavier and heavier to the point at which it becomes a black hole and chews up my insides...devouring everything that is pulled in by its intense gravity... i am unhappy. i was hoping for more, and yet there is nothing. the light is waning from me...and the cold winter begins. i want everything to burn. tear it all down, shred it, crush it, consume it until it is nothing but ash. i want to forsake all that i am, deconstruct the idea of myself, until i am but a shadow...thoughtless, emotionless, formless... then, i want to gather the ashes of my former life, mix them with water and soil, sculpt them into a new form, and breathe myself into it...and be reborn. the boat is sinking...i bail but my bucket is much too small. i am at the point where the cold depths of the sea seem more inviting than the drowning ship i sail upon. i look into those fathoms and there is nothing...an absence...an unfeeling, uncaring void. i want to be part of it. i am tired. i want to embrace the frigid waters and sink into the deeps, to fill my lungs with water...and sleep for a thousand years. i long to lie dreaming, nestled softly in the lightless abyss beneath the waves, and let the world move on without me. once, there was a dream of a bright and shining future full of promise. they were broken upon the shoals of disillusionment. now the future seems far away...and all the dreams seem like nothing more than childish fantasy. is all of life merely a comprimise between what you hope for and what is? is there ever a moment when everything comes together? i'm waiting for the payoff...i'm waiting for my turn... *sigh* i need to get out of this city. it's a monster that eats at your soul. i need to see the majestic peaks of the rocky mountains shining snowcrested in the dawn. perhaps then it will all become clear... ...and i will be cured of this indefinable longing... ~B-) 7:00 p.m. - 2002-12-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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