stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary

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...The Girl Who Ruined Everything...

Once upon a time...

there was an innocent, naive young man. who believed in the romantic ideals of love. who believed that there was one person in the world who was made for him. one person forged by destiny from the day he was born to be his and his alone. a girl who was perfect in every way, designed by the fates from the day she was born to be everything he ever dreamed of and more.

he imagined her at night while he lay in bed. imagined and dreamed of her face. she was like an angel. all light and air. her hair was like the rays of sunshine that penetrate the darkest storms, her eyes like the bluest skies sparkling over tropical summer oceans, her smile like mother of pearl, and her lips soft like high cumulus.

in his visions he would embrace her, like in the movies, and their lips would meet. he dreamed her kiss would be like dancing in the clouds, her body like laying upon the warmest of sandy beaches, her love like entering the gates of heaven themselves.

how he yearned for her. how he wished he would find her.

then...one day...he did.

he was only 18. he wandered into school like any other day. his bookbag heavy upon his shoulders, eyes still bleary with sleep. he made his way, like he always did, down the hallway through the throngs of freshman, sophomores, juniors and seniors to his small red locker on the first floor.

there she was. heaven incarnate walking towards him. her long blond hair cascaded in soft curves and ringlets over her shoulders. her blue eyes glimmered and shined like early morning sunlight and her lithe, curvy young frame moved gracefully through the crowd of highschoolers almost as though she was floating.

he froze in his tracks, marveling at the vision before him. the world dissolved away and it was merely him and her. who was she? he had never seen her before. she brushed past him, catching his gaze with a smile, and kept on up the stairs and out of sight. but she lingered. her smell followed her like a spring breeze. filled with flowers and soft, gentle rain. he was speechless.

his heart was pounding, his mind was swooning. this was the girl he had dreamed about for so long. he wasn't even sure if she was real.

as time passed he learned that she was a junior transfer from a school in pueblo. her name was sarah perko.

as the year passed by and graduation neared the boy began to pursue her. he would strategically place himself in her path during the day so that he might see her, and more importantly, she might see him.

this was the case. between classes their paths crossed many times during the day and each time he found that when he looked, she looked right back. their gaze meeting as they passed. he would smile and she would smile back.

when the new semester came the boy had one less class and therefore had an extended lunch break. he would find himself in the library catching up on homework or sketching. as he sat doodling in his notebook and daydreaming about the future his idle fancies were interrupted.

she had seated herself at his table in the library. plopping her books down before him so as to get his attention. the boy looked up in wonder at her. she smiled back and asked him if she could sit with him. stuttering he agreed.

thus it began. every day for a semester they would sit together in the library and talk. he learned that not only was she beautiful, but she was incredibly smart as well. their conversations covered every topic and never once was there silence between them.

the boy felt blessed by the fates. she was everything he had ever wanted.

he found that in her short time at school, she had already found a boyfriend. it wasn't surprising to the boy, for a girl such as her wasn't alone for long. but despite, he still enjoyed their time together and reveled in her attentions and conversation.

the school year began to come to a close. the boy was the lead in the school musical and he used his influence to garner to free tickets for sarah and her boyfriend. at lunch he presented the tickets to her and asked if she and her boyfriend would come to see him. she was torn. the boy could tell that she wanted to go, but didn't want to bring her boyfriend. she stated that he didn't like that kind of stuff and that he had a game on the night the tickets were for. the boy said he could change the ticket date. but she declined.

he was disheartened. he felt that if she were to see him shine on stage, she would no longer be able to resist his light and she would realize her destiny lay with him. such are the thoughts with idealistic love and romance. chivalry wins the heart and fate brings lovers together...

after the show was done. they still spent time together in the library. as the days wore on her affection for him became more evident. she sat closer to him, touched him more, and made veiled comments about her disatisfaction with her current beau.

prom was approaching and the boy decided he would ask her to the dance. if she felt anything for him then surely she would follow her heart and they would be together...

before prom, there was a more casual dance called "MORP" (prom spelled backwards) in which the girls would ask the boys. the boy hoped that sarah would ask him, but she wasn't going. surprisingly, the boy was asked by several girls to go...all but the girl he most wanted. typical of these sorts of things. he decided to go with a girl named danielle. she was a poor girl but very nice and attractive. she cooked him dinner and they went together and all in all it was a good night.

after MORP, danielle and the boy began to date more...despite the boy's secret feelings for sarah. he felt that maybe it wasn't "meant to be" and that he was mistaken, or in the least if it was indeed "meant to be" then fate would intervene.

during their conversations in the library sarah seemed sad that the boy had a new girlfriend (whom so happened to be one of her aquaintances). strangely, when they were together in the library, it was as though the rest of the world didn't exist. it was as though her boyfriend and danielle were just phantoms and all that there was was the boy and sarah.

finally, the boy was resolute. prom was coming soon and he decided to throw all caution to the wind and ask sarah to prom. like any other day they were together in the library. laughing and talking. the boy became serious for a moment and asked sarah if she would go.

"aren't you going with danielle?"

"i don't want to go with her, i want more than anything to go with you."

she was nervous for a moment. the boy could tell she was thinking very hard on it.

"but, she's sorta' my friend. it would be awkward...and...well...ben...i should go with ben since he's my boyfriend...but..."

her gaze drifted down to her books. for the first time they both were silent. the boy waiting for his answer, the girl uncertain of her answer.

"i wish i had met you earlier." the girl said. "i saw you all the time, but i thought you wouldn't even notice being a senior and all."

the boy was shocked.

"but i noticed you the first day you were here. i tried to find a way to talk to you, to introduce myself, but i never could think of anything."

she sighed.

"i have to go with ben. i'm sorry. it would just be too weird if we went together now."

"okay, i understand." his heart sank.

"save a slow dance for me though. i want to at least dance with you."

"you got it...i promise..."

and that was that. they resumed their regular conversation, and again, the boy simply enjoyed her for that.

time went on and school was nearing a close. the boy indeed went with danielle to the prom. it wasn't at all like he'd imagined nor seen in the movies. they didn't get a hotel, there was no "after-prom-sex", just a kiss at the door and a simple goodnight.

the boy never danced with sarah at the prom. even though during one of the songs he caught her gazing at him over her boyfriend's shoulder, the boy could not bring himself to dance with her. he felt that maybe it was a bad idea, and that it was best to let sleeping dogs lie. besides, if it was "meant to be" fate would have stepped in and they would have been together in the end...

such is the way with romantic love.

the summer passed and the boy saw sarah on a few occasions. always she was with her boyfriend, but always she would find him and they would talk alone about the future and about things that could have been. she was sad the boy was moving to california for college and listed that as one of the reasons why she didn't want to get involved. ben was a junior like her, they had another year together, she couldn't be involved with a boy who lived far away in college...

she was right, and the boy agreed. but he said that maybe one day the moment would be right and he would be waiting...

the summer was over and the boy drove out to california. it was a new life...he met new people and made new friends and was exposed to all sorts of new experiences, but always he thought of sarah. at night he would dream of her and above his desk he put the only picture he had of her that he took the last day of school. there wasn't a moment when he didn't long for her, there wasn't a time that he didn't look for her in a crowd.

he believed in the destiny of true love. he believed that fate would bring them together again some day...

in time, school and outside life destracted the boy from his romantic ideals. eventually he found another girl...somewhat like sarah...with whom he became involved.

the first semester of college passed and the boy went home to visit his family. on the plane thoughts of sarah once again emerged in his mind. he wondered if he would see her again...

christmas was wonderful. the boy spent much time with his family and was happy to have his cousin in town for the holiday. one night, the boy thought it would be interesting to set his cousin up with sarah (since the boy already had a girlfriend in california). so on a whim he called sarah to see if she was up for a night out at the movies with the boy and his cousin. he was surprised to find she was home and she was very happy to hear from him. she agreed to go out with the boy and his cousin to a movie and maybe dancing afterward.

they went to see the movie "pulp fiction". strangely, sarah was very affectionate to the boy the entire night. holding his hand in the movie theatre and playing footsie with him at the icecream shop (one of the boys most favorite games). as the night went on it became evident that sarah was only interested in the boy and his plans to set her up with his cousin had backfired in a way that he had only hoped would happen.

at the end of the evening they dropped the cousin off and made their way back to sarah's house. she invited the boy in to watch the movie "mermaids" which she said reminded her of the boy (which was a mystery). they watched the movie on her couch in the basement and when it was over there was silence between them once again. this time, she gazed into the boys eyes and he could see the longing. as in a dream their lips met for the first time and it was all that he had ever hoped. after a seeming infinity of time she pulled away.

"we need to go to bed...um...i need to go to bed...you need to go home."

the boy was dazed and still in dream.

"i'm still with ben...this is not good..."

the boy hurriedly left and didn't snap out of his dream until he had gotten home. it was the moment he had always prayed for. his heart was filled again with yearning and desire.

was this fate at last?

sarah called him the next day and invited him to a party. some of the boys old friends were there so he agreed to go...not for them...for her...he wasn't sure what was going to happen, but he knew for sure his heart lay with her...

sarah was at at the party with her boyfriend, but all night she talked to the boy. later, when everyone had been drinking and was silly with alchohol, they brought out the game twister. sarah convinced the boy to play. after a few spins the boy and sarah and a few others were twisted into various inhuman shapes...right hand on red...left hand blue...sarah's lips touching the boys neck ever so softly. she was whipering to him...her boyfriend in the other room playing super nintendo. she kissed him softly...teasing him...taunting him.

was he the victim of some evil ploy? he wasn't sure, and he didn't care. at the end of the night they stole away to the park down the street and they kissed on the merry-go-round. his heart was soaring. like the time they spent in the library a year earlier, it was as though the world didn't exist when they were together. that when their lips touched and bodies met time ceased its monotonous procession and the world froze. the only things moving were their hearts and lips and hands in a blissful dance of innocent passion and desire.

after a while they returned again to the party. sarah told the boy to come over to her house the following evening and the boy agreed...

they sat on her waterbed. looking at old photos and talking about the future. she was going to boulder to get a degree in genetics and microbiology, the boy would continue his education in film and art. they came upon the subject of their future. the boy told sarah about the girl in california, and sarah wondered whether she should end things with ben. they decided the distance between them was great despite the closeness of their hearts and the boy asked her if she would dance with him just once to make up for prom night when he was too afraid.

she put on the song by eric clapton "wonderful tonight" and they danced slowly in her room. he held her close and wished that it could all be different somehow. he closed his eyes and buried his face in her hair and prayed to the gods of fate and time to bring them together one day. when the song was over they kissed again and the boy went home.

the next day the boy returned again to california and his california girl and all was but a dream once again.

time passed and eventually the boy moved in with his california girl. he got a job to pay rent and was consumed by his psuedo-domestic life. but as always, in his dreams he thought of sarah, at night he would see her face and hold her again in his arms only to wake and find himself in bed with someone else who wasn't quite like her.

as time wore on the boy and his feelings for the california girl began to wane. he began to yearn for sarah not only in his dreams, but in his waking hours as well.

one day he received a letter from sarah via e-mail. she said she had ended things with ben and was thinking of him always. he replied, but in his reply told her he was living with the california girl and things were going all right. the boy was loyal and naive, and felt it was wrong to live with someone and have feelings for someone else. he never heard from sarah again...

after a year had passed his disatisfaction with the california girl and their relationship became too strong and he ended it. he moved back to colorado for the summer to make money and prepare for school. while he was there he searched all around for sarah in the hopes he would find her again so that he might tell her all that he felt in his heart. he felt that it was indeed destiny at work and that if after all this time it was "meant to be" then fate would reveal her to him.

weeks before he was due to return to california he found her. she had moved to littleton with her father and stepmother so as to prepare for college. the boy called her and made plans to go up and visit her before he left for california.

it had been two years since he had last seen her, his only reminder was the photo he still kept on his desk at school.

she had cut her hair, but as always she was as beautiful as the summer sunrise and the boy felt overwhelming joy when her eyes fell upon him.

however, she was distant...

they went to the movies and had dinner and the whole while she was like another person. when they returned to her house they began to talk again. of the future and the past and of a great many things...everything but their hearts. the boy learned that she had another boyfriend...brian...and that they had been together for a year. his heart became cloudy. she invited him to stay the night and have breakfast in the morning. he agreed, he realized that this may be the last time he would ever hear or see her again. she let him sleep in her bed while she stayed in her sisters room. all night long the boy could not sleep. he lie in her bed and it was rich with her smell...the smell of spring flowers and soft gentle rain...

he stayed up and drew all night and wrote poetry, his heart was full of sorrow, regret and longing. he put a poem in a book on her bookshelf in the morning and went downstairs for breakfast.

the thought of never seeing her again left the food tasteless and his heart empty and sad. he wished again that it all had gone differently...he wished with all his heart that time would go backwards and he could return again to the day that he first saw her in the hall at school...

they hugged before he got into his car. he gave her his e-mail and phone number and she gave him hers...

he wondered if there was such a thing as fate and destiny and true love. she was everything he ever dreamed and yet there he was, driving the lonely road back to his hometown...

when he returned to california he decided to compose a letter to once and for all test the nature of true love and destiny. he felt that if he poured his heart out in a letter and told her all the things he never said and was afraid to say, then she would return to him if she shared those feelings.

he composed the letter, a confession of all his heart and soul, and sent it to her.

he vowed he would not call nor write again until she replied.

he never heard from her again.

in time the boy became a man and outgrew the ideals of true love and romance. he lost faith in the storybooks and movies and set his heart in stone. he has never been the same since.

the man is hard and bitter about love. he knows not what it is anymore. he became realistic and practical about it and began to believe that love is work and sacrifice and comprimise. he believed that "story book" love and romance were ideals for children and boys and people who lived their life in the clouds.

he began to believe that people didn't know what true love was, that it was merely an ideal...a fantasy...not based in the hard truth of reality...

the reality that people change and grow despite love...that love between people is conditions and comprimises...and that there was no such thing as fate and destiny...that everything in life is self-created and there is no going back...

yet...

despite his hard exterior and realistic view, inside the man is still the boy...who at night still dreams of sarah...still yearns to see her once again...still hopes that destiny will bring her to him once again...

he has searched and searched for her...for someone like her...and he has found only vague facsimiles. they are wonderful and beautiful in their own right, but they are not her...and he can't help but feel that there is something more out there he has yet to find...

after all this time the boy...the man...still wonder where sarah has gone. the boy wonders, in his childlike idealism, if fate will indeed one day prove the man wrong.

surfing the internet, travelling the virtual seas of data, he finds traces of her passing...old college websites...articles quoting her...photographs taken for online magazines...

is it fate that he stumbles upon these relics? or is it because in his heart of hearts he still searches for her? is the man right when he believes that all things are self-created? or is the boy correct when he believes that fate and destiny weave the tale of true love?

the boy wonders after all this time what sarah would be like. he wonders how she will compare to the man that has grown today. if they were to meet again would they have anything to talk about? would the world melt away between them as it always did until there is only them and the soft steady flow of time and fate?

the man wonders is all of this yearning and wondering in vain? does the memory of sarah haunt him and prevent the discovery of real love in the present? or is what he feels true love? love without boundary of time and space, love despite all distance and circumstance, love that would cross the oceans and stars to return to its source, love that is unchanging despite the changing nature of the human heart?

he still does not know. the only way of knowing is finding her again and seeing at long last if any of it had any meaning at all...or if it is just that...a dream...an ideal...a fantasy...

one way or the other the boy and the man will know for certain. all of their questions...

does she think of him as often as he does her?

does she still wonder where he is?

does she still look for him, search for him, yearn for him?

can love grow and survive in a vacuum of distance and time?

was it all but a dream?

...all will at last be answered, and the man can at last move on...one way...or the other...

until then, in all relationships past, present and future...sarah will be...

the girl who ruined everything

~B-)

1:14 p.m. - 2002-10-14

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