stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ...Redefining... i defy catagorization. i'm not poly i'm not bi I AM BRIAN take me or leave me...but for god's sake don't try and put me in some box just to make it easier to understand...because you won't...i'll break that box open and leave you reeling... "what was that?!?" you'll ask. me defying catagorization. thinking back...i was pondering what got me started in the whole poly and swinging thing. i suppose it had a lot to do with the fact that i was bisexual. i thought that it would be impossible for me to be in a monogamous relationship and still be allowed an outlet for this facet of who i was. figuring this, i then felt that it was only natural that it was a two-way street. in other words, if i was to be free to take whatever lovers i deemed, then it obviously my partner must be given the same rights as well. i chose to relinquish all sense of jealousy...to wipe away any and all expectation...and allow myself to be open to what it all meant. when i began searching for others...poly people...swingers...bi-men and bi-women...i was in search of myself...in search of understanding and acceptance of that part of me. to know that there were indeed others who shared this very same need...this very same trait... dealing with couples and people on that entirely new level allowed me access to areas of my soul and levels of openess that were hitherto locked. i began to find that my soul...my spirit...my mind...were indeed without boundary...that the only limits i had were limits set by my own mind. in the interum between couples and men i began a search for something else...a partner. someone to share this aspect of myself with...someone who would embrace it as openly and wholeheartedly as i. one person. a woman. as i met more people...more swingers and polys...i began to see the shortcomings of their system...of their practice. i noticed that people couldn't seperate sex and love...emotional intimacy and physical intimacy. it was surprising to find men who despite having an open marraige with their wives, would still go behind their backs...still sneak around... i didn't understand this. why on earth would you do that? when the love of your life allowed you something like that...gave you the trust and confidence. it was infuriating. as my explorations took me deeper into my own mind and deeper into the minds of others i began to formulate exactly what it was that i was looking for. i realized that swinging and polyamoury are about boundaries and trust. that those who were most successful had a set of rules with which they adhered to. they also were most communicative with each other almost to the point of being one entity altogether. reading some of the poly sites they define various polyrelationship "models". triads - relationships involving 3 people polyfidelity - relationships involving 4 or more people that are closed to outsiders open poly - relationships involving many partners with no real limitations to the number the number of "models" is astounding...and it led me to wonder just exactly how many were successful? i figured that this could only be learned through practical application. i began to date girls...bringing together a group of females who shared similar qualities...bi...fun...all around good girls. through time i began to introduce these girls to one another...bring them into social contact...to see what happened. nothing...neither good nor bad. the girls were aware of each other and they behaved...but nothing beyond that. despite being very much alike...and having a lot in common...there was a barrier...a wall that prevented them from interacting beyond just polite amiability. thus, i defined that bisexuality does not necessitate poly. that those that are bi still in many respects seek monogamous relationships. i also realized that true polyamoury developes naturally through time...that you can't just bring people together and viola *poof* polyamoury... this was intersting. it then made me analyze my bisexuality. was it a necessity to my life? could i live without it? what about it did i find attractive? i realized that the important factor of it all was the "base unit"...the couple...the man and the woman. most swingers began their crazy sex-party ways after years and years of marriage...deciding one day (while watching a porn or something) that they wanted to start swinging together... i began to try and date men. seeking them on various sites and through friends. it was horribly unsuccessful. we'd go out to dinner, see a movie or go to the beach just like a boy and girl do. eventually we'd become sexually involved. after the physical intimacy i was surprised to discover a total and complete detachment on my part. that i had no interest whatsoever beyond that point. i tried...continuing to date...but it felt awkward and strange. my male lover would want to cuddle and kiss...hold hands and hug...and generally do the things that hetero couples do. i just wasn't into it. it felt wholly unnatural...even though the sex didn't. this led me to believe that my bisexuality was based entirely upon hedonistic principles. that i enjoyed the feeling of being penetrated. i enjoyed the taste and feel of a luscious, vascular cock in my mouth. i got off on seeing a man shoot a load on my stomach, ass or my face...but that was where it ended. i found too that i got off on the idea of a woman taking me like a woman. the idea of a woman strapping on a dildo and fucking me silly with it was an incredible turn-on. thus, my bisexuality is just that...sexuality with both men and women...emotionally it is a totally different story...and overall the feeling can be easily emulated and filled by a woman...sans the hot jizz...which is sad cuz i like that...but overall not a huge difference... this being said i then defined that it was indeed a woman i sought...but she was very unique...in that i wanted her to be like me...complimentary to me... i imagined she was me in woman form. just as sexual...just as passionate...just as open-minded, hedonistic, exploratory and creative...an artist of life so to speak...an independant and free-spirited fire child. someone who could easily define sex from love and love from sex...but yet still understand what true, absolute, unfaltering love meant. i envisioned someone who would unify themselves with me...that we would be of one mind and one body. we would recognize and appreciate those "freaky" sexual aspects of each other both individually and as a whole...and together we would embrace them... i fantasized about someone who i could prowl the night with...like two lions...in search of prey. someone who would one night say... "i'm in the mood. i'm hungry." i'd give a knowing nod, we'd get dressed to the nines and go in search of food...together. my ideals of swinging or polyamoury aren't based around a "free-for-all" dynamic. on the contrary, i OWN my mate...my partner...and she OWNS me. we are inseperable. we are one. we don't go around behind each others backs fucking everything that moves...no...we carefully stalk and choose our prey...together... to me it is all about sharing. if she wanted to play, that's fine...just share it with me...share that experience. i'm the one she's supposed to love above all, there should be no reason why i shouldn't be allowed to be present. i don't want to play unless i'm sharing it with her...i want her present... otherwise what's the point of it all? and just like lions...we only need to eat once in a while...when the craving takes us. on the same token, if one craves and the other doesn't then the one without the craving brings the food to the other. like... "i'm in the mood for chinese." "oh yeah? you want me to go and get some?" "yes, thank you very much." "what are you in the mood for?" "mmmm...5'3", petite?" "as you wish." like a cat that brings a mouse, freshly caught, back to its owner. this is a sign of appeasement and subjugation. it's like the cat is saying... "look what i brought home for you!! aren't you proud of me! let's eat it." she would choose for me...i would choose for her...we would choose together. our play would be as one. in the end we would lay together in our own bed with no one else. it is our cave...our special place...sanctuary...the place where our children will be made. we never go home alone...we never sleep alone... we would be powerful as individuals and unstoppable as a unit. we would be dangerous in bed together...so good it kills...the universe would be at our command. we would be a force of elemental pleasure...uncomprimisingly beautiful. that was the idea at least. whether or not that is a possibility...or even a necessity...is really yet to be seen. things have a way of naturally working themselves out. most of all...i realized that the power cannot be all up to me. that the freedoms and choices cannot be entirely mine...that the power must go into the hands of someone special...so that she may do with it as she sees fit... ~B-)
7:15 p.m. - 2002-07-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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