stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ...New Beginnings... *sigh* so here i am once again. i had to drop the other profile...it marks the end of a certain stage of my life... i've been mulling things about in my head a lot lately. sort of a self-diagnostic, so to speak. just figuring out what i need and don't need...people, things, ideals... trimming and pruning. G awakened a lot in me. caused me to reconsider many aspects of my life. on top of that my father's arrest made me look inwards even more. i took some time alone...with my thoughts...my demons...and tried to figure out what in life that i am running from...what it is that haunts me. i love G very much...more than i showed or even said... to the point that i began to burn bridges...calling off all external relationships...janna, amy, lauren...one by one i removed them from the inventory of my heart...to allow myself a purer more focused view of G. but life is ironic...and no sooner had i done this...than she let it go. i've been up all weekend. going on almost 72 hours of no sleep...in my moments of solitude...i had altered myself...reinvented my view on love...and cast aside the ideas of myself as a polyamourous being. i felt that perhaps i used the poly philosophy as a shield...a barrier...against true commitment...against real intimacy and vulnerability...it allowed me a buffer-zone to avoid the pain and discomfort of that type of emotional proximity... it allowed me to write off all my failed relationships... "they just don't understand me...i'm much too complicated..." that sort of thing. when in actuality i was merely afraid. sure...i'll be the first to admit that i love group sex...3somes, 4somes...male/female...it's really, really fun...erotic... but that's really where it ends. after the fun is over i'm glad to walk away and never talk to them again. but that's the nature of fantasy. once the fantasy is over...played through...enacted...you return to your real life. i would love to find a woman who shared this sort of...how shall i say...fetish? interest? whatever... ...i doubt anyone like that exists for me...i doubt anyone like that exists period. people just have a hard time defining sex and love...they want it to be special and have some sort of meaning...they interweave the two as one. just because i like to share my partner doesn't mean that they aren't special to me...that what we feel for each other is any less just because i watch her get fucked by someone else. is that strange? i guess... it's not a necessity for me though. i mean, i'm fascinated by women peeing...i like to see it...it's another of my strange fetishes...but can i live without it? of course. we all have our little eccentricities...i may have a lot... but i do want someone to share my life with. one person to share my desires...dreams...fears...hopes...wishes....sorrows...fetishes...however strange or mundane. i wanted to tell G that...that i had discovered this...i called her on saturday...i wanted so bad to tell her what i was doing...what i felt... but there was no reply. i left her numerous messages on her cel phone and at home...i wanted to see her... my friend clancy told me she saw her at the market with some guy...i know immediately it was this cat james. my heart sunk...my mind was filled with thoughts of jealous rage...an emotion that is wholly foreign to me...all night images of them laughing and dancing and talking filled my head...i was restless...i couldn't sleep...i was up all night. then she called...it was 11am...she had just gotten in. immediately i assumed that her and james had hooked up...i was silent...cold...i could feel the break looming... so i ran...she wanted to see me...but i told her i was at work...even though i wasn't...i knew what she wanted to say before she even said it...she asked if i wanted to hang out with her later...after a pause...my numb mind spinning feebly...i said sure...but i didn't want to face the inevitable. so i decided to get out, to distract my thoughts with something else...work... afterwards, i went over to see my friend's jake and rob...then went and hung out with erica, kendie and clancy. i pounded beer after beer...filling my empty stomach...my empty heart...with liquid anesthetic. i wanted to be numb. eventually, i drove home. it was a little before midnight. i told G i would call and we would hang out...but i didn't. i just went home. then she called. it was over indeed. i just sat there quiet...unmoving...unfeeling...as she cryed and said she had to let me go...that she couldn't live with my nature...that she loved me but needed something else... she sweared that there was nothing between james and her...but she also said they were talking and she had a breakthrough...it hurt...and my anger rose like vomit at the back of my throat. i was angry at him. he always liked her...i hexed him...killed him over and over in my mind. he had gotten under her skin...just as he had planned...and usurped her from me... i hope he bleeds out of his ass for years to come. okay, okay...i don't...sort of... anyway, i'm still very angry. i really don't want to see her again...i guess that is a testimony to how much i really did feel for her. of all the girls i've been with...i shared the most of myself with her...and it was such a short amount of time... then...after numerous self-realization to have it thrown back at me is just too much. in the last post on my seadragon diary you can see the anger and resentment...this post is much more resigned... part of my dual-nature one side always warring with the other. she wants to be friends. she wants to hand out...but she needs time to detach. well...so do i. i let her in too deep...exposed too much of myself...so her detachment is painful. thus i find i need to detach as well...but instead of being friends again someday...my detachment will be complete. she will be no more than a stranger to me. such is the way with my heart. i cannot help it. i've made exceptions for some people...this is the exception to those exceptions. those people weren't as deep as her. i kept them at arms length. but for her i let it all down... no i have to seal myself back up again and try my best to avoid the feelings of bitterness. i suppose being alone will be good for me. i think that in my heart of hearts it's what i really desire. solitude. so thus begins a new chapter in my life. i no longer am interested in casual dating...or even casual sex. in fact, i have no interest in the opposite sex at all right now. what i am interested in, however, is resurrecting my life. building some sort of future for myself. for too long i have neglected the necessities of my life and now it is time to do some cleaning. so that i may have the condo by the sea...and the sailboat...and be happy in what i have created for myself. so here goes. the chronicles of a star-born dreamer... ~B-) 2:26 p.m. - 2002-07-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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