stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary

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...The First-Timers Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocolypse

Dedicated in most part to my dear ms. rumblelizard. Who, living alone, must be extra careful when the dead doth rise...and also just to celebrate the halloween season and the release of the Dawn of the Dead remake!!

THE FIRST-TIMER'S GUIDE TO SURVIVING THE ZOMBIE APOCOLYPSE

INTRODUCTION:

As we all well know, the world is full of danger! Natural disasters, terrorists, disease, alien attacks, and choking on chicken bones are just some of the various threats to human existence in this little world of ours; but no threat is as terrifying or more ghastly than the ZOMBIE APOCOLYPSE.
Everyone knows what to do in case of an earthquake or a hurricane or tornado. Even the most mundane of folks have at least a dim idea of what to do when the common cold runs rampant through their town. But not many people can say they know what to do when the ZOMBIE APOCOLYPSE comes and the dead walk the earth in search of human flesh!
I present to you several guidelines to help you out in case ZOMBIES attack. These aren't hard and fast rules by any means, but are here for your reference in case the walking dead come a bangin' at your door.
As we all know there are two types of zombie. There are the slow, shambling undead who sort of meander around until food manages to trip and fall within reach. Then there are the fast and agile undead, the "ju-ju" zombies, capable of leaping tall fences and running at break-neck speeds after their quarry. I will discuss several methods to avoid, combat, and destroy both types of zombie as well as preventative and defensive measures that one can take in the event of a ZOMBIE APOCOLYPSE. The following sections will give you a basic walk-through of what to do in case of a zombie attack, step-by-step.

PART I: KEEPING AN EYE OUT FOR SIGNS OF INFECTION.

It is of utmost importance that you be aware of breaking zombie news coverage in your area. The first step in surviving the ZOMBIE HALOCAUST is being informed. Pay attention to news radio and television broadcasts; keep an eye out for people who have a "dazed" and "far-away" look in their glassy, cloudy eyes. They could be zombies. Also, keep an eye out for rashes of "biting" incidents. This could be a sure clue that a ZOMBIE APOCOLYPSE is imminent.

Zombie infestation is not a slow process, be ready to wake up to a world that has been turned upside-down by the walking dead almost overnight. Don�t be surprised by your significant other's, or your neighbor's or your kid's sudden desire to eat your brains. they may look like good ol' Mr. Wilson from next door, but don't let your guard down for nostalgia's sake...he's a ZOMBIE and wants nothing more than to rip your bowels out and eat them, still steaming, right in front of your face.

This leads to the next important aspect of surviving the ZOMBIE APOCOLYPSE...hard-core apathy. You can't be Jesus, and you can't save everyone...even your friends and loved ones. You�ve got to be able to drop them at the first sign of infection; otherwise you're sealing your own doom. When someone you love is a zombie, they're no longer someone you love, they are the walking dead...an abomination to all that is natural and holy...and they must be destroyed without pity or remorse. It�s the only way you can survive. There�s no reasoning with the animalistic hunger of the undead so don't even try...you will lose.

Finally, like any and all other natural disasters, PREPAREDNESS is of key importance! Have a first-aid kit handy, as well as some sort of weapon. Guns are all fine and dandy, but you have the slight annoyance of having to reload them which can cost you time�and worse, your life! It is vital that you have a melee weapon to fall back on. A sword or machete, aluminum baseball bat, hockey stick, or any other heavy/blunt/edged object with a sizable reach to it is perfect. Hunting knives and other utensils are not recommended because you have to be way to close to use them, and the closer you put yourself to the gnashing teeth of a zombie, the closer you put yourself to death�or undeath. My recommendation for melee weapons includes a machete, a hammer, and a crowbar; which I will discuss later.
So now you�re informed, you know the APOCOLYPSE is coming, you�ve been keeping up-to-date on the news, and you have a certain amount of preparedness. Now what?

PART II: DAWN OF THE DEAD, NOW WHAT?

Let�s just say, for the sake of this guide, that you�re not prepared at all for the ZOMBIE APOCOLYPSE. You wake up in the morning, and lo! You�re wife is a flesh eating undead monster and the world outside is quickly degrading into total chaos and mayhem.

The first thing you should do is GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. But before you do, be sure to put your wife to rest and free her from the eternal torment of undeath. As we all well know, the only sure way to kill a zombie is to remove its head or otherwise severe or destroy the brain in some manner. It is important as well to remember that the bite of a zombie is FATAL, and is untreatable by any means save for a gun to the head. Those being said, get away from your undead companion as quickly as possible. Find the nearest heavy/blunt object to use in your defense and brain the beast quickly and efficiently. If no object is available, run and find a way to LOCK the fiend away to give you time to scavenge the rest of your house/apartment for items and equipment. Be cautious, the higher the population of people around your home, the more likely you are to be assaulted and attacked at every turn. Move quickly!

In collecting the necessary items for survival it is important to follow these three rules of thumb:

1) � The best offense is a good defense.
2) � Pack light, burdensome equipment can cost you your life.
3) � Guns are good, but you DON�T HAVE TO RELOAD A SWORD.

Don�t just dress up in your casual every-day clothes. The APOCOLYPSE is nigh, and you ain�t goin� out on the town for the night. Wear clothing that PROTECTS. Thick jackets made of leather or nylon are probably the best protection you can afford at this point. Anything that will keep the zombies from biting into your skin is a great idea. Scarves, hooded sweat-jackets, thick gloves, and size 12 steel-toe Kodiak work boots will cover some of the softer target areas that zombies like to go for when they attack. If you can, put on a pair of good jeans OVER a pair of long underwear. If you have rollerblading pads, or any other protective gear for outdoor sports like a bike helmet, shin-guards, or elbow/wrist pads then go ahead and grab those too. The harder it is to penetrate with teeth the better. Also be sure to grab a first aid kit and a flash light if you can. You�re no good wounded, and when you�re running about in a city infested with the undead, your chances of getting cuts, bruises, scrapes and such are much higher. A flashlight can come in handy in dark places, and you don�t know when or if the power grid will go out. If at all possible grab some spare batteries, but not before you secure yourself a backpack and weapon.
Don�t overload yourself with junk. Grab a few cans of beans from the pantry, a can/bottle opener, some power-bars and a few bottles of water. For now it�s all you�ll really need. Priority numero uno is getting out of the house and away from your now undead wife, remember? Not only that, but by now your undead neighbors are probably making their way to your house as you read this. Keep your wits about you! The less you carry the better, you�ll move faster that way; and since you�ve probably padded yourself up with extra clothes for protection, it�s probably not a good idea to go running around with a hundred pounds of stuff on your back. Forget a change of clothes for now, forget pictures of your mommy and daddy, and forget that collectable bauble you�ve had since you were 8. The best way to carry your stuff is a medium to large-sized backpack. If you don�t have one then a duffle is good too. If you don�t have that then forget it and move on to finding weapons.
If you have a gun handy, go ahead and grab it as well as any and all round of ammo you may have stocked with it. Forget the carrying case, stuff the ammo in your backpack and slide the gun in one of the pockets of your coat (for God�s sake don�t cram it in the front of your trousers). But don�t just stop there! A gun�s a good offense, but it isn�t THE BEST in the event of a ZOMBIE APOCOLYPSE. Be sure to bring some sort of close-combat melee weapon. If you�ve got an aluminum bat, grab that, if wood is all you got well, it won�t hurt, but don�t expect it to last you too long. As I mentioned before, the preferred and recommended melee items are a machete (or sword), a crowbar, and a hammer. A machete will take the head off a zombie in a few good whacks at the most. It can also come in handy at takin� their arm off when they got a good grip on ya. The usefulness of a crowbar is two-fold. Evidently, it can crush in the skull of a zombie pretty effectively; but not only that, it can allow you access to places you wouldn�t normally go. It may be heavy, but if you pack light, it can be a life-saver. A hammer is also good for similar reasons, though definitely shouldn�t be the first resort in a fight with the living dead due to its limited size. If you�ve got a tool belt grab that for good measure. Otherwise, it�s time to get the hell outta� dodge!

PART III: ESCAPING TO SAFETY.

The idea of �getting away� is silly in the event of a ZOMBIE APOCOLYPSE. There is really no escape. The zombie infection is spreading quickly, and it�s best just to assume that the whole world is infected from Timbuktu to Portland, OR. So what next?
Forget cars. Your car is useless now, and most likely is nothing more than a moving death trap. The only time you should use a vehicle is if it is BIG and ARMORED�like a tractor or 18 wheeler or even a bus; but the chances are you have NO IDEA of how to drive any of those so you�re just going to have to hoof it. If you have a bicycle this is good, and may allow you to travel a bit quicker than a �ju-ju� zombie so go ahead and jump on that if you want. Overall, it is important to know that by now the roadways, highways, freeways and interstates are jam-packed with retards trying to drive away. Assume immediately that they�re all going to die. If you can let go of the idea of getting away, then you�re one step closer to surviving the APOCOLYPSE.
If you�re traveling by foot, move quickly. Don�t run, just keep a quick pace and rest in hidden areas when you can. Be conservative with your water and food, you won�t know when you�ll be able to get more, so for now just take a sip every so often. If you feel yourself getting dizzy, hide away and rest for a few minutes in the shade. By this time you�re probably asking yourself, �Where the hell do I go?� The answer is, somewhere fortified OR at the least, fortifiable. The higher the ground you�re on the better as well, for it�s been proven throughout history that the high ground gives the greatest tactical advantage. So wherever you do decide to go make sure it has these following attributes:

1) � Strong, well-built doors and locks.
2) � a roof
3) � is close to some kind of convenience like a food mart or drug store
4) � is at a higher elevation than the surrounding area
5) � has very few windows and/or glass openings at lower levels
6) � is as far removed from the general population center as possible

With these things in mind you should be able to find yourself an ample �safe house� to hole up and whether out the APOCOLYPSE in. My recommended locations include two or three story office buildings, mansions on hills (they probably have panic rooms), police installations or government offices, high-rises, power or water plants, and banks. Places to avoid are shopping centers, houses, apartment complexes, malls, Starbucks coffee houses, airports, warehouses, and remote farmhouses. Once you find your location your next task is to set to fortifying it and preparing for the onslaught of undead that will more than likely come to your door.

PART V: FORTIFICATION AGAINST THE HORDES OF UNDEAD.

Now that you�ve got your location it�s time to set up shop and wait out the possibly VERY long undead winter. When fortifying it�s important to follow these basic rules...

First, �clean� the area by searching for any lingering undead. The last thing you want is to be surprised by some straggling zombie when you�ve finally locked yourself up. If you find that there is a large number of undead wandering about your location, you might want to spare your ammo and energy and move on to another place. Second, board up or cover all first level windows and doors with pieces of wood or heavy furniture. This will prevent the little bastards from banging or smashing their way in to get you. Third, set up shop on the highest floor of the building. Set booby-traps along the way just in case. Place a heavy object on the stairs so that when retreating you can push it down on �em. Send the elevator to the first floor and cut the cable if you can. Set more heavy objects by any doors you plan to make a hasty retreat through so that you can bar them after you pass. If you use all the furniture in the place don�t worry, sleeping on the floor might be a bit uncomfortable, but you�ll sleep much better with security. Fourth, set up a �common room� and a �sleeping quarters�. Make sure these two areas can be sealed completely from the rest of the building. Be sure that there is a bathroom nearby, no use having to go into the heart of the undead hordes just to take a piss; but if push comes to shove, throw all human waste out a window. Keep all food items, water, and equipment in the �sleeping quarters�. This room is your final retreat, so make it count. If you�re gonna� lock yourself up in it, you best have all your reserves on hand. It is also a good idea to have a single escape route from the sleeping quarters to the roof or other path of egress that cannot be reached from the ground. Fifth, do a second sweep for any items that could come in handy � first aid kits, snack and soda machines, fire axes, paper or matches, more batteries, etc. Once that�s done, it�s time to sit tight. Bar up and lock the doors, hide out in the sleeping quarters, light up a smoke, relax, breathe deep and try to get a small amount of shut eye because the APOCOLYPSE is far from over.

PART VI: DEALING WITH STRAGGLERS.

Now that you�re all walled up in your new-found fortress you�re gonna� have to find ways to pass the time. You�re also going to have to deal with stragglers, survivors who are seeking aid and or shelter.
The most important thing to keep in mind when dealing with and taking in survivors is the bite factor. DO NOT LET ANYONE IN WHO HAS BEEN BITTEN. When you spot a person or persons approaching your fortress of solitude, shout clearly to them and wait for a response. Move quickly to get them inside before they attract more undead. If they�re running from a horde of undead, as callous as it sounds, you may want to wait it out before jumping in and saving them. The LAST thing you want to do is accidentally let your guard down for a few ragged survivors who may or may not already be infected. If you do manage to get them inside safely check the wounded immediately! If they have signs of bite marks or infection, put a bullet in their head at once and toss them off the roof. For those that look normal and unhurt, just to be safe, make them strip down to their skivvies and check for bites or wounds. If they lied to you and said they weren�t bit but show signs of infection shoot them in the head and throw them off the roof too. You don�t need lairs in your ranks � solidarity, communication and honesty make for a good survival unit and there won�t be any �surprises� later down the road. When dealing with stragglers it is important to take the initiative and be cool. They should be thankful that you let them in to your fortress and are offering them your protection. Don�t let any half-cocked cowboys (or girls) step on your dick, this is survival time, reward any disrespect with a sharp blow to the head. Remind everyone that you got to work together. Oftentimes during a ZOMBIE APOCOLYPSE human psychology gets all whacky. People have a hard time letting go of the life they used to live and insist on clinging to all the stupid bullshit that they knew in their former life. Things like race, sex, religion will be thrown around and will most likely start fights. Again, give �em a good smack or just toss them off the roof. Dissent and conflict isn�t going to keep anyone alive for long and from now on you all must work as a team.
The best way to get people to stop bitching, moaning and fighting is to give them something to do. Set up guard rotations and sleeping orders. Tell stories to one another and make up games. Part of surviving the APOCOLYPSE is also surviving the possible �cabin fever� that can set in when cooped up with a bunch of strangers and jack-asses. Keep things lively, establish good communication, don�t be an asshole. People will surely look to you for leadership. Set up ground rules; make sure everyone is on the same page. If you keep your cool then things will go a lot smoothly, and everyone will get along as best they can.
The last thing you have to be ready for is people wanting to run away or go somewhere else. They�ll talk about other safe houses, army bases, and how �California is really nice this time of year.� Forget that bullshit. But if they want to take off and go, then by all means let them. Feel free to supply them with a few items for their trip. Once their packed and ready, give them a good kick off the roof and wish them well. You�ve already come to terms with the fact that the whole world is now overrun with zombies, no place is truly safe, and you might as well just sit tight in your new home until it ends, you die of starvation, or shoot yourself in the head. Just don�t let ANYONE threaten your security, otherwise you�re fucked, and if you live you�ll have to start all over again.

PART VII: WAITING IT OUT.

Now comes the hardest part, waiting out the ZOMBIE APOCOLYPSE. Who knows how long it�s going to last? Is the government taking action? What about around the world? These are probably questions you won�t know the answer to for a while. At this point it�s just down to pure survival � food, water, shelter, and of course fighting off zombies who try to invade your domain. If you�ve managed to bring onboard some other survivors you�re chances of making it through all of it is pretty good, and moreover, if you�ve followed this guide you�ve probably got yourself into a nice and fairly secure position. That�s not saying that it won�t all suddenly go horribly awry. Part of waiting it out is being able to adapt to your situation and keeping yourself frosty at all times. You can�t let your guard slip for even a second or it could cost you. If you need to run for supplies, be sure you use the buddy system, never go out or allow anyone to go out alone. It�s sure suicide. There�s safety in numbers. As the time wears on you may find that it gets a bit easier�or, depending, a lot harder. But in either case, you�ve got to stay on point; and last but not least�leave at least one bullet for yourself.

Happy Halloween everyone!!

~B-)

4:15 p.m. - 2004-10-26

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