stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A warm, quiet place so now i've locked my diary. i'm tired of putting myself out there, trying to be honest about myself and my emotions, and not being afforded the same in return. so this is MY place now, my quiet lil nook in which i can collect my thoughts, ponder things in private, and generally exorcise any demons that i may have...be they worries, fears, doubts or just mundane everyday whimsy. if you're reading this now, then i've given you a password and username. to you i say welcome! once, long ago, this place was a mental sketchbook of sorts. a place where i could bounce stuff around before speaking aloud. it allowed people, primarily my wife, a glimpse into my head in a neutral and non-threatening sort of way. to see maybe my thought processes and emotions as i worked them out on paper. it was a way to open the door up to a greater dialogue that wouldn't be polluted by rampant emotions or anger, but rather a more diplomatic space. she had a diary as well, jellehbelleh that i think...or at least i thought...served the same purpose. BUT, she also created a second diary darkjelleh that has always been locked to me. so i've always felt that i've only been given one half of the whole story with her. i always hoped and trusted that what she wrote there was eventually said to me; but i realize that may not be the case. so in the end i feel like i'm speaking to just half a person...the person she wants me to see and know about, and not the whole person. today i was sad to see that she's stopped writing in her formal, unlocked diary; and i feel that this is just another step in her departure from me. because her last entry in her formal diary is a goodbye entry, and simultaneously there is an entry in her other diary. since it's locked, i don't really know if she's said the same thing in it and is stopping using d-land altogether, or if she will continue to hide in it. it's not that she has a locked diary that bothers me...everyone is entitled to their private thoughts...it's just that i hope that whatever is said in there is said to me in one way or the other. i've always tried to be open with her, and share myself despite my fear or reservations. i'm not perfect at it, i'm not used to that level of honesty in a relationship; but i've always been proud of the fact that overall we're good communicators at least with each other. lately tho i feel that it's all going the wrong way, and that we're taking steps backward. i fear that eventually we won't even talk to each other anymore...about the things that matter the most to us. i feel like there's been a total disconnection from ourselves, each other, and the love that binds us together. there's a lot of history here. and if you're new here, or have been a reader for a while, then there's a lot of ground to cover as to how it all got this way...at least from my perspective. there are a lot of events, spanning over the last couple of years, that have dominoed over time to create this situation that we're in now. i've been going back thru time over and over in my head and i have a lot of regrets. they hang heavy on me most of the days. so i don't know where life is taking me anymore. i guess if i keep writing in this it'll be just for me, and if you're reading it means that for whatever reason i allowed you here as an objective outsider. but i'm fairly certain that no one will see this except for me as there aren't many, if any, on this site that i feel are worthy of sharing my thoughts. only one, and that's my wife; but i doubt even she is capable of it anymore. there is so much to reflect on and so much to think about, and i want to get started on it right away; but i'll save it maybe for another entry and another time. i'm all wrote out and my heart is heavy and worn. maybe one day i'll open the doors again, but right now i need private, quiet and peaceful introspection and a place just for me. in the end i can't say if this is an end...or a beginning. is this the last entry in a relatively long span of entries? or is this finally it? i don't know. no matter what, i simply hope that it will all lead me somewhere... ~B-) 10:15 a.m. - 2007-03-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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