stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary

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The 11 Most Common Shitty Relationships That People Make...and an Extra One That is Much More Rare

today i thought i'd write a little about different types of relationships. reading through the multitude of diaries here in the land i often find that many of us all go through the same thing in terms of love, life and such. i also find that there are certain "constants" of behavior among us as humans. i find it partially amusing, but also partially sad and tragic. i decided to write about relationships because it seems to be the buzz as of late. people are finding them, falling in love, falling out of love, fighting, blah, blah, blah. so, below, i will chronicle the eleven most common types of relationship archtypes that i have observed in my travels on this lil planet. so here we go...

The �Fixer-Upper� Relationship

The most common thought process of the �Fixer-Upper� relationship is:

I can make this person a better person. With a little time and effort, I can shape and mold them into the �perfect partner�.

Many of us fall into this predicament in our early dating/relationship years. Naivety is the major cause of this particular thought process. The idea that you can change someone if you work hard enough is a hole that many of us have and/or will fall into at one point in our lives or another. The problem with this type of relationship is that it is impossible to change people. You just can�t do it. People will only change of their own free volition, and in my experience, even that is improbable. As in any relationship, this dynamic is a two-way street. The person doing the fixing oftentimes becomes a terrifying nag in the eyes of the person who is to be fixed. Eventually the demands and forced alterations become unbearable, uncomfortable, and downright impossible for the person to maintain and everything falls apart. Of all the relationship models, this is the one that women are oftentimes most guilty of - the good girl/bad guy combination, but that�s not to say that there isn�t the nice guy/bad girl as well. In my own adventures I have found that the majority is the former and not the latter.

The �Self-Improvement� Relationship

This relationship is in many ways the opposite of the �Fixer-Upper� relationship. Those who find themselves in this sort of partnership fall prey to this line of thinking:

If I make myself perfect in every way then this person will love me. It is only a matter of time before they realize that I�M the one they�re looking for.

The �Self-Improvement� relationship is oftentimes the result of one person being too emotionally needy and the other person being completely emotionally unavailable. The former strives to gain the attentions of the latter by molding themselves into the ultimate ideal � the perfect partner. They believe that by doing so they will eventually win the prize of their affections. As with the �Fixer-Upper�, the truth is that no matter how much YOU change, you still aren�t going to change anyone. They WON�T realize how great you are and suddenly turn around one day and proclaim their love for you. They WILL use you for everything you�re worth. Because the person is so intent on proving their love and winning the love of the object of their desire, they oftentimes will make heavy personal sacrifices, and even worse, allow all sorts of transgressions they normally wouldn�t in the sad and empty hopes of the other person �seeing the light�. Both the �Fixer-Upper� and the �Self-Improvement� relationship types can lead to the �Co-Dependant� relationship. So be very careful!! Men are oftentimes the victim of this way of thinking. I myself have fallen prey to this thought process in the past and have several male friends who are currently fighting this very process as we speak.

The �Comfort Zone� Relationship

Aaaaah, the Comfort Zone, of all the relationship archtypes this is probably THE MOST common that I have observed between people of all ages, races, genders, etc. Though I must admit that people in the age ranges of 25-45 are most likely to fall victim to the �Comfort Zone�. People who are in the �Comfort Zone� often think:

Even though this person isn�t completely fulfilling, and even though they don�t necessarily live up completely to what I need to be fulfilled; at least it is better than being alone.

Many who fall into the �Comfort Zone� believe that there isn�t much else out there for them. The �Comfort Zone� is a bitter and jaded place. The �Comfort Zone� is usually the last and final resting place of those who have been through the other relationship types. They no longer believe in �the one� and have forsaken any hope of ever finding such a thing. Instead, they opt to take the next best thing � comfort, security, and relative low maintenance. Sometimes people fall into the �Comfort Zone� because they are too cowardly to break up with someone and don�t want to be �the bad guy� or the �bearer of bad news�. So they just sort of stay there, in a gray and empty limbo - unhappy and unfulfilled, but comfortable and non-threatening. Sadly, those who live and stay in the �Comfort Zone� are prone to fits of infedility, anger, and depression. They will also do things to sabotage the relationships in hopes of finding an �easy out�. Especially if they are the type who don�t want to hurt the others feelings with a break up. This eventually becomes so intense that they begin to find ANY reason to break up. �You left your shoes in the living room again!! That�s it, I just can�t live this way anymore!! It�s over!!� The �Comfort Zone� , the �Last Resort� and the �Material� relationships can often end up being the same thing, or shifting between one and another. Those who are caught in the �Comfort Zone� are both equally guilty most of the time. Though there are cases where one poor bastard thinks that the other is �the one� and the other thinks the poor bastard is�well�simply that, a poor bastard.

The �Last Resort� Relationship

The �Last Resort� resembles in many ways the �Comfort Zone�. Those who are part of the �Last Resort� often think:

I�m tired of dating, tired of meeting stupid people, just plain tired. All the people who I thought were �the one� were nothing more than a bunch of pricks or cunts. I wonder what my ex is up to?...

The �Last Resort� is usually a return to an old flame of some type or another � old friend, acquaintance, ex, etc. Many who fall into this relationship archtype are usually guilty of the infamous �I need room to see the world� break-up speech; and after unsuccessfully �seeing the world� they come crawling back to the person they originally broke up with. In other instances, the relationship sort of crumbled on its own accord and there was an amiable separation between both parties. After a few years, they somehow manage to find themselves together again. Reliving the good times�and bad�again. Oftentimes the �Last Resort� becomes the �Make-Up/Break-Up� relationship. It also can shift into the �Comfort Zone� or even the �Purely Sexual� relationship.

The �Revenge� Relationship

The �Revenge� relationship, as its name implies, is completely based off of one thing and one thing alone. Revenge. Those who are involved in this type of relationship are executing their own shitty karma on some poor ridiculous sap. They often think:

My ex was such a cocksucker! He stepped all over me, broke my heart, and turned my life upside down. I�ll show them!

Now, there are two sub-classes of �Revenge�. The first and probably the most common, is driven by the �hurt you before you hurt me� kind of thinking. Those who practice this have usually been burned so badly in the past that their natural defenses are far more effective and diabolical than they even probably know. They exact payment and compensation for past relationships through an unwary and unwitting victim. Usually they lure them into an emotionally vulnerable state, then drop the axe on �em. Avoid these types of people at all costs, they are sociopaths � sadistic, cold, calculating, and pure evil. The second type of �Revenge� falls into the �I�ll show my ex just how much better I am now that I�m without them� category. Those who follow this pattern usually find the nearest sucker and begin a courtship. Oftentimes feigning love, attraction and adoration simply to make it seem like life is perfect and glorious to any outside observer�ESPECIALLY the ex. In fact, this type will constantly seek situations in which to parade in front of the ex or come in contact with the ex just so that they can prove how worse off the ex is without them and how much happier they are without the ex. The unwary half of this type of relationship is nothing more than a pawn in the game of the �avenger�. This hapless individual is truly doomed because as soon as the ex decides they need the �avenger� back, they�ll be dropped faster than a bag of shit and left lost and destitute. A �Revenge� relationship is usually an outgrowth of one of the other relationship archtypes, primarily the �Fixer-Upper� or the �Self-Improvement�; but also the �Purely Sexual� and especially the �Make-Up/Break-Up�. Women are notorious for being �avengers�, and I�ve come into contact with many in my journeys. That�s not to say that men aren�t capable of being �avengers�, far from it, it�s just they tend to be the minority.

The �Material� Relationship

The �Material� relationship can oftentimes be interchanged with the �Comfort Zone� or the �Purely Sexual� relationships. Those who follow this particular archtype tend to believe:

Since I can�t have what I want at least I can have money.

A �Material� relationship is founded entirely upon financial and monetary status. It is about fifty thousand times more jaded and bitter than the �Comfort Zone�. As many may agree, women are the most guilty of practicing the �Material� relationship. Though men who practice this usually find incredibly good-looking women to �show-off� to everyone. In this type of relationship there is no love or passion. A �Material� relationship can become a �Make-Up/Break-Up� relationship or a �There/Not-There� relationship. It can also transform its participants into �avengers� in the case of a costly and prolonged divorce.

The �Purely Sexual� Relationship

This relationship pretty much lives up to its name-sake. It�s purely sexual with no other substance save for good fucking. Though there are many, both men and women, who still try to build a solid relationship from a �Purely Sexual� relationship�much to their folly. The typical thought process for those in a �Purely Sexual� relationship is:

He/she is a total asshole, but at least the sex is utterly mind-blowing.

As we all well know, a �Purely Sexual� relationship never works out. Eventually all parties involved in a �Purely Sexual� relationship become bored and unfulfilled and it all goes to shit. As mentioned before a �Purely Sexual� relationship can make people seek out a �Revenge� relationship or even a �Comfort Zone� or �Last Resort�.

The �Make-Up/Break-Up� Relationship

The �Make-Up/Break-Up� type of relationship is based entirely off of the kick that some people get out of argument and confrontation. For whatever reason, certain people LOVE drama, and can�t seem to live without it. Thus, they constantly jump on any opportunity to start a fight and break up. Once done, they begin to miss the other person and seek a way to make up. This usually involves mind-blowing make up sex and they are happy for a while, until another issue comes up and it begins all over again. Being around these types of relationships is incredibly exhausting, even to an outside observer. Those in this type of relationship commonly think:

That fucker! They left the fucking toilet paper roll off the dispenser! That�s fucking it! I�ve fucking had it with this fucking bullshit! It�s fucking over!

*sigh*I sure do miss them. I�m going to call them and see how they�re doing�

The �Make-Up/Break-Up� relationship can lead all parties involved to seek �Revenge� relationships between the break up and make up phase. Oftentimes, the �Revenge� is their sick little way of inspiring jealousy in their partner and thus, passion. Woe to the many who have had their asses kicked in bars or other public places because the girl or guy they were with was actually seeking �Revenge� against their �Make-Up/Break-Up� partner. A �Make-Up/Break-Up� can oftentimes become or grow from a �Purely Sexual�, �Material� or a �Last Resort� relationship.

The �There/Not-there� Relationship

The �There/Not-There� relationship is oftentimes a relationship of convenience and emotional detachment. The parties involved in this type of relationship usually keep a great amount of emotional and physical distance. In many respects, a �There/Not-There� relationship can be mutually beneficial especially if it comes from a �Material� or �Last Resort� type of relationship. Those in a �There/Not-There� relationship often think:

I miss you soooo much, I love you.
God, you annoy the hell out of me, I hate you, go away.

In some circumstances the �There/Not-There� relationship can be purely one-sided. These usually turn into �Self-Improvement�, �Material�, �Make-Up/Break-Up� or even �Purely Sexual� relationships.

in the end, we all fall prey or succumb at some point in our lives, at some point in time to one of the above relationships. some of us blindly wander from one to the other never seeing the pattern of our ways.

however, there is one type of relationship classification that i didn't list with the others above and that is...

The "Healthy" Relationship

the "Healthy" relationship in NO WAY means it is the perfect relationship. you will notice that i have not listed any relationship as "Perfect" because THERE IS NO PERFECT RELATIONSHIP. but there IS a "Healthy" relationship. amazingly enough, a "Healthy" relationship tends to have some aspects of all the archtypes listed above. it is a play of power and energy between two people. neither material, self-improving, fixing, purely sexual, last resort, comfortable, vengeful, there/not-there, or make-up/break-up but a ever-flowing mixture of all and none at once. the only real difference is that the two people involved use honest communication, patience, and forgiveness to keep the energy moving and flowing in positive, natural, and beneficial directions. those involved in a successful "Healthy" relationship let go of all past relationship issues and focus on the person at hand. they communicat their needs to each other and seek to fulfill those needs. in the end their unity makes them inseperable even if vast distances of time/space seperate them, they know that their love is but a thought away, always.

in my experience, the first step to finding and creating a "Healthy" relationship is to let go of the idea that there is "ONE" person for you. that mister or misses perfect is somewhere out in the world lurking and that destiny will one day bring you together. it's bullshit. bullshit romantic-comedy propaganda. in the end it is this mentality that leads to the various archtypes described above. people get it in their heads that mister/misses right is this and that, and this and that, and this and that. they force this rediculous ideal on every possible suitor that crosses their path without ever fully noticing or recognizing the amazing person who they've found. that's not to say that people shouldn't have standards, but they definitely should drop all expectations. you can't expect the person you're involved with to be anything other than themselves. you can't force someone to fit or change into whatever rediculous idea of blissful amorous perfection that you have. as soon as you realize this you are on your way to finding a "Healthy" relationship. it's a process though. that's the second revelation. like anything else in life you have to be open to it, and you have to be willing to let it grow and evolve naturally. you can't MAKE a rose blossom early, or a sapling grow to a mighty oak overnight. let go of your stupid ideas of this modern society of convenience. it's fucking you in the long run and moreover it's making you disgustingly neurotic. think think think think think think that's all people DO. they don't actually ACT on any of their thoughts, they just run around in stupid self-defeating circles all the time. some people find their way out of it. more power to them i say! it certainly isn't easy, but then again...

NOTHING TRULY REWARDING IN LIFE EVER COMES EASY.

in no way am i any expert, and i can say for a fact that it took me a long time to find my love...in fact...i found love within MYSELF first...and as a seemingly natural outgrowth of this inner love i found love in the world around me.

up until that point, i broke hearts, i had my heart broken. i was a "Fixer-Upper" and a "Self-Improver". i sought "Revenge" and i found "Comfort Zones". i walked the myriad of life and love seeking "the one". when i couldn't find it i gave up and came to "Last Resorts" and "Material" relationships. but always there was that emptiness...always...

until at last i realized that fulfillment rested solely upon my own shoulders and that by burdening others with my insecurities, misgivings, regrets and poor decisions i was merely chasing love away...doomed forever to never reach it...unless i found it within myself.

the only "one" in your life is yourself. as soon as you can find that everything else seems to fall into place.

as soon as i could admit to myself WHO i was...PROUDLY...HONESTLY...i became a magnet for others. a beacon in an otherwise emotionally destitute, spiritually bankrupt, and utterly banal world.

she was drawn to me. it was inevitable.

it wasn't destiny, it wasn't fate. it was inevitability...a chain of events cascading down to one single moment in time/space. perhaps in the end there is some external force at work, but nothing would have come of it had i not found "the one".

happy friday everyone! much love!
i'm reading you.

~B-)


4:09 p.m. - 2004-12-10

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