stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ...what the hell am i talking about?... hmmm... i'm often puzzled by stuff like this and this. i hear stuff like that all the time about marriage...the horror stories...the "ol' ball-n-chain" references...the slow, sad decay of sexual desire...the boredom...the complete renunciation of ones own identity... i don't get it. it puzzles me. i was once in a relationship that probably would have ended up that way. ali...the name carries venom when it rolls off my tongue. then one day i woke up. perhaps it was when i saw "American Beauty" for the first time? it sort of struck a cord...like i could see myself with ali, years down the road, in a similar situation as kevin spacey's character. it was later in our relationship that i came to terms with my bisexuality and, in fact, she was the first person i "came out" to in that regard. unfortunately it didn't set with her all to well... then there were those dark nights...in search of something to quell the hunger. but after a while...i just couldn't do it anymore. i couldn't lie...to her...but more importantly...to MYSELF. THIS was who i was. i WAS NOT what ali conceived me to be. it was the realization that i had been forced to become whatever wacky domestic ideal that ali had concocted in her head. i had adapted myself and actually BECOME her fantasy of a "normal" life. but at what cost? the answer was, at the cost of my own identity. at the time it was quite a dilemma. i mean, it was comfortable, it was stable, we had already built quite a life with each other. she lived with me, we went to family functions together...all signs pointed to marriage... but i just couldn't. i couldn't be something that i was not. i couldn't hide nor ignore who i really was. i couldn't live up to her expectations for the rest of my life whilst she lived up to nothing and did nothing in return. so after much internal deliberation it was over. she stayed a month in MY apartment before moving out. it was hell and i was rarely home... afterwards i sat and thought quite a bit. "now what?" i would ask myself. "i'm bi. i can say it. i like boys and i like girls. what does this mean? how does it change the way i live my life?" and thus i undertook a great adventure. one that brought me to where i am today. so now, when i say i'm married, it is without any sort of regret or rolling-of-eyes or embarrassment. the day before my wedding people asked... "aren't you nervous? this is your last day of being single!" ...these questions baffled me. i was in no way nervous, i was excited. single? if only they understood our relationship. but that's just it. i don't think anyone could understand it but us. it is what we have made of it as a team, knowing and understanding full well what the other was about. no expectations. no hidden agendas. no dishonesty. my life is an open book to my dearest love. she knows my heart and my mind. we finish each others' sentences! so i can't imagine living a life that many others live. the "common" and "accepted" idea of marriage is an alien concept to me. in many ways i don't think the standardized, religious institution of marriage is feasible in today's capitolist society. i mean, capitolism is based ENTIRELY off of things breaking and falling apart after a pace. it's founded completely on the idea of "newness" and "top-of-the-line". how does this in ANY way reflect the ideals upheld by traditional monogamy? hmm? how can a monogamous state be carried through in a world where long-term investments are considered boring and/or too much of a hassle? why BUY the car when you can LEASE it and trade it in for NEW ONE in 3 years? how do these two very different mentalities co-exist? ... THEY DON'T. divorce rates will pretty much tell you everything. 1 in 3 marriages baby. that's a hefty number. that means between myself, my sister and my friend...ONE of us is likely to get divorced. these are not pretty numbers overall. yet somehow we cling to the ideal. we totally buy in to the fantasy that you grow up, get married and live happily ever-after. *tsk, tsk* i won't in any way say that my relationship is THE only template. my parents have been happily married and devoted to each other for 35+ years. but in many ways i do believe that this is soon going to become a thing of the past. people just don't have the time or the energy or the patience for that stuff anymore. what?!? you mean relationships take time and energy and patience? woah! :-P the point is, in the end, i've found a way that works for me. moreover, JeLLy and i have found a way that works for US. i've looked very long and very hard for someone like that. i threw away everything i thought was "what love and marriage should be" and instead created "what love and marriage means to me". once i had done that i could meet people and compare notes. if it didn't fit... "thanks! you were really fun, but i'm just not the guy you need." in the dating years before, i was DEAD honest with the girls i dated. within the span of a first date i would be sure to state clearly and concisely... "i'm bisexual and i've been involved in alternative lifestyles." most of the time it didn't go so well from there; but can they blame me for being honest with them? some of the time i had some really great short-term relationships and i (as well as JeLLy) still call them good friends. so it's odd, and in some ways sad, to hear people who've managed to find themselves in the position that i was in once long ago. i was almost there. i guess that a lot of the time people want to do what's "right" or "normal" because they just want to fit in, even if it means that by doing what's "normal" or "right" makes them completely miserable, unhappy or unfulfilled. *shrugs* i really don't know anything though. i mean, marriage and relationships don't come with a fucking manual, right? we either emulate what our parents had, emulate what society says we should have, or go completely crazy and make something of our own. the latter usually defines us as "weird" or "abnormal". i'd much rather be that than miserable and "normal"; or unhappy and "right". but i also don't expect anything really. i think people confuse having "no expectations" with "expecting the worse" a lot of the time. it is a foreign concept i suppose. many have told me that if i expect nothing then i'll get nothing; but i think that's a crock of shit. expecting nothing when doing something still provides an outcome, it is just that you're not emotionally dependant upon the outcome. that one way or the other you will deal with whatever happens. this is different than expecting nothing and doing nothing. that is just simple foolishness. for this gives no result or outcome save for random serendipity and calamity. then you are truly at the whims of the cosmos. but expecting something and doing something is dangerous because it makes you emotionally dependant upon the outcome. whatever happens suddenly has a gigantic impact on your emotional well-being simply because you invest so much into it. for example: you hate your job. it pays fairly well but you know you could probably make more. you could find another job that pays you well, but at the cost of losing your tenure and security at your current job. if you expect nothing and do something... you would continue working at your current job and begin looking for new work. after all, no job is worse than a shitty job and in the end if nothing pans out then you at least have your current position to fall back on. so you send out resumes to various companies to see who bites. you really don't expect anything, in fact you don't expect any of the companies to write you back. but at least you put it out there, and at the most you could be looking at a better job in the near future. if you expect nothing and do nothing... you just wallow in your current demise. growing resentful of your life, you co-workers, your friends. you envy those who have more and use others' misfortune to elevate yourself and feel better. you steal things from the supply closet just to spite and constantly bitch about your job to anyone who will listen. the end result is that you move nowhere and more than likely, your boss will become sick of your attitude and fire you. if you expect something and do something... you fire off resumes to every company in the world. you have to get something. in fact, there's one company that is your "dream company" so you're keeping your fingers crossed in hopes they get back to you. there's no way you won't get this job. it's like, MEANT for you. but lo, no dice, they don't feel you fit the position. then you feel all inadequate. you get depressed and start wondering why god hates you. you begin to think you're worthless and that no one will hire you. might as well just stay with this shitty job because obviously no one wants you... anyway, i'm getting off track. this is sort of rambling entry. i've been interrupted by my stupid co-worker like five times already... "hey brian! hey!" "what?" "hehe, nuthin'. hehe." *** "yo brian." "what?" "what are you eating for dinner tonight?" "mmm...dunno, i haven't really thought that far ahead yet." *** sheesh. anyway, point is the more expectations you have of life the harder it SEEMS to be because nothing ever works out the way YOU EXPECT it too. well here's a lil bit of info for you kiddo... LIFE NEVER WORKS OUT THE WAY YOU EXPECT IT. so why should anything else be any different? people? events? jobs? these are all things that you have no control over, they're dependant upon way too many factors that are out of your control. so just stop already. fuck. i'm losing my train of though...stupid fucking work...constantly distracting me from WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT! ;-) anyway, i think that i might of had a point somewhere along the way here, but managed to lose it with too many distractions and dumb/annoying co-workers. anyway, life is great, work's keepin' me busy as usual but i'm not complaining at all. i love my job. weekend was great. saw an old friend of mine. got an hour-long message. got drunk friday night and had sloppy drunken sex. watched "team america" and "shaun of the dead" sunday...go see them both they rock. had some tender and incredibly satisfying sex sunday as well and relaxed overall. i love my wife, my life is enjoyable, my dad is doing great, my sister just got married, and all seems well in the world. do i expect it to remain that way? no. do i expect it to get shitty? no. do i expect anything? no. save that I will keep on as best i can no matter, AND that change will happen one way or the other. it's all you really can expect overall. otherwise it's a huge waste of time and energy. next up...sex, sex, sex, sex, kinky anal play, cock-sucking, nipple-torture, bondage, really well hung studs, and titties of the gods... my heart is full! ~B-) 2:35 p.m. - 2004-10-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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