stardustcboy's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ...The Dog and His Bone (paraphrased)... *sigh* back to earth. you ever remember reading any of aesop's fables? there's one that's beens spinning around in my head a lot as of late... THE DOG AND HIS BONE (paraphrased by your dear narrator) a dog was on his way home after finding a particularly juicy bone. he jauntily made his way with the mouth-watering morsel held in his jaws. he couldn't wait to sit beneath the shade of his dog-house and enjoy it. on his way he crossed a small bridge that spanned a little creak. when he looked down into the water he saw his reflection and the tasty bone it held in it's own mouth. seeing this, he thought to scare the other dog into releasing its bone so that he may go home with two juicy bones instead of one. he barked loudly, and in doing so, dropped the bone in his mouth into the water below. with the bone forever lost in the currents he made his way sadly home. i feel like that dog. especially when it comes to relationships. wait, now that i think of it, i feel like that dog all the time. how do you get around this? anyone? anyone? bueller? i find i'm always barking at mirages and losing what i have. i suppose it comes down to recognizing when something isn't real and when something is. this is hard for me for some reason. maybe i'm just an idiot? i think it's in part due to the fact that i have these ideals inside my head that i constantly strive towards; but these ideals are simply that...ideals...never to be reproduced in reality because reality is about hard facts and comprimise. or is it? where and when do you draw the line? how do you know? this is something i'm wrestling with. let's give an example... all my life i've searched for a particular type of woman. in my minds eye i can see her, envision how she would be and what she would look like. yet to this day i have yet to find someone akin to what i look for. i always liked blonds and redheads. the women in my family are all blonds and redheads. they are the template of feminine beauty and strength to my subconscious/child mind. but the majority of the time my relationships with these types of women fail. some would say it is because i haven't found "the one" yet. but is there such a thing? i've asked this question a billion times. is there one person in the world for me? someone please help! the past few years i've taken quite a detour from this blond/redhead infatuation. dating primarily girls with darker hair and features...save for one... Lauren...or Miss L as i have called her. she was cool and beautiful, but not quite aggressive enough for my tastes. therein lies the problem that most of the time girls i find physically attractive rarely spark my interest emotionally/intellectually and vice versa. i'll say it again that i'm an equal-opportunity employer and that i simply adore women. i've been with a broad spectrum of female templates...blond, redhead, brunette, jewish, white, black, hispanic, fat, thin, medium, sinner and saint...and you know what? i loved them all, each in their own unique little way. but what about "true love". what about the end all be all of love? does it happen? does it have anything to do with what you see inside your head or what you believe would fulfill you until the end of time? right now i've been dating G exclusively for nearly two years. quite a step for me really. i've been a wild stallion ever since dropping alison, never to be caught or tamed, or so i had swore. yet, i find myself faithful to G. i've let all the others go in favor of her. though i can't quite discern whether or not she is the end all be all as i would see it. she's awesome overall in that we have tons in common and always seem to be on the level emotionally/intellectually; but yet i can't help but feel that there is something.... i don't know. again i'm faced with the dicotomy of my ideal and what i have in reality. i'm the dog looking into the river. or am i? i know for certain that if she, "the one", walked through the door of the internet cafe right now i would know; and i'd have no qualms walking out on G. but would i really? how would i know? would i just know? is it like one of those strange and existential "i've known this person somewhere before" type of feelings? does that even happen in real life? i think that it's just a "movie thing". i think i've just lost all faith in my own heart and my own understanding of love. i think i just have no clue. the all-encompassing questions here are..."when do you draw the line? when is enough enough? when do you comprimise between what you dream and what is? do you comprimise? is it a comprimise?" aagh! i'm running around in circles. sometimes i look at G and think "this person is the awesomest ever." and sometimes i sit and wish for "the one" to come and show me the magic once again. sometimes i feel like i'm just not ready...spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically or otherwise. this year marks a great downward spiral of my overall outlook on life and as of late i've been riddled with doubt in everything i do. i suppose i need to find myself again or something. i think the most important thing right now is securing a job and learning to budget better. pay back the debts i owe and bring myself into good standing on the credit side of things. then maybe i'll be able to focus on other stuff like relationships and love and romantic ideals and such. i mean, what girl wants to hang with a 27 year old guy with no job, no car, a crumbling and neglected apartment, only a marginally attractive physique, and somewhat questionable ethics? besides G...who still somehow sees me as a marvel of human nature. this is what gets me. despite my feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, despite my vagueness and restlessness, despite my massive mood swings and poor decision making she's still here. she still sees me as something worthwhile and marvelous... from what i know, this is what matters most, right? *sigh* i don't know. i'm all back-asswards right now. need to straigthen out my head i think, but this little diary helps. i exist on several different levels all at once. on one hand i'm here, on the other my mind is at some higher frequency of thought; and always i'm in conflict within myself... conventional-unconventionalist optimistic-pessimist realistic-idealist foolish-wiseman saintful-sinner so here it goes one last time. i make my prayer...my call...out into the cosmos to bring to me my angel, my muse, my "one-and-only". she who will show me love undying, reveal to me the wonder, reduce me to a child, challenge all logic, and defeat me on the battleground of my heart and leave me yearning for her until the end of time. perhaps she is already here... ...and i am merely staring at my own reflection. ~B-)
2:37 p.m. - 2003-03-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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